Tuesday, November 24, 2009

An Appeal to Reason: AKA I Hate Everything Twilight Related

It has been an awfully long time since I last posted something on here. I was going to put this on my other blog but since this bit of angry literature is somewhat horror related, I'll put it on here instead. I have said this countless times and I will continue to say it. Twilight is the worst thing to happen to pop culture since boy bands. And save your defense of the garbage because I am not listening. There IS no defense. I should state however that I have never read the books, nor have I subjected myself to the films. I do not have any intention to change either of these situations. I thought when I first heard about the series, and that it was geared for teenagers, that if I ignored it completely it would go away and I would never need to see anything about it. Kind of like I did with Eminem. And boy bands. And MTV in general. In fact, I pride myself on being blissfully ignorant of current pop culture. I have never seen an episode of American Idol. I did not know who Taylor Swift was until a month ago. So in most respects my campaign to ignore everything 16 year old girls like almost worked. Except for Twilight. I can not fucking ignore this shit if I tried. If I walk into any mall, or high school (where I work) it is everywhere. Like the swine flu.

Now why do I bring this up? Last week the new movie opened. Every pre and post-pubescent female in America lined up to see it. Some at midnight. Because of this, I have seen countless commercials and all other types of movie tie-in nonsense bullshit related to it. I can't escape it. I do not understand the appeal. At all. In fact, the new movie seems to rip off another shit franchise. Underworld. I see mopey vampire and werewolf teenagers fighting. Wearing Abercrombie. I see silly girls (of all ages) lusting after said mopey people monsters. These same girls (of about my age) love to try and defend the franchise (or saga. Really? You're calling this shit a saga?). Stop it. I do not fucking care about the supposed merits of the series. To me it looks terrible and I want nothing to do with it.

Listen ladies, I have some unfortunate news for you. I know you love this crap but it's all fairy tale bullshit. Now supposedly the premise is a girl falls in love with a vampire who is the perfect guy every woman wants. Listen up ladies, I am going to only say this once so pay attention. We males are not perfect. None of us can feasibly stop a car from hitting you, or whatever else the mopey bastard does in the movie. If we did step in front of a car, we would die and most likely so would you. Also, if a vampire attacks you, you're fucked. Sorry. Same goes for werewolves. Mopey or not, if either were real they would rip your head off and then pee on you after. I can not stop either one of these monsters from killing you so I will run instead. Sorry. Also, I am sorry but most mythic monsters are usually very old. Why the hell would either go to high school anyway? You can do anything you want, anything at all (at least at night which is another thing. Vampires can't survive at daytime. School is held in every country in the world during daylight hours. What the fuck?), yet you decide to go to fucking high school. Basically we are not supermen. We can't do these things and no one can. If I could do all these things I would (but most likely since I'd be a vampire, I'll just kill you.) but I can't so fucking deal with it or date other ladies. In other words, Twilight is completely devoid of any kind of logic that most stories thrive on to make it work. Even Star Wars is based in some kind of logic. Yes Luke Skywalker can move shit with his powers but he CAN die. Just like normal people.

Now on to the creators. The creator of this travesty is a woman by the name of Stephanie Meyer. She was a bored Mormon housewife that clearly has fucked up fantasies about old horror movie monsters. One could only guess at what she does while watching Dracula with Bela Lugosi. This same bored housewife turned what seems to be a third grade creative writing story into billions of dollars she can donate to the Church of Latter Day Saints or BYU or Mitt Romney or whatever. No I don't hate her because shes Mormon. I hate her because shes a no talent hack that may have caused irreparable damage to literature. If want to read something shitty I'll buy a Times Herald Record. I have written stories in elementary school (about vampires I might add) that had more literary value than anything Stephanie Meyer will ever write.

And then we have the films. I don't blame Hollywood really though. I mean I do but it's not their fault. They are just cashing in on a new idea in an old market. I blame our culture. Here's my appeal to you all. Enough with the Twilight. There are far better films and books you can be enjoying with your free time. If you want I'll even name them. In this economy, don't you think you can do better things with your money? We have to have a shit filter when it comes to our entertainment. What does that mean? We have to not be blind consumers and like something because others do. We have to say no to shitty things in our culture. Every one's allowed to have guilty pleasures but pick them wisely. If you want to read crappy books, fine. If you want to waste your money on shit movies, good for you. I wish I had money to waste. Just don't cry when the fad ends and you realize how stupid it really was. Just say no to Twilight.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Monthly constitutional

So I've decided that every month I'm going to highlight a movie that I think changed the game forever in horror movies. On the B side of that, I will also highlight a movie that I think made everything worse. This will be called the "Monthly Constitutional". Both movies every month are going to be influential and well known. Also, you are not always going to agree with me. You may think I'm a blithering idiot (if you don't already) but that's what comments are for.


Halloween- The story goes that John Carpenter was told to make a teen exploitation movie. For no money. No script. No stars (at that time). And yet, there is no better slasher movie in existence than Halloween. I'm serious. Some may be bloodier, with more studio gloss and a complicated plot, but none are nearly as effective. Why was this movie the game changer? It inspired every single slasher movie made for the next 30 years. In fact, it practically invented the subgenre. An entire decade's (plus) worth of horror films, for better or worse, owe John Carpenter millions of dollars in back royalties. Not to mention all the shitty sequels and remakes that would besmerch Halloween's good name in the years to follow. I will now take this opportunity to fart in Rob Zombie's general direction once again. Everything that was wonderful and right about John Carpenter's masterpiece was utterly destroyed by Rob Zombie's gigantic piece of shit. All of the subtlety, the atmosphere, and the suspense of the original was obviously lost on Rob Zombie. Whoever decided to give him money to remake a classic should be drawn and quartered. The fact that he is re-making "The Blob" makes want to shove my head in a blender with a hammer. Wait, no. Why should I die he's the one who sucks? Anyway, Halloween is an undisputed classic. Respect.


Scream - So it's the mid-nineties. Horror is at an all-time low point. The major studios are simply not making any movies worth shit and there was a definite need for something new. Along comes Scream and everything changed for the absolute worst. I hate Scream. It was meant to be a tongue in cheek slasher that was painfully self-aware that it was a slasher. It was a big budget mockery of everything I love about slasher movies. However, it made a ton of money. Of course Hollywood predictably rides the new wave and tried to duplicate the success no matter what. Never underestimate the power of money. The major studios then began to pour out these big(for horror movies anyway) budget slashers with casts full of actors from shitty TV shows. This terrible trend continues to this day. The difference now is instead of shitty TV actors we have Abercrombie kids running around in PG-13 land. What makes matters worse is that this travesty was directed by Wes Craven. A guy who should know better. His decisions continue to baffle me to this day. Thank you Scream. You ruined everything.