Sunday, March 14, 2010

Stupid movie review: The Mangler

Director: Tobe Hooper. He made one good movie. Maybe two if we're being kind.

Actors of any importance: Robert Englund (yeah Freddy Krueger himself), the guy who played Buffalo Bill

Plot (nearest I can tell): A young girl who works in an industrial laundry factory cuts herself trying to operate this huge machine. Right after this, two idiots carrying what they say is an icebox nearly drop the fucker on this poor girl, and there's huge sparks and lightning and every one's crying blah blah blah. After this the machine decides to eat an elderly lady as she operates it. Apparently the machine is an automatic folding apparatus as it eats the woman and then folds her like a huge sheet. Then a detective guy played by Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs begins to investigate what happened. He encounters the factory owner played by Freddy Krueger who is made up to look like an old half crippled Southern plantation owner from the 1860's. His first instinct is to have the machine shut down but those who run the town rule the death as accidental and business at the factory resumes as normal. This is when I lost track of what the fuck was going on. We then meet the detective's hippy friend who has a strange working knowledge of stupid shit and eats organic food. We also keep seeing a weird old photographer who uses a camera from like 1923 or some shit. Accidents keep happening at the factory, and nobody gives a shit but the detective. Then as he's investigating he finds the icebox and it has apparently killed a child. The detective goes on a poorly acted temper tantrum smacking the icebox with a weapon I can't remember at it releases a strange power thing complete with lightning. He now of course thinks supernatural shit is at work so him and his hippy friend keep investigating. They find out that the machine is possessed by some demon and they now have to stop it. Robert Englund of course wants to stop them because it now turns out that he and the powerful rich people in town made a deal with Satan to become rich and powerful. The only requirement is that they must make human sacrifices to the machine, called the mangler. What...the...fuck.

Gore: In this one we have all kinds of machine on human death. We have an arm hacked off, fingers severed, the hippy guy gets gutted, we have innards folded like linens, and burn victims.

What the fuck moment: This whole movie is a "what the fuck" moment. However if I can narrow it down a bit I will pick the icebox of death killing a small boy and the resulting reaction from the detective. He's smashing the shit out of this thing and every one's just watching him, and then lightning flies out of it. Who writes this shit? Oh yeah, Stephen King wrote this shit.

What the fuck moment, part 2: Here's a spoiler. But you won't see it anyway. The detective and his hippy friend perform an exorcism on the mangler. Yes you read that right.

Robert Englund: Is the only reason this movie was even close to watchable. He was great as a slave driving evil crippled Colonel Sanders. This guy is B movie royalty.

Tobe Hooper: What happened to you?

Best line: When the detective and his stupid hippy friend fail at their exorcism and the machine suddenly turns into a dinosaur (another what the fuck moment) the hippy says, "I think we're fucked".

In conclusion: This was a gigantic piece of shit, yet mildly entertaining in a weird way. I mean the plot is gibberish, the acting is atrocious on every imaginable level (except Robert Englund), and the premise is utter nonsense. Yet for some reason, I can't totally hate this movie. I never read the Stephen King story this crap pile was made from, but Tobe Hooper wrote the screenplay. I mean after Texas Chainsaw I guess the only place to go was down. And down he went. Like a cheap hooker in a pickup truck. I think the only decent movie he made after Chainsaw was The Funhouse, and that wasn't great trust me. Like I said though, there are some redeeming qualities to this movie. It's utter stupidity alone makes it entertaining on a strange level. Also, I have seen far worse in my years than this. Robert Englund alone carries this movie and he's in it maybe 40 minutes tops. The best is the cover of the DVD. They bold letter Tobe Hooper and Stephen King's name's to appeal to us silly horror fans. I bought it a long time ago because it was 5 bucks. Don't make the same mistake I did. Both director and author probably wish this piece of shit disappeared a long time ago. As bad as it is, IT'S STILL BETTER THAN AVATAR.


Respect the technique

Stupid Movie Review: Return of the Living Dead 3

Actors of note: The bad guy from Marked for Death, yeah that's about it

Plot: Some stupid whiny kid (today he would be called emo) and his whore girlfriend sneak into a secret government lab where the kid's dad works. They watch as an experiment goes horrendously wrong and a zombie pretty much eats three people. The kid's father is the one running the experiment, and as a result of it getting completely fucked up gets transferred by his military superiors. The kid and his slut sneak back out of the lab and bump uglies until his dad gets home to tell him they gotta move. The kid has a whiny tantrum and tells his dad he's not going with him, then he and the whore leave on the kid's motorcycle. Of course they have a terrible accident, and the whore gets killed. The kid now has a bright idea to bring her back with the Trioxin, the chemical stuff that turns people into zombies. After this, the kid and his undead whore go on the run from the military, the cops, and later on a bunch of Latin gangstas. Zombie mayhem then commences.

Gore: Yeah we got plenty of the gooey stuff. We have brain eating, general people eating, gross out gunshot wounds, drills to the head, the completely impossible tearing of a head with the spinal cord still attached, and the really unnecessary undead whore piercing herself with all manner of sharp objects

Logic Alert: Why the hell would you want your girlfriend to be a zombie? Did this kid not just see what she will eventually turn into? And also, not to be vulgar but I think in this case I have to be, did this whiny toad even stop to think for one second that if his little fix worked, and she didn't turn into undead hellslut that he would essentially be boning a dead girl? I mean come on now.

I was slightly uncomfortable with: The lovely Latin American stereotype gangstas. I mean this was just a bit racist. That and the Asian convenience store owner who eventually has his brain eaten.

Bad Acting award: Goes to the bad guy from Marked for Death who played The Riverman. He was a crazy homeless guy who lives in a sewer, yeah I get it. But did he have to talk so much?

Don't ever trust: The government. Apparently they make zombies.

What the fuck? moment: When the undead superwhore starts poking herself with every sharp object in the sewer and sort of becomes the zombie terminatrix. What the hell was this? And also who thought that would be a good idea in a movie? Someone watching would be completely justified if they turned the movie off right here, despite being about 80% done with the film. This scene, while thus setting up some great zombie carnage, completely takes me out of the movie. I can stretch my imagination only so far and then I have to say "No that's dumb". A super undead zombie weapon whore is really just that, a dumb idea.

Logic Alert, part 2: After the sequence mentioned above, when the Latin Gangstas are roughing up whiny kid and his homeless sewer dwelling friend, the zombie predator bitch walks in (all decked out in her new sharp object suit of armor and causing me to laugh at how dumb this is). The head gangsta thinks shes hot and walks into a room with her. He thinks her piercing herself with sharp things is a kinky sex act and that she'll bone him if he walks into the other room with her. Meanwhile, his other gangsta buddy is dying from a zombie bite on the floor. Now if I ever saw some slut with broken glass and nails sticking out of all of her various body parts, I'd fucking run like hell or at least ask this person what the hell her deal was. I would not, and I'm fairly certain 98% of people would agree, enter any room with her nor think she was at all attractive. So instead of doing what normal people would have, he goes into the room with her and like 2 minutes later his head is detached from his body with his spinal cord dangling. Very smart and very logical writing script guy.

In conclusion: Despite my misgivings, this is actually a really fun movie. You just kind of have to forget about logic for an hour and a half. In fact, the best thing to do is not think at all while watching this movie. Just enjoy it for what it is. A silly zombie movie. The acting is passable but not great, there's some gratuitous nudity, lots of zombie on person violence, decent zombie makeup that ranges from really awesome to really weird looking, and a plot you kind of just have to forget about. Overall I would recommend it. I'm just warning you that what you're watching isn't exactly Shakespeare.

Grade: 81%

Really, what the fuck is this?

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Stupid Corey Haim Tribute Movie Review: Silver Bullet

Actors of note: Corey Haim (RIP), Gary Fucking Busey, The bad guy from Under Siege 2

Plot: A bunch of people in a small town get eaten and torn apart by some unknown person or thing. Corey Haim plays a crippled kid in a wheelchair who accidentally stumbles upon the culprit, who happens to be a werewolf. He shoots a firework into the beast's eye and after a brief investigation finds out that the werewolf is actually the town priest. The WerePriest harasses and attacks crippled Corey, who is having a hard time convincing his uncle (Gary FUCKING Busey) that this upstanding clergyman is trying to kill him. After Corey Haim finally convinces Mr. Busey of the truth, he has a silver bullet made and they prepare to confront the WerePriest.

Based on a Stephen King story.

Gore: We have pretty decent WerePriest on human violence. Decapitations, a brutal shredding of a pregnant lady, death by baseball bat bludgeoning, fireworks to the eyes, shootings, a guy's face gets ripped in half, and a wood plank impaling.

Boobs?: No. But who cares.

Werewolf effects rating: Being as any decent werewolf movie absolutely has to have a really cool transformation scene I feel that I must make a special comment here. The transformation scenes are decent, but not spectacular. Also, the WerePriest in his final state looks kind of like a small bear. It is definitely apparent it's just some guy in a suit. However, when Corey kills the fucker the transformation back to human is very cool. Two films take the werewolf prize and raised the bar as far as werewolf effects are concerned, The Howling and American Werewolf in London. This is passable though, and much better than the CGI shit we are subjected to now. I mean see the new Wolf Man if you need proof. Or that Underworld shit. Therefore the werewolf effects rating is a very acceptable 88%.

How awesome is Gary Busey?: Silly question. The best actor of his generation.

Bad Acting occurrence: The scene in the bar where the ill tempered gun shop owner and the fat deputy cop have an argument that leads them to square off like they're about to fight. Right before they're interrupted by a victim's distraught dad, they look like two 1920's style boxers. No one fights like that. Ever. Unless it was the 1920's or all the fist fights in Gangs of New York.

Nonsensical occurrence: Gary Busey's amazing ability to fashion a functional motorcycle out of a wheelchair and somehow this is completely legal. Also it seems that Corey Haim's parents in the movie think it's completely safe for him to have a wheelchair that can go faster than most Corvettes.

Case of poor logic: Why, if you know you are about to fight a werewolf or other supernatural beast, would you not be better prepared and make more bullets? What would have happened if the kid missed? Or he couldn't fish the silver bullet out of the grate? They would all be fucked wouldn't they. Gary Busey was busy getting smacked around by the WerePriest so its not like he was much help. You pretty much are risking your life on the assumption that you or someone else in the house will be able to kill a werewolf with one shot. Logic would therefore necessitate making more bullets.

In conclusion: This is a really good werewolf movie. For some reason, that is really hard to do. Especially these days in the CGI era. From the very first Wolf Man movie with Lon Chaney, the entire reason anyone sees a werewolf movie is to see a person turn into a wolf. That's it. Therefore, it is absolutely imperative that the werewolf effects not only be good, but done with practical effects and not CGI. Luckily, this movie was made before the present time so we don't have this issue. The acting is really good, and believable to a point. Stephen King wrote the screenplay so you should expect a decent plot. The death scenes are cool, Gary Busey is cool, the bad guy from Under Siege 2 is a good WerePriest, and I feel this is a fitting tribute to the recently departed Corey Haim. Plus I'd rather watch this then The Lost Boys.

Grade: 90%

RIP dude.

Stupid Movie Review: Virus

Actors of note: Jamie Lee Curtis, Donald Sutherland, a Baldwin, and a bunch of other guys you swear you've seen in like 900 movies but don't know who they are.

Plot: The crew of a cargo tugboat stumble upon a huge Russian ship in the middle of the ocean that seems to be abandoned by its crew. They get on board, hoping to salvage the ship and get a shit ton of money for it. They soon find out that some sort of alien presence is also on board causing the machines on the ship to kill every last human around and turn them into gross cyborg zombies. Jamie Lee and some of the smarter crew members then pretty much have to do everything they can to get off the ship before the cyborg things fuck them all up.

Dumbest line: "If you get me killed I'm gonna kick your ass". Who writes this shit?

Gorey stuff: We got all sorts of human body parts grafted onto machines, a robot punches through a guy's stomach and his guts fall out, we have nail gun violence, rocket violence, brains ripped out, Jamie Lee getting beat up like its 1978 and she's a babysitter, the list goes on...

Boobs: No. Jamie Lee kept them in her shirt and the only other chick in the movie was too busy running and screaming and shooting.

Nonsensical occurrence: When the Pacific Islander tough guy pulls out a piece of wood from his leg after the evil robot computer drops an anchor through the tugboat, Jamie Lee stitches him up but this apparently has no effect on his running ability.

Nonsensical occurrence, part 2: When Jamie Lee and a Baldwin escape they use this catapult like device built by another crew member. As they launch themselves off the boat, the apparatus is apparently attached to a makeshift bomb rocket thing that is detonated after they launch, saving their lives and sinking the ship just as they were about to be mauled by the huge robot death machine. Utter nonsense.

Alien ripoff?: Of course.

In conclusion: Despite the fact that I am making fun of the utter silliness of the movie, it is a lot of fun. Jamie Lee screams and shoots her ass off trying to kill these metallic beasts. Donald Sutherland always plays a great scumbag. The Baldwin was tolerable (although I think he should have been viciously mauled by a metal death beast). The supporting cast was decent in their roles, you know being viciously killed and turned into skin grafted cyborg meat. The best thing about the movie is probably the creature effects. You have to love the meat laboratory where the machines are making their human machine slaves. There's gore all over the place, and the beasts are great when they attack people. However, all this good stuff does not make this a great movie by any stretch of the imagination. The plot is hole city. We never get any answers as to what this thing is or why it's come to Earth. Just that it thinks people are a virus and that we need to all be killed. Whatever. Basically who gives a shit, it's an Alien ripoff where humans get killed one by one slasher style in the most disgusting ways possible.

Grade: 72%
sucks to be this guy...

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Stupid new review system

Like I said, I am relaunching this shit here. Therefore, I am changing how some of the stuff on here is done. I read one of my old reviews, and it sucked. To subtract from the suck factor, I am going to do each movie review the same way I do the show reports on the other blog (for those of you familiar with that other piece of shit I write). There will be spoilers all over all of these so if you are one of those people who don't want to be told the twist in a non-existent plot, don't read them. Otherwise, if you like it when I make fun of stuff then by all means read. And comment. Enjoy.


Director: Jess Franco (like you know who that is or give a shit)

Plot (I think anyway.): The movie starts with terrible 80's music. After a lengthy introduction and opening credit sequence we see a well dressed guy with two ladies on each arm walking in a parking complex. Suddenly, a car pulls up and some pissy scarred lady throws acid at the group, hitting one of the girls in the face. This girl turns out to be the well dressed guy's sister, and the well dressed guy is revealed to be a famous plastic surgeon. The movie then is about a plastic surgeon and his hot, but murderous assistant (girl who didn't have her face melt off) who kidnap whores so they can replace the other girl's face. Some really weird sexual stuff occurs, followed by the doctor and assistant hiring an old Nazi surgeon to help them replace the other girl's face. Meanwhile, one of the girls the gruesome crew kidnap is a model with a rich daddy who hires a detective to look for her. Basically, I had no real idea what the fuck was going on with this movie.

Gore stuff: We got face melts, scissors to the throat, lobotomy by drill, chainsaw decapitation, head to hook death, disgusting botched facial reconstruction, disgusting successful facial reconstruction, and a hypodermic needle to an eyeball.

This would be the reason to spend the 7 bucks I did for the movie.

Sexy stuff: Um, yeah but it was pretty strange and unnecessarily graphic. Also it really just made me think French people have a lot of syphilis.

Actors of note: The bald guy from The Dirty Dozen.

Scary?: No.

Stupid?: Yes, but the gory stuff kept it fun at least.

Grade: 65%. This was a weird European trash movie. However, I didn't buy it for plot. I heard it was gross so I wanted to see how gross and for 7 bucks it was worth a look. The plot reminded me of Italian Giallo stuff (mystery for those of you who aren't horror nerds) except really crappily done. The gore effects were cool and the Nazi doc was especially creepy. Yet there was no real climax of the movie, it just kinda ended. I wouldn't really recommend it unless you happen to be watching it with me, and then after you're allowed to yell at me for making you watch this piece of shit.

The re-launch

Okay, I have completely neglected this blog in favor of the other one. Looking around the internet, it has become abundantly clear that there is a lack of decent horror related sites and the ones that are around have slacked off terribly. Being that my interest in horror has once again been aroused I will re-launch this blog with a new name and some new bells and whistles.
You have been warned.