Thursday, October 28, 2010

Stupid Movie Review: Hellraiser 3

Director: Some Guy who probably never directed anything again.

Stars: The legend Doug Bradley as Pinhead. Who Better?

Plot: You know the deal with the Hellraiser movies. Some asshole finds the puzzle box (which is given an actual name in the 4th movie but honestly "the puzzle box" was fine) which frees Pinhead and his Cenobite  demon buddies fuck up whoever opened it in the grisliest way possible. Except this movie has very little to do with that concept. I mean it kinda does...Let me explain. Some ambulance chasing news reporter lady is at a hospital when some kid comes in on a stretcher with chains and hooks coming out of his head. Anyone who has seen the other Hellraiser movies knows that hooked chains are the Cenobite weapon of choice. Ok. After the kid turns into a bloody mess in the ER, the lady reporter now wants to find out what the fuck is going on. She first calls the whore that brought the kid into the hospital. This little trollup would be kinda hot if this weren't the early 90's and clothing wasn't so fucking weird. Anyway. We also see some dude buying this big statue with Pinhead's face on it. He likes shit that looks weird. It also turns out that he owns this goth club in town where the whore and the dead kid were hanging out before his trip to the ER. So ya know it's all connected. So one night at the club, our weirdo owner decides hes gonna hit the sack with this incredibly stupid blonde he picks up at the bar. After their nookie sesh, Pinhead suddenly wakes up from inside the statue where we literally skins and eats our bimbo chick alive. Awesome. He then tells the dbag club owner to fetch him more bodies. Meanwhile, reporter lady takes our hospital whore in to live with her while she digs for information. Her investigation leads to the retelling of the events in the first two movies, and an encounter with Pinhead's human alter ego in her dreams. Pinhead's human form tells her that everything she found out is totally true and she should watch out for Pinhead because he's about to come back. By the time she gets back to her house, hospital whore is gone. But not before giving the lady reporter the puzzle box. Ok whatever. Our hospital whore it turns out was a former conquest of our club owner. He pretty much lures the stupid slut to come to his apartment where he, and Pinhead's statue hang out. Death and mayhem ensue, and Pinhead is now freed from his concrete house. The rest is awesome.

Gore: It's a Hellraiser movie right? All sorts of creative and disgusting deaths occur almost every 10 minutes. Chain hook death, decapitations, head impalements, people being skinned alive, and a really cool face melt

Boots knocking?: It's a Hellraiser movie right?

Best line: Every word that comes out of Pinhead's mouth. Literally every single word. However, if I were to choose I would have to say: "Now come over here and die while you still have the option of doing it quickly!" Classic.

Favorite kill: The entire club massacre scene. For about 5 minutes of running time Pinhead kills every single person there using anything and everything. People's faces get torn off, CD's turn deadly, and one guy turns into a piece of roast beef.

Stupidity: The other "Cenobites" that Pinhead creates. They don't even come close to the glory and unfuckwithability of the original Cenobite gang from the first two movies. (See: Hellraiser and Hellraiser 2)

More stupidity: The entire "Daddy" dream sequence/subplot. Unnecessary.

Why the fuck: are they remaking the original Hellraiser? COME ON!

Why the fuck honorable mention: Why do all the sequels after this one suck out loud?

Other favorite scene: When Pinhead walks into the church like the gangster he is and just completely fucks with it, and the priest who works there. Everything he does in the church just kicks ass. I need to say no more.

I miss: Prosthetic makeup effects. Watch the face "merger" and you'll know exactly what the hell I'm talking about.

Conclusion: This is not the best Hellraiser movie. This isn't even the best sequel. What this is is a mid-90's cash in of a successful horror franchise designed to squeeze a few bucks out of the name. This is the type of pre-Scream 90's horror we would get back in Clinton's first term, and like most movies of the time it has its ups and downs. But goddammit I enjoy this movie. Doug Bradley makes the worst piece of shit movie totally awesome just by speaking in the Pinhead voice. I mean through 8 or 9 sequels he keeps the boat floating despite the fact that after this they get steadily worse. I mean I won't even talk about this series past the 4th movie, and frankly the 4th movie is kind of a piece of shit. Every line uttered by Pinhead is pure gold. Kind of like what Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing (previously mentioned on this fine ass blog) used to do for Hammer and their monster movies. The worst script on Earth made better by a great actor that will never, ever, be recognized for his work outside horror geek circles. That's fine I guess. The fact that we see a shit ton of Pinhead through this whole movie bumps the grade up like 10 points. Yes the plot is bologna, the other actors shitty, but I still like it. Fuck you.

Grade: 84%

It is unwise to fuck with this man.

Unless you wanna be this guy...

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Stupid Movie Review: The Sentinel

Director: Some guy. I could look it up but the dvd rack is so far from my couch...

Stars: Burgess Meredith (Mick from "Rocky", The Penguin, The old old dad from Grumpy Old Men), Chris Sarandon (Prince Humperdink), the mom from the "Vacation" movies (in a weird lesbian scene no less), among others.

Plot: This model chick from NYC decides that she wants to have her own place before she decides to marry Prince Humperdink. So she starts lookin around at places when she suddenly finds this old brownstone with the best view ever. The realtor lady tells her that the place is real quiet and she'll love it. Never mind the weird old guy who lives upstairs and just stares out the window 24/7. Forget also that he happens to be a blind priest. Never trust the clergy, especially when they can't see what they're doing. Moving on. So she moves in, and immediately starts to meet the other tenants, beginning with Burgess Meredith and his pets. The Penguin is super nice to her and tells her all about the place and some of its history, blah blah. She then meets the two chicks who live together downstairs. All they wear are leotards. What the fuck. One is a seriously busted hag of a woman and the other is the mom from the "Vacation" movies. They like to do each other. The hag even says so. We also see a weird and completely unnecessary "Girl Time" scene where Mrs. Clark Griswold goes solo while our model protagonist watches. What the fuck. Then the girl meets the rest of the tenants, and shit just gets weirder from there. She's haunted by this vision of her abusive father with a bunch of whores. I think she may have killed him in real life, I'm drawing a blank. Anyway, our lady starts having these weird dreams at night, and her apartment is rapidly showing signs that it's haunted. Awesome. Does our model lady move out? No. Her lack of sleep and her weird hallucinations are causing her to fuck up at work (how you fuck up posing for a picture standing still is beyond me but whatever), and her relationship with Prince Humperdink (also the vampire from Fright Night) starts to get a little tense. Then, in what has to be the creepiest scene ever, our heroine wakes up to a loud thud and while searching for it's origins, the audience sees what looks like a person in the shadows. She shines a light on the thing, and it darts across the room. What the fuck. Then there's some bloody stuff. The bloody stuff continues as we the audience begin to find out what the hell is going on in the house. It turns out that the house is a gateway to hell, and our blind priest is guarding the door. Also, the other tenants are undead demons that are trying to corrupt the new chick because she has been chosen to be the next guardian, or sentinel. What the fuck.

Gore: There's a good amount of bloody stuff. A stabbing or two, some face melts, etc.

Nudity: Well there is that weird Ellen Griswold (I just remembered her name) scene if that floats your boat. Weirdo.

This movie, if I were to cheaply describe it to someone in one sentence, I would say: It's a cross between "Rosemary's Baby" and "The Exorcist", though not as good as either.

Creepy scene not mentioned in the plot synopsis: The ending which included all manner of satanic mayhem and some actual deformed people mixed in with people wearing makeup.

I forgot to mention: The very beginning of the movie which had members of every religion meeting to discuss something really important. Oh well.

Question: Does the realtor lady work for Satan?

Prince Humperdink: still a douche.

Never: move into an apartment building where a creepy old priest lives. Especially if said clergy member never gets up from his chair and is totally blind.

Also: I've said this before but I feel I must stress it again. The clergy is absolutely useless when supernatural shit actually goes down. They are always too late, or too frail, to actually help fight the denizens of hell when they come up from hell to fuck with shit. Therefore, when you see some demon hellspawn shit going down, run or kill it yourself. You'll live longer.

Conclusion: This isn't the best, but it certainly isn't the worst demon movie I've seen. It's entertaining if not really weird in some spots. What's more, this was a studio movie. Like there was actual financial backing behind this movie, which is rare for something on this blogger thing here. The production values show all over this movie. However, it also should be noted that this was made pretty much to cash in on the Satan movie trend of the time. That shows too. In certain spots you just get the feeling that this shit was rushed out to meet demand. That doesn't take away from the fact that this is definitely a pleasant surprise. I was not expecting this movie to be as good as it was. Despite its flaws I recommend it. If for no other reason than to make your significant other uncomfortable. Ladies will be creeped out by the scary, dudes will be creeped out by Ellen Griswold's "Girl Time" scene.

Grade: 83%


This however, is infinitely more disgusting

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Stupid Movie Review: The Satanic Rites of Dracula

Director: I don't know. I'm just gonna say Hammer Films. For those of  you who aren't horror movie geeks (heathens), Hammer Films was (and is) a British Film company that produced hundreds of classic horror movies. They took classic monsters (even in the 50's they were classics) gave them some color, the ladies some cleavage, and a good amount of blood. All pretty strong stuff back in the day.

Actors: The single GREATEST horror movie (and beyond) actors of ALL TIME...Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing.

Plot: Hammer Dracula movies are always a good time. Despite the fact that by the time this one was made Christopher Lee really wanted nothing to do with playing the Dracula character anymore, this movie is still a great use of 90 minutes. While most of the Hammer Dracula movies take place in the 19th Century, in some silly little town in Middle Europe, this one takes place in 1970's England. A group of rich old white guys are having little Satanic ritual parties in a big mansion in the country. Scotland Yard suspects that more shit is going on then just that, and they get proof when one of their own escapes after being tortured by a bunch of goons hired by Satan's favorite old people. The cops have a problem however. It turns out that one of the members of this little cult is their boss. Shit. So the lead detectives here decide to investigate anyway to see what the hell these people are up to. They take some surveillance pictures, and they notice that there is a cellar underneath the house they didn't know about. They obviously decide to check it out. Meanwhile, the cops have been consulting with the one guy in all of England who knows some shit about shit, Professor Van Helsing. Peter Cushing may have already been getting old, and this is a few years before we'd see him in Star Wars as Grand Moff Tarkin, but god damn he's awesome. He tells our cops to tread lightly because Satanists are weird. Meanwhile, we also meet Van Helsing's hot granddaughter who agrees to help the cops check out the cellar. The cops and our lady go to the house, and when our girl finds the cellar, she gets attacked by a bunch of vampire whores. Now the shit is hitting the fan. After some investigating of our old Satan cult guys, the good guys figure out that maybe Dracula himself is behind all the shit, and he wants to kill everybody.

Gore: A lot of blood flies everywhere in this movie. We even have gun violence.

Boobs: Yeah actually. They're not great but they're there.

Logic issues: Van Helsing, you have been killing vampires for like 800 years. Why the fuck don't you shoot Dracula with the silver bullet you took three days to make? No instead you fucking talk about shooting him, allowing his rich white guy buddies to smack you around. Come on dude. You're better than that. This is the guy who got bit by a vampire in "Brides of Dracula" and fucking GOT RID OF IT by burning his own neck and rinsing it with holy water. THAT Van Helsing would have shot first and then spit on the body.

More logic issues: Why would you send an unarmed girl to check the basement? I'm talking to you stupid British cops.

Dracula is: one evil motherfucker. I mean to have your rich white guy disciples create a super potent bubonic plague to kill every human on the planet is some seriously evil shit.

Unexpected bad ass award: This goes to the younger cop who gets trapped in the house and takes out like 4 vampire sluts by himself. I mean fucks their shit up.

Best scene in the movie: The exchange between Van Helsing (Peter Cushing) and Dracula (Christopher Lee) where they pretty much say they are gonna fight, with awesome British accents. Two actors making a silly movie awesome.

Peter Cushing: RIP

Christopher Lee: is still the man.

I think: Hammer kind of just made up all the different ways to kill Dracula. Like in every one of these movies he dies in a different way. I mean bramble bush? Really?

What I learned from this movie: Satanic cults are always fucked up. Also, I thought that we established this when we did "Silver Bullet" but it's worth repeating. When you go up against the undead, always ALWAYS make more than one silver bullet. And when you make them, fucking shoot them.

Conclusion: I love all of the Hammer movies. Especially when they did Dracula. The Hammer Dracula movies were the first modern day horror movie series. They are always entertaining and when you put these two legends in the same movie it's always a good time. Even in this, considered to be one of the weaker installments (I don't agree), we have a solid 90 minutes of good Dracula action. It's cheap everywhere so if you come across it definitely take the time out to watch it.

Grade: 92%

The Masters. Respect the technique.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Stupid Movie Review: The Boogeyman (1980)

Director: Uli Lommel

Stars: I don't even think these people were real actors. I think they were people the director met in a McDonald's somewhere.

Plot: In what has to be the single most ridiculous concept in horror movie history, this is what is called a supernatural slasher movie. What the fuck does that mean? I'll tell you. The movie starts in a farmhouse sometime in the past. We see two kids looking through a window at their mom getting plowed by some dude who I am going to guess and say isn't their dad. The mom stops her whoring session for a second to yell at her kids for watching, and then the guy gets up and ties the older son to a bed. Meanwhile mommy is yelling at the other kid, her daughter to go to bed or the same thing will happen to her. Mother of the year hands down. The girl disobeys and gets a huge knife from the kitchen. She cuts her bro loose, and he takes the knife. Meanwhile, mommy is bumping fuglies in the other room, not at all concerned about her children. Might I add also that it would appear that they are role playing a rape fantasy. I say this because the asshole boyfriend is wearing pantyhose on his head. Whatever. Anyway, the kids walk into the room, and the boy then brutally stabs mommy's dickhead boyfriend. Then we fast forward about 15 years later. The kids are grown up, live on a farm, and the girl has her own family. The boy is a mute who hasn't said a word since he stabbed the shit out of that guy all those years ago. Why the fuck isn't he in a mental ward or some kind of prison? Anyway, the memories of what happened continue to trouble the kids in their adult lives, and the girl decides on the advice of a shrink to go back to their childhood home where the shit hit the fan. She goes, and while there sees the guy her brother stabbed in a mirror. She goes nuts and smashes the mirror, to the surprise of the people who currently live there and her husband. Judging by the ominous music, this was a bad idea. After a series of camera shots showing pieces of the broken mirror (that her husband brought back home for some reason) people start getting killed brutally by an unseen force that causes scissors and knives to stab people. Ok whatever. A few more killings and an "Excorcist" ripoff later and our movie ends. Sure.

Gore: Yeah the red stuff flows pretty freely. We have multiple stabbings, some "Scanners" style mind flayings, and a machete through the mouth of a guy and then his face gets stuck in another girl's face, killing them both. I don't know how else to explain this but it was pretty original.

What the fuck moment: When the mute kid suddenly chokes a lady, which has nothing to do with the plot, makes no sense, and isn't even explained at all afterwards. I don't get it.

Stupid concept alert: The killer is trapped in the mirror, right? So one scene, the child of our original girl gets a shard of the mirror stuck to the bottom of his shoe. The shard reflects in the sun, and the reflection then kills a bunch of people unrelated to our story. Why?

Stupid concept alert, part 2: This same shard of evil mirror gets stuck in our sister protagonist's eye, and then she turns evil or something. A priest's forehead gets melted because of this. What?

Why the fuck: did you keep the evil broken mirror?

What did we learn?: Apparently when you fillet your whore mother's shithead boyfriend their spirits get stuck in mirrors. Wait no that never happens.

In conclusion: This was a dumb fucking movie. Entertaining, but dumb. Nothing ever gets explained. For example, why the killer is stuck in a mirror or how that even happened. There are nonsensical occurrences throughout the movie. The concept is fucking dumb to say the least, but like I said earlier, it's kind of entertaining. The death scenes are pretty good, nice and gory and disgusting. I gotta give the director props for trying to do something slightly original. But he kinda sucks at it, not gonna lie. I think in a more competent director with a better script there might be a pretty decent movie in there somewhere. Nah probably not.

Grade: 67%

Mommy's a whore.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Stupid Movie Review: The Toolbox Murders

Director: Dennis Donnelly

Stars: Again, no one you know or recognize.

Plot: The movie opens with a horrible car accident. The camera pans around the crash, and we see that a young girl is hanging out of the mangled car, very very dead. We then fast forward to some time later (I forget how long) and we find ourselves in the apartment of some drunk floozy. This isn't usually a place you'd want to be anyway trust me. The doorbell rings or someone knocks I don't remember, and in walks some guy carrying a toolbox. The aforementioned harlot seems to recognize the guy and sort of acts bitchy towards him. A minute or so later, the guy is putting an electric drill through her arm. And then other places. Someone in a nearby apartment hears this, but stays in her room. Then she goes to change or shower and makes the cardinal mistake of walking outside of her apartment. Bickety bam more death courtesy of Sears tool department. This was just in the first five minutes I should add. A few more killings occur (one right after a pretty girl was having "girl time" in the bathtub), and then for some reason, the killer smacks a young girl and kidnaps her when all she wanted was to study American History and drink a Diet Pepsi. The movie then takes a weird sort of "Murder, She Wrote" kind of turn where we are now guessing who the killer is, and where and why he took the girl. Looking for her are a couple of semi-retarded cops and the girl's brother who wouldn't look out of place in a Bill and Ted movie. The brother searches everywhere, and meets up with the nephew of the guy who owns the apartment complex where the murders and kidnapping took place. Then the director fucks up and tells us who the killer is, and why he's doing it. Weirdness and creepy inappropriate behavior ensues, all having to do with the killer's motives which as you have probably guessed, have something to do with the car issue mentioned earlier.

Gore: We have hammer crushing a head, nail gun death, screwdriver stabbing, death by drill, human torchings, and scissor death. This sounds like a lot, but it all happens at the two ends of the movie. Not much goes on in the middle.

Nudity: Yes. Did I not mention the "girl time" incident?

Why: did the director decide to tell us who the killer is less than halfway through the movie? I mean I guess for his plot it worked, but we didn't need extended creepy adult on teenage girl behavior (it's not what you think. Stop watching Dateline). More death would've been better.

Creepy: The motive of the killer. Not gonna get into it but shit it was fucking out there.

Excellent plot twist(Spoiler city): The twist ending with the guy who had even worse motives than the killer. What he does is even creepier than just pretending the kidnapped girl was a dead loved one. Like I needed a shower after watching this.

There should have been: less talk more death.

Lesson I learned from watching this movie: Never ever tell anyone but the cops when you realize who kidnapped your sister and killed all of those sluts. Unless you want to end up on fire.

In conclusion: This is a solid movie. My issue with it is that it takes a very strange turn in the last half that I think is going to turn off a lot of people raised on slasher movie rules. What I mean is, all of the gore and death happens at the very beginning of the movie. This might cause one to think the whole movie is going to be like this. Nope. Instead the movie takes this weird turn where nothing much happens for about 40 minutes.Then shit gets weird. It's nothing particularly graphic, but the idea that anything can happen at any time, involving a young girl tied to a bed, might be a bit much for people. Not excluding the kill scenes of course, which are decent if not awesome. The nail gun scene alone is pretty fucking legit. The movie has some good twists, decent acting (decent not good), and 1970's scuzzy atmosphere. I recommend it.

Grade: 87%

      "Girl Time"

"Girl Time" interrupted...

Stupid Movie Review: Maniac

Director: William Lustig

Actors: The mob guy from Rocky. You know the guy who told Rocky to break some dude's fingers and then he didn't do it? Yeah that guy.

Plot: If you really wanna break up with your lady friend, watch this and Don't Go In the House together. In this one, yet another serial killer with severe mommy issues stalks and brutally kills just about anyone he encounters. Mostly pretty 1980 style ladies. He stalks them, toys with them, kills them brutally, and then collects their scalps to keep. Fucked up much? There really isn't much else to say about it.

Gore: Are you fucking kidding? The most graphically violent "slasher" movie in history. Head explosion, multiple stabbings, scalping's, dismemberment's, decapitations, it goes on. Tom Savini's finest hour.

Super Spoiler Alert: Don't read on if you don't want me to ruin all the cool parts.

Holy Shit! moment: when the grubby slimy fat killer stalks this couple doin it in a Caddy. He then approaches the couple with a shotgun, and jumps on the hood of the car and fires into the windshield. The dude's head literally explodes into tiny pieces causing me to jump out of my couch and hit the backward button on my dvd remote to see it again.

Leap of Logic moment: How is it that when our completely unhinged killer meets a girl he likes and doesn't wanna kill yet, he's a pimp. Like serious game spitting pimp.

Leap of Logic, part 2: How is this attractive girl into this fat, acne scarred, greasy 70's comb-over guy with a rape jacket?

Holy Shit! Part 2: The ending. When pissed off scalp less dead women attack and completely tear our killer a new asshole. Pretty awesome.

Conclusion: This is the most disturbing movie of the early 80's "slasher" cycle. I hesitate to even call it that because it doesn't really follow normal slasher movie rules. Like at all. For one thing, we know who the killer is the whole time. Two, there is no final girl, or anyone besides the killer you see onscreen for more than ten minutes. This is also not a fun movie. Slasher movies, if nothing else, are a lot of fun to watch. While I had a good time with it, this is not something to show your friends. Unless your friends with me. I love how, just like "...House" you see the killer lose his mind little by little until he goes completely bat shit crazy at the end. The movie is more of a character study, a dirty filthy gross character study. Basically everything about this movie is awesome. See it.

Grade: 96%



Monday, October 11, 2010

Stupid Movie Review: Don't Go in the House

Director: Joseph Ellison

Starring?: No one you know or care about. Apparently the main character was on The Sopranos but so was everybody in New Jersey.

Plot: This one is pretty intense. The movie opens in an industrial incinerator factory where our main character works. Here we see a co-worker be a dumbass and accidentally light himself on fire, prompting our main character to flash back to his mom burning his arms over the stove. That's how this thing STARTS. We soon learn that mommy dearest is a pretty sick lady, literally as well as figuratively. When the guy gets home, mommy isn't waking up. Since she was kind of a bitch, he's sort of happy about this...but then he starts hearing voices in his head. He then feels compelled to kill pretty girls. So now I know what you're saying. "This another slasher serial killer movie. I've seen this shit like three billion times". No. Shut up. The guy finds his first victim, lures her somehow (trust me it wasn't charm) to his house, and then knocks her out. Next time we see her she's hanging by her hands in a fireproof room our main character built in the house. He walks in wearing a firesafe suit and carrying a flame thrower. I'm not going to ruin the rest because you can probably imagine what transpires. However, it is done so well that it is more gut wrenching than any Jason Voorhees death scene ever. The rest of the movie follows our killer as he stalks and lures other girls to the same fate, and then has a total and complete mental and nervous breakdown. Obviously more goes on but I want you to actually seek this movie out and watch the damn thing.

Gore: None really. But we have one serious burning scene that's just as good.

Silly moment that dates the movie: Definitely when our killer gets ready for, and then attends, a disco. It's bad. The music is worse. At least he lights some slut's aquanet hair on fire with a candle.

Why: do a lot of late 70's serial killer movies have an overdose of Oedipal rage and other creepy mommy issues?

Thank god or whomever you believe in: they aren't remaking this...yet.

Why: did I just see this three days ago?

In conclusion:  This is a solid movie from the late 70's. You know, when directors weren't afraid to disturb the shit out of you. Watch this together with "Maniac" and you got a fucked up movie double feature. These movies are specifically designed to make girls hate you, so dudes don't think you're getting any if you watch this with your significant other. It is a creepy, atmospheric, and brutal movie that I think doesn't get the props it deserves. In fact, outside of horror movie people I don't think anyone has even heard of it. It's a fucking shame because this actually a really decent experience. Fuck I liked it. Highly recommended.

Grade: 90%

                 Not to be fucked with.

                 This is why.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

On why this year's horror movies aren't doing well and why it's really no big deal.

 So I'm sitting here and it's Sunday before Columbus Day and I don't have work tomorrow. I'm sitting here watching the Herschell Gordon Lewis classic "Blood Feast" and I'm realizing that I haven't made a peep on this here blog in months. I was going to do another silly little review of a terrible movie but I feel like I should sort of comment on the recent glut of horror movies at the theaters this month. On October 1, four new theater horror movies were released. Since then, one of these has been already pulled, none of them have made shit for money, and two more have been released just this Friday. So of course I looked at all the internet horror magazines and they all are wondering why their readers and horror fans in general aren't coming out to the theaters. They say it like it is absolutely imperative that every person who calls themselves a horror fan must go out and see every one of these movies or the world will end. Most people if they are going to see a movie are watching that Facebook movie crap (I will not comment on how asinine I think a movie about Facebook is but just know I think it's dumb). I don't think it's hard to get why no one's coming out to see them. One is a remake of a movie from Sweden no one heard of, another has Renee Zellwegger and might be good but probably isn't, the other two no one knows about because there has been no advertising outside of horror circles. Of the two that came out on Friday, one is a guaranteed suck fest in 3D and the other is a remake of a graphic exploitation movie most people haven't heard of. Is this really that hard to figure out? Movies are fucking expensive. People are not going to see a movie for $12 that looks like shit. Period. I will see just about anything, but not for $12. Especially if that $12 is for a Wes Craven movie. In 3D no less. Hopefully that trend will die soon. It didn't work in the 50's either. Or the 80's. Leave it alone.

   As for what this means for horror bout we take it down a notch. It isn't that serious. I like that there are some actual choices this year, but that doesn't mean I'm going to just drop $100 at the movie theater. I don't intend to see Saw 89 (I haven't seen one of those since part 2 and I hated it so much I vowed never again), nor will I see Paranormal Activity 2. The first time was a good idea, once was enough. I'm glad there are choices, but they all look iffy at best. Hatchet 2 was the only surefire, and that got pulled from the three theaters it was playing. All signs point to money being the issue, but there is speculation that releasing it unrated might have been the real reason. Whatever, I'll catch it on DVD. Which brings me to my next point. The fact that people aren't shelling out their hard earned, and in most cases hard to come by dollars on the crap at the theater doesn't mean the death of the horror movie. Not in the slightest. I for one would much rather pick up a movie on DVD anyway. I watch it whenever I want in the comfort of my own home, on my couch, without gum under the seat or shithead loud people. That's where the real money in horror is anyway. I check the DVD listings every month to see if anything new and obscure (sometimes both) is getting released. If I have a choice between buying the Slumber Party Massacre re-issued trilogy on DVD or seeing a 3D crapfest a' la Wes Craven, I don't even have to say it. Will I see one of the theater movies? Maybe. Maybe not. Who gives a shit? Horror movies will be made regardless. No matter who watches them.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Stupid Movie Review: Prince of Darkness

Director: John Carpenter

Actors that matter: Donald Pleasance, A bunch of guys from Big Trouble in Little China, and...Alice Cooper?

Plot: The movie opens with a priest on his deathbed. On his stomach there is a little treasure box thing. I think he mutters something, and then he croaks. We then see Donald Pleasance and a bunch of other priests looking nervous and constipated. Inside the chest holds a key to an old church. Inside the church basement there is this giant cylinder full of swirling Ecto-Cooler. Donald Pleasance looks more constipated. We then cut to what looks like a university, and we then meet the rest of our main characters. Basically a bunch of grad student types and their professor. Our main hero is some dude with a moustache who creepily looks at the hot chick in his class. Only she's not that hot. They end up knocking boots. Good job moustache guy. A little bit later the professor (one of the old Chinese guys from Big Trouble in Little China) and Donald Pleasance the priest go to the church to look at the Ecto-Cooler tube. They decide this shit is sinister, and the professor says he wants to run tests on the green crap. Suddenly, all the people in the professor's class are told to cancel their plans and go with the professor to the church, presumably to run tests on the green shit in the tube. All the grad students get there, and immediately begin running tests. Meanwhile, an army of creepy homeless people led by Alice Cooper wait motionless outside the church. Some of them are covered in cockroaches. Cool. As the kids run the tests, they soon realize there is some weird shit going on and the priest then tells them all that this liquid shit is the essence of Satan, who is trying to bring his dad, the Anti-God, to Earth. The grad students aren't sure they believe this shit, but then the green goo starts to come alive and squirts itself into some poor woman's mouth. Probably not the first time she's been surprised like that. Anyway, if the green stuff gets on you, you turn into a satan zombie. Satan zombies can also squirt the green shit on people. Suddenly, the grad students start dying off, and then it becomes readily apparent that the satan zombies are really trying to bring this Anti-God dude to Earth. One woman gets the whole contents of the cylinder inside her, and she turns into a melting hell bitch with superpowers. Basically, everyone in the church is fucked. The homeless people outside stab anyone who gets away, so everyone left alive is trapped. The satan zombies attack, and the hell bitch tries to bring the Anti-God guy to Earth through a mirror. Some fighting happens, a slit throat, some death, axe dismemberment, and finally our mustachioed hero's love interest sacrifices her life to save everyone else.

Gore: We don't have a ton of gore in this one, but what we do have is pretty cool. There's limb dismemberment, one multiple stabbing, one of the dead grad students returning to life to deliver a creepy message only to completely fall apart, bloating, neck snapping, face melting (kind of), and impalement by bicycle.

What I learned from this movie: Priests are completely worthless when real deal evil shit comes to Earth. Also, when the evil goes away they like to take credit when they did nothing to stop it.

Creepy shit: The recurring dream sequence that every character has where the camera (looks like something from Paranormal Activity) pans around the church to reveal a shadowy cloaked dude in the doorway. All while weird transmission like sounds play in the background.

Never trust: Alice Cooper. He will impale your ass on a bicycle.

Graduate Science students should: Say "no" when their eccentric professor wants them to run tests on shit without telling them why. Also they should leave when they see an army of creepy homeless people gathered outside of the building they're in.

Boobs?: None. Not that kind of movie.

Best Lines: "YOU WILL NOT BE SAVED" and "I have a message for you. You're not gonna like it. Pray for dead"

Donald Pleasance: Should have thrown the fucking axe before the girl jumped through the mirror. Asshole.

In conclusion: I hadn't seen this movie for a long time before popping it in last night. I forgot how cool it is. A lot of people give this movie shit as well as John Carpenter but they can all eat it. I really hate it when people who think they know something berate a director for making a movie that isn't exactly like their previous classic. Prince of Darkness is not Halloween. Nor is it The Thing. No shit. That's no reason to shit on this movie. It more than stands on its own merits and is actually pretty creepy. John Carpenter movies all have one thing in common. The good guys never truly "win". Even in Halloween, Michael Myers gets shot 6 times and the bastard still gets up. Another example? James Woods killed Valek in Vampires, but his partner was turned into one in the process. More? Kurt Russel kills The Thing, but no one's coming to rescue him. There is always that sense that everyone in the film is totally fucked no matter what happens. This movie is no exception. It ends with the same sense of dread that it built up since the opening scene. Basically, the good guys win the battle, but never the war. The acting is halfway decent and the movie has some creepy moments for once. A seriously underrated movie.

Grade: 89%

                  Satan found her on E-Harmony.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Stupid Movie Review: The Prowler

Director: Joseph Zito. He would later do "Friday the 13th part 4". AKA the best Jason movie ever.

Stars: A bunch of college (sorta) age kids who deserved to be killed. A crippled guy, and a stupid cop.

Plot: Another quality 80's slasher. This one opens up at the end of WWII. We see newsreel footage of the troops coming home and happily celebrating not dying or being crippled. Then we cut to a shot of a letter that turns out to be a "Fuck off soldier guy! I'm doing somebody else because I'm a whore and couldn't wait for your dumb ass to come back before opening my legs again" letter. Bummer. The next shot takes us to what looks like a big ball room dance for graduation '46 or whatever. We then see a couple who decide to blow the party and go make out in a secluded spot. I'm going to guess that this is the aforementioned whore from the letter and her new boyfriend. They end up at a gazebo and start preparing for entry. We keep cutting back to the dance where everyone's happy and having fun. Suddenly as the couple starts to get down, a dude dressed up like a soldier comes and pitchforks the shit out of the couple. I will make the leap and guess that this is the pissed off soldier boyfriend who seems to have taken his break-up very badly. Blood flies everywhere, and our movie is well under way. Fast forward to 1980, and a new graduation dance is being set up for the first time since our initial brutal slaying. We have a group of stupid as shit college kids, a worthless young cop, and a bunch of grizzled townspeople. We also have a sheriff to go along with the worthless cop who I guess is his deputy. That makes two cops for the entire town. That's right. Two fucking cops. Our sheriff decides to go on we have one cop. Yes, the conditions seem right for a multiple homicide. The dance begins, and our first victims get brutally skewered. It seems our psycho soldier is back, and pissed about the dance. He also seems to have not lost his touch despite being about 30 years older. A few scares and a few dead bodies later, our dumb as dogshit "final girl", along with worthless deputy cop guy, start digging for answers to find the killer. He kills more people in a variety of creative ways, and eventually our retarded couple find out who he is. This leads to a cool climax and awesome final showstopping gore scene. It also leads to a cheap "Carrie" scare at the end of the movie. More on this later.

Gore: Yeah, we have a lot of the goo in this one. A bayonet through the skull, several pitchfork kabobs, throat stabbings, throat slashings, exploding heads, and the list goes on. Another Tom Savini gore effects masterpiece.

Who is Tom Savini?: It has come to my attention that perhaps you fine people don't know who the fuck I'm talking about. I'm going to rattle off a few movies. Maybe you heard of them. Dawn of the Dead (original not shitty remake), Friday the 13th 1 and 4, The Burning, Day of the Dead, etc. He did all of the gore effects for these fine films. Respect the technique.

Holy Shit moment: The exploding head death by shotgun. Holy...Shit.

I'm not sure: That when you get stabbed through the head by bayonet that your eyes roll all the way back. I mean I don't know and there's no way to find out, but that seems kind of odd to me.

Oh my God you stupid fucking bitch moment: Our first victims die in the dorm room of our main character, stupid as hell "final girl". Our idiot protagonist, about three seconds after the killings, spills punch on her dress and decides to go back to the dorm and change. She walks in, takes out another dress, and changes. She does not seem to notice the copious amounts of blood all over the fucking room. How the fuck can you NOT see the blood literally right in front of you?!?!? Like honestly YOU'RE THE FINAL GIRL? REALLY?!?!? Meanwhile, the killer is still in the room putting a flower on his victims in the shower where he placed them. You fucking idiot.

Irrational and ill-advised skinny dipping?: Yes.

Boobs?: Yes a nice pair in the shower. Unfortunately, their owner is quickly impaled by a pitchfork to the abdomen.

Why: was it necessary to have the stupid "Carrie" scare at the end of this? For those of you who don't know what I mean, a "Carrie" scare refers to the final scene in the movie "Carrie" where the director gave the audience that final 'jump'. In that case, it was the dream sequence where the girl goes to put a flower where Carrie White's house burned down, and a hand, presumably Carrie's, pops out of the ground to grab the girl. Another example is when the disfigured Jason pops out of the water at the end of Friday the 13th. You get the point. In this movie the "Carrie" scare is not only completely unnecessary, it's fucking stupid. The idiot "final girl" goes back to her dorm after killing off the bad guy, opens the shower and suddenly a hand pops out and grabs her. It belongs to the dude who got his skull stabbed way back in the beginning. The guy is fucking dead. Why would you do this? Luckily it was a dream sequence or something. Still, very stupid.

In conclusion: Despite my ranting above, this is a pretty good slasher movie. We have good kills, a lot of them I might add. We have a decent plot, some boobs, and a showstopper head explosion at the end. However, the acting is bad, the characters are stupid to the point where no one should have sympathy for them at all, and there are some serious leaps of logic in some of the scenes. Either way, this shit is on XBOX Netflix so give it a watch. It's worth the time.

Grade: 85%

That can't feel good.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Stupid Movie Review: The Burning

Director: I don't know, who cares?

Actors: George from Seinfeld (with hair no less), and plenty of people to kill off.

Plot: Alright so this is a slasher from the early 80's. You already know the plot. You want more information? Fine. Basically this is your standard stalk and slash about a dude who was the victim of a terribly stupid camp prank where he was burned alive. A few years ( I think) later, and he's out. The first thing he does is kill a hooker with floppy bologna boobs. She deserved it. She was gonna give everyone the HIV. Anyway, right after this we go to a camp full of kids and counselors. The burned pissed off guy begins to stalk everybody to get his revenge for being turned into half man, half dog poo. A lot of these people (victims) look familiar, like they had careers after this movie or something. Anyway, after a long while we get a few gory deaths, including the absolute showstopper on the rafts. There, done.

Gore: We have a lot of death by scissors, the aforementioned showstopper and a half on the rafts. Interestingly enough, a lot of the good kills were cut out by those rat bastards at the MPAA when this came out. In fact, I heard that up until the recent DVD (the one I bought) the whole raft scene was completely missing. The movie is almost not worth watching without it. I mean we have fingers cut off, throats slashed open, multiple stabbings, arterial spray, all in one sequence. Can't beat that. All hail Tom Savini, king of the gore.

Boobs: Yes.

Why: does every camp slasher movie have the "I can't find my clothes after skinny dipping" scene? And why do kids seem to want to skinny dip in a lake? Aren't there leeches and poop in there? That's a whole horror movie by itself.

Also: I think the "final girl (or in this case guy)" should die in these movies just like everyone else. What makes these people so fucking special? They are just as stupid as any other character in the movie. Just because they don't bump uglies or drink or smoke doesn't mean they get to live. Fuck that they should die even more horribly for being puritanical little fuckers. Like buzzsaw to the face death.

Best line: Camper: "So what are we supposed to be looking for anyway"
              George from Seinfeld: "Your mother"

Worst character: Glazer the super-bro. It's like a blonde haired "Situation" type dude. If this movie was made in 2010 instead of 1981 he'd be a Tapout shirt wearing, Blow-Out sporting  parasite. I'm glad he dies terribly.

In conclusion: This is a pretty decent 80's slasher. If you haven't seen it, try to rent it or something. It's worth the time. Especially for the death raft scene.

Grade: 83%

      That sucks dude.

Editorial: What we don't need or want

  I've been reading a lot on the internet lately. I've got a lot of time on my hands what can I say? Anyway, I've seen that there is a rumored Scream sequel on the way. They've even started casting it. I am less than thrilled to hear this. I also saw a trailer for a new M. Night Shammamamakanhdhfuebdbdfdejd movie. Again, not thrilled. I always see news about the latest great 80's horror movie being remade into a piece of shit. Again, not thrilled. Let's not even begin talking about the next Saw sequel. What is this, number 12? My question to filmmakers and the community at large is...Why? Why the fuck do we need this crap? The answer is, obviously, that we don't. There was a spoof of the slasher movie made in 1982 called Student Bodies. The advertising campaign, designed to be funny, started with the sentence, "Last year 26 horror films were released...None of them lost money". That, dear readers (all three of you), is what it's all about. Studios don't want to take a chance at anything unless they know it's going to make them a shit ton of money. That's why half of the decent horror movies since 2000 have come out on dvd and never in a theater. Back in the same 1980's, there was a place for the horror movies the big studios didn't release. That place was the Grindhouse or the Drive- In's across the country. Now if the studios don't release it, we may get it on an unrated DVD. That's another problem. The MPAA is so fucked up that any director or producer of a horror film has to fight tooth and nail just to get an "R". That's nothing new of course. I don't want to sound all high and mighty and righteous but I know that The Expendables didn't have to fight nearly as hard for their "R" rating, and trust me that shit was gory. Just like in the 80's when half of every slasher or creature movie was cut to shreds but Die Hard 2 went in no problem. It's all about money. If you don't think the MPAA isn't a bribe machine you're dreaming. I'm positive that Antichrist and Human Centipede didn't even bother trying to get rated by the board.
       Ah it seems I have gotten off topic. Well, not really. The point here is that new ideas in horror films are being shot down and destroyed by the almighty dollar. All we get these days are recycled ideas from old movies, remakes of old movies, or PG-13 watered down Crystal Light movies with no balls. The studios are for lack of a better word, scared. The argument put to me would be, "Well the economy is bad. And people can just download movies now. What do you expect?". That's a bullshit argument. This whole cycle of crap began way before the economy was so shitty. And let us not forget the 70's and 80's when the economy was also a giant shithole. Filmmakers somehow found ways to deliver the goods then didn't they? No. The problem isn't the economy, the problem is lack of creativity We line up every year (well I don't) to see the 89th Saw movie. The kiddies go to see every PG-13 piece of shit because they can. Older people looking for nostalgia line up to see the newest shit remake. I am just as guilty in that department. If we didn't go, the studios wouldn't make them anymore. M. Night Shabalamamamama would be out of a job, and Wes Craven would be poor as shit (he should be thrown off of a bridge for his crimes against horror but whatever).
        There is light at the end of the tunnel however. A few people out there seem committed to making good stuff despite this shitty climate. Guillermo Del Toro is making like 128 movies this year and I guarantee they will all be good. We need more guys like him out there. We also need the big names to step up and make something awesome. Okay I'm done. I'm going to watch something disgusting now.

Friday, August 20, 2010

The Expendables list of death

  I know this post has nothing to do with horror movies but I don't care it's my blog I'll do with it as I please. This is about the return of the real deal action movie. The Expendables and then Machete later on to me marks a return to the silly, over the top, tough guy action movie. No more Pg-13 Michael Bay suck out louds, no more CGI stunts (well probably a little bit I haven't seen the movie yet), none of that shit. The Expendables pretty much has 2 decades worth of action heroes in one movie, with a few notable exceptions. In my opinion however, you shouldn't be allowed in the theater without seeing the following movies for homework. These movies may not have everyone in The Expendables, but they should be seen and loved regardless. In no particular order, here they are:

1. Delta Force (Chuck Norris saves Israel)
2. Delta Force 2 (Chuck Norris wins the war on drugs by himself)
3. Commando (Arnold kills an entire South American army, and saves a pre-teen Alyssa Milano from certain death at the hands of a weirdly accented chain mail clad bad guy)
4. Hard to Kill (Seagal awakens from a coma and kills everyone in the movie in three moves or less)
5. Double Impact (Van Damme and Van Damme and a hot chick fight bad guys in Hong Kong)
6. Invasion USA (Chuck Norris saves America from Commie terrorists. Like 800,000 of them.)
7. Die Hard (Bruce Willis' best movie)
8. Die Hard 2 (Bruce Willis survives more terrorists)
9. Marked for Death (Seagal kills an entire gang of Jamaican drug dealers in three moves or less)
10. The Punisher (1989 Dolph Lundgren classic where he kills the whole mob and the Yakuza. Way better than any other Punisher movie that came out afterwards.)
11. Cliffhanger (Stallone on a mountain. Excellent death by rock bolt gun thing.)
12. Red Scorpion (Dolph Lundgren kills the whole Soviet army. Because he feels like it.)
13. Rambo II (Stallone goes back to 'Nam. And fucks everybody up)
14. Universal Soldier (Van Damme and Dolph Lundgren in the same movie. It was The Expendables about 20 years before that shit came out)
15. Under Siege (Seagal kills every terrorist on a Battleship. And he gouges Tommy Lee Jones' eyes out)
16. Missing in Action (Chuck Norris goes back to 'Nam to rescue every POW there. And he succeeds. Obviously)
17. Rambo 3 (Stallone goes to Afghanistan, and unwittingly helps the Taliban)
18. Above the Law (Seagal's first and best movie. He cleans up Chicago and still has time to bang Sharon Stone before she was showing her cooter in Basic Instinct)
19. Predator (I am not going to describe this. If you don't know I hate you)
20. Total Recall (Arnold on Mars killing bad guys who stole his identity. Big Mistake)
21. Robocop (I don't even know where to start.)
22. Showdown in Little Tokyo (Dolph and Brandon Lee vs. The Yakuza. Also Tia 'Wayne's World' Carrere has a sex scene.)
23. Rapid Fire (Brandon Lee fucks up the mob.)
24. The Octagon (Chuck Norris vs. a horde of ninjas)
25. The Last Boyscout (Bruce Willis is a dirty PI who shoots everyone that moves. Except DamonWayans for some reason.)
26. Cobra (Stallone vs. about 3000 evil violent serial killer dudes)
27. Raw Deal (Arnold goes undercover. Shoots people.)
28. Red Heat (Arnold is Russian. Shoots people.)
29. Road House (Best movie Patrick Swayze was ever in.)
30. Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man (Trust me this is the best action movie you've never seen)
31. Code of Silence (Chuck Norris takes out drug dealers and dirty cops. Not to be fucked with)
32. Lone Wolf McQuade (Chuck Norris drives a car out of six feet of earth and then kills David Carradine.)
33. Eraser (Arnold kills corruption with giant cannon things)
34. Sniper (Tom Berenger shoots a lot of people in the head with a sniper rifle)
35. Hard Target (Van Damme and his mullet in a lot of cool gun battles)
36. Death Wish (Charles fucking Bronson)
37, Under Siege 2 (Seagal's last decent movie. He pretty much kills a bunch of terrorists. Again.)
38. The Hitman (Chuck Norris and his mullet. Sidekicks all over the place)
39. Black Mask (Jet Li is a superhero type. A lot of people get their ass kicked)
40. Out for Justice (Seagal and a bad Brooklyn accent violently kill everyone who fucks with him. In two moves or less)
41. Missing in Action 2 (Chuck Norris escapes from 'Nam in a flashback movie. Everyone dies but him)
42. American Ninja (My favorite movie when I was 6 years old)
43. The Glimmer Man (Seagal is a cop who used to be a CIA guy. He kinda looks Buddhist. Yet he brutally kills people)
44. Escape from New York (The fact that Kurt Russel isn't on here yet makes me think somewhere along the line I fucked up)
45. Executive Decision (Kurt Russel and Seagal in the same movie. Except Seagal dies. What?)
46. True Lies (The last good James Cameron movie)
47. Point Break (Whoa.)
48. Lethal Weapon 2 (Before Mel Gibson was a twat)
49. They Live (Roddy Piper killing aliens. Also epic fist fight with the guy from Men at Work)
50. Braddock: Missing in Action 3 (Chuck Norris returns to 'Nam. He's got a kid who gets kidnapped by a VietCong General. Bad idea)

When I think of more I'll add them.

Monday, August 2, 2010

"The Human Centipede" running commentary. haha!

So I decided to re-open the festivities on this here blog by doing a running commentary on the super-hyped "The Human Centipede". I've heard a ton of shit about this, so here we go:

-Popped in movie at 7:30. We got a weird dude looking at a picture of animals with their mouths and butts close together.
- Weird dude follows a trucker guy into the woods. Trucker guy has a roll of toilet paper in his hand. Weird guy has a rifle.
- Now that wasn't nice.
- Okay so here we have two silly bitches in a hotel room. Yeah they're fucking dumb....and this is sorta set-up like Hostel.
- Dumb bitches get a flat tire. Some other old guy stops and starts saying graphic sexual things in German. Fucking Germans.
- Well this is predictable.
- Yeah good knock on the fucking door to the house in the middle of the fucking woods.
- Ah hello weird guy from 10 minutes ago.
- Now he is creepy weird guy. New name. He has fish eyes. Vaguely looks like a Nazi.
- Also he is fluent in English. These bitches don't look like they can read.
- I will now name the stupid bitches in an attempt to not be such a dick. They will be named Asshole and Total Asshole.
-Weird Creepy Doctor (he just said he was), just slipped the ladies a mickey. The man knows how to entertain.
-"Do you live here with your wife?"
   "No...I don't like humans."   Best line so far
- Also he just cursed at them in German.
- Dr. Creeper is filling a syringe...The Asshole Twins seem to be getting sleepy
- Dr. Creeper just told them they were drugged. Reaction is poorly acted.
- Asshole vomits. So far this a lot like Hostel.
- Well, they're fucked.
-Looks like a hospital bed. Handcuffs.
- Stupid bitches and pooping guy together in a room. Bad acting.
- Pooper guy was just told he is going to die. The evil doc is pretty badass.
- Nothing too gross has happened yet.
- A new guy was just caught, looks like a Japanese dude. I only know that because he's yelling in Japanese.
- Doc has white lab coat. Hmmm.
- Doc just introduced himself as a surgeon who likes to put people together. He did it with his dog. I'm glad I didn't see that.
- He is now explaining what he's going to do to these people.
- Yeah, that's fucked up.
- Yeah I'd be screaming too.
- Well that's fucking gross.
- Japanese guy is screaming jibberish.
- Never go to Germany. I'm convinced.
- One of the asshole twins is running away. Typical girl in a horror movie. Run out the fucking door you stupid bitch.
- Whoever is playing the doctor is kind of awesome.
- Worst chick in a horror movie....ever.
- Jamie Lee would've fucked this guy up inside 12 seconds.
- "I know definitely, that YOU ARE THE MIDDLE PIECE!" hahahahaha
- Attempted drowning. The doc is saying "shit" in German.
- Stupid is temporarily alive, should be booking out of the broken window but instead is slowly walking and whimpering. He can't hear whimpering I guess.
- No asshole your friend is already fucked just go already.
- Jump scares? Really?
- Tranq dart!
- Shit here comes the operation.
- Movie was fairly tame to this point.
- Ick.
- Yuck.
- So wait. That's the big deal?
- Okay no I was wrong.
- That's fucked up.
-  Doc is kissing himself through a mirror. What the hell am I watching.
- The "What the fuck moment" just happened.
- I would have loved to be in the room when this movie was being pitched.
- He has Nazi boots. Not at all surprised.
- Oh...My....Fucking...God!
-  The other "What the fuck moment"? Yeah that was it. I haven't even seen anything it's the suggestion that's messed up.
- The Japanese guy has balls. Maybe.
- The cops are there. They might be filleted or turned into a human octopus for the sequel.
- German doctor getting pissy.
-  Cops still alive.
- When the director's parents asked him what his movie is about I wonder if he said, "Three people eat each other's asses because a crazy Nazi doctor doesn't like people. Can I have a cookie mom?"
- Oh!
- I have a feeling I know what's coming...I am grossed out.
- .........................
- Ok. I am officially over the "shock" of people connected ass-to-mouth
- Crawling people climax commence
- Samurai centipede!
- Wait no....Now suddenly this shit got all philosophical.
- Eww.
- Cops are back.
- Evil maniacal laughter.
- I got ca$h on the cops shooting the ass-to-mouth people.
- I lost the bet.
- Stupid fucking cops.
- That gives a whole (no pun intended) new meaning to the term "final girl".
- That was indeed fucked up.

My one sentence review of this movie: What the hell did I just watch?

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Stupid movie review: The Mangler

Director: Tobe Hooper. He made one good movie. Maybe two if we're being kind.

Actors of any importance: Robert Englund (yeah Freddy Krueger himself), the guy who played Buffalo Bill

Plot (nearest I can tell): A young girl who works in an industrial laundry factory cuts herself trying to operate this huge machine. Right after this, two idiots carrying what they say is an icebox nearly drop the fucker on this poor girl, and there's huge sparks and lightning and every one's crying blah blah blah. After this the machine decides to eat an elderly lady as she operates it. Apparently the machine is an automatic folding apparatus as it eats the woman and then folds her like a huge sheet. Then a detective guy played by Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs begins to investigate what happened. He encounters the factory owner played by Freddy Krueger who is made up to look like an old half crippled Southern plantation owner from the 1860's. His first instinct is to have the machine shut down but those who run the town rule the death as accidental and business at the factory resumes as normal. This is when I lost track of what the fuck was going on. We then meet the detective's hippy friend who has a strange working knowledge of stupid shit and eats organic food. We also keep seeing a weird old photographer who uses a camera from like 1923 or some shit. Accidents keep happening at the factory, and nobody gives a shit but the detective. Then as he's investigating he finds the icebox and it has apparently killed a child. The detective goes on a poorly acted temper tantrum smacking the icebox with a weapon I can't remember at it releases a strange power thing complete with lightning. He now of course thinks supernatural shit is at work so him and his hippy friend keep investigating. They find out that the machine is possessed by some demon and they now have to stop it. Robert Englund of course wants to stop them because it now turns out that he and the powerful rich people in town made a deal with Satan to become rich and powerful. The only requirement is that they must make human sacrifices to the machine, called the mangler. What...the...fuck.

Gore: In this one we have all kinds of machine on human death. We have an arm hacked off, fingers severed, the hippy guy gets gutted, we have innards folded like linens, and burn victims.

What the fuck moment: This whole movie is a "what the fuck" moment. However if I can narrow it down a bit I will pick the icebox of death killing a small boy and the resulting reaction from the detective. He's smashing the shit out of this thing and every one's just watching him, and then lightning flies out of it. Who writes this shit? Oh yeah, Stephen King wrote this shit.

What the fuck moment, part 2: Here's a spoiler. But you won't see it anyway. The detective and his hippy friend perform an exorcism on the mangler. Yes you read that right.

Robert Englund: Is the only reason this movie was even close to watchable. He was great as a slave driving evil crippled Colonel Sanders. This guy is B movie royalty.

Tobe Hooper: What happened to you?

Best line: When the detective and his stupid hippy friend fail at their exorcism and the machine suddenly turns into a dinosaur (another what the fuck moment) the hippy says, "I think we're fucked".

In conclusion: This was a gigantic piece of shit, yet mildly entertaining in a weird way. I mean the plot is gibberish, the acting is atrocious on every imaginable level (except Robert Englund), and the premise is utter nonsense. Yet for some reason, I can't totally hate this movie. I never read the Stephen King story this crap pile was made from, but Tobe Hooper wrote the screenplay. I mean after Texas Chainsaw I guess the only place to go was down. And down he went. Like a cheap hooker in a pickup truck. I think the only decent movie he made after Chainsaw was The Funhouse, and that wasn't great trust me. Like I said though, there are some redeeming qualities to this movie. It's utter stupidity alone makes it entertaining on a strange level. Also, I have seen far worse in my years than this. Robert Englund alone carries this movie and he's in it maybe 40 minutes tops. The best is the cover of the DVD. They bold letter Tobe Hooper and Stephen King's name's to appeal to us silly horror fans. I bought it a long time ago because it was 5 bucks. Don't make the same mistake I did. Both director and author probably wish this piece of shit disappeared a long time ago. As bad as it is, IT'S STILL BETTER THAN AVATAR.


Respect the technique

Stupid Movie Review: Return of the Living Dead 3

Actors of note: The bad guy from Marked for Death, yeah that's about it

Plot: Some stupid whiny kid (today he would be called emo) and his whore girlfriend sneak into a secret government lab where the kid's dad works. They watch as an experiment goes horrendously wrong and a zombie pretty much eats three people. The kid's father is the one running the experiment, and as a result of it getting completely fucked up gets transferred by his military superiors. The kid and his slut sneak back out of the lab and bump uglies until his dad gets home to tell him they gotta move. The kid has a whiny tantrum and tells his dad he's not going with him, then he and the whore leave on the kid's motorcycle. Of course they have a terrible accident, and the whore gets killed. The kid now has a bright idea to bring her back with the Trioxin, the chemical stuff that turns people into zombies. After this, the kid and his undead whore go on the run from the military, the cops, and later on a bunch of Latin gangstas. Zombie mayhem then commences.

Gore: Yeah we got plenty of the gooey stuff. We have brain eating, general people eating, gross out gunshot wounds, drills to the head, the completely impossible tearing of a head with the spinal cord still attached, and the really unnecessary undead whore piercing herself with all manner of sharp objects

Logic Alert: Why the hell would you want your girlfriend to be a zombie? Did this kid not just see what she will eventually turn into? And also, not to be vulgar but I think in this case I have to be, did this whiny toad even stop to think for one second that if his little fix worked, and she didn't turn into undead hellslut that he would essentially be boning a dead girl? I mean come on now.

I was slightly uncomfortable with: The lovely Latin American stereotype gangstas. I mean this was just a bit racist. That and the Asian convenience store owner who eventually has his brain eaten.

Bad Acting award: Goes to the bad guy from Marked for Death who played The Riverman. He was a crazy homeless guy who lives in a sewer, yeah I get it. But did he have to talk so much?

Don't ever trust: The government. Apparently they make zombies.

What the fuck? moment: When the undead superwhore starts poking herself with every sharp object in the sewer and sort of becomes the zombie terminatrix. What the hell was this? And also who thought that would be a good idea in a movie? Someone watching would be completely justified if they turned the movie off right here, despite being about 80% done with the film. This scene, while thus setting up some great zombie carnage, completely takes me out of the movie. I can stretch my imagination only so far and then I have to say "No that's dumb". A super undead zombie weapon whore is really just that, a dumb idea.

Logic Alert, part 2: After the sequence mentioned above, when the Latin Gangstas are roughing up whiny kid and his homeless sewer dwelling friend, the zombie predator bitch walks in (all decked out in her new sharp object suit of armor and causing me to laugh at how dumb this is). The head gangsta thinks shes hot and walks into a room with her. He thinks her piercing herself with sharp things is a kinky sex act and that she'll bone him if he walks into the other room with her. Meanwhile, his other gangsta buddy is dying from a zombie bite on the floor. Now if I ever saw some slut with broken glass and nails sticking out of all of her various body parts, I'd fucking run like hell or at least ask this person what the hell her deal was. I would not, and I'm fairly certain 98% of people would agree, enter any room with her nor think she was at all attractive. So instead of doing what normal people would have, he goes into the room with her and like 2 minutes later his head is detached from his body with his spinal cord dangling. Very smart and very logical writing script guy.

In conclusion: Despite my misgivings, this is actually a really fun movie. You just kind of have to forget about logic for an hour and a half. In fact, the best thing to do is not think at all while watching this movie. Just enjoy it for what it is. A silly zombie movie. The acting is passable but not great, there's some gratuitous nudity, lots of zombie on person violence, decent zombie makeup that ranges from really awesome to really weird looking, and a plot you kind of just have to forget about. Overall I would recommend it. I'm just warning you that what you're watching isn't exactly Shakespeare.

Grade: 81%

Really, what the fuck is this?