Wednesday, July 6, 2011

"Hobo with a Shotgun" Running commentary:

Well as the previews are rolling, I'll take the time now to introduce my Hobo with a Shotgun running commentary. It's been a while since this was done here on these fine pages, and I decided that since the last one was Human Centipede, this one would have to be equally ridiculous in concept. Enjoy:

8:22- Popped in movie.
8:23- Rutger Hauer. Still awesome. Especially when shown playing harmonica on a train all Depression style.
8:24- This city looks shitty. Like Newburgh shitty.
8:25- A bum fight? Yeah. A bum fight.
8:28- Barb wire noose, man stuck in a manhole with his head sticking out. Everyone sounds Canadian.
8:30- Well...That seemed gratuitous.
8:32- Rutger shows us the world of the homeless guy. I now know how the guy by Gully's makes his living.
8:34- Just yelled "Oh shit" because a bunch of assholes just crushed a man's head with bumper cars. It appears these people don't like the homeless.
8:36- "The only thing I'm gonna let my dick in your pussy" Wow. I smell an Oscar.
8:38- Man who said above statement actually picks up the little slut he was talking to. And she says "Are we gonna fuck or what?"
8:39- Rutger is now pissed. "Shut your filthy mouth, Mother Theresa is a saint". Rutger dialogue. I'm not sure of the context here.
8:41- Rutger doesn't have a shotgun yet.
8:42- Cops work with the bad guys. Rutger just got stabbed brutally. Apparently not enough to kill him however.
8:44- So the lady from before is a hooker. Weird.
8:46- Hooker with a heart of fucking gold I'd say. Rutger's chest now says "Scum" on it.
8:48- "Well, I fuck for a living" Hahahahaha!
8:50- Our lady of the night has taken Rutger in. What a nice whore she is.
8:52- Still no shotgun.
8:53- Was that Santa Claus kidnapping a child?
8:54- Rutger is now chewing glass. For twenty bucks. What the hell is happening in this movie?
8:55- Bunch of robbers are threatening to kill a baby. Rutger is there. And now we have a shotgun.
8:56- "I'm going to sleep in your bloody carcasses tonight!" Also Rutger just Charles Bronson'd the shit out of the robbers.
8:57- Bum fights guy. Dead.
8:58- I now love this movie.
9:01- Rutger just killed pedophile Santa. And everyone else in the town. The Punisher ain't shit.
9:04- I'm not sure what happened there but some dude lost his organs and the bad guys just sorta laughed about it. This movie has no plot.
9:05- I think the bad guys are now torching a school bus full of kids. While "Disco Inferno" plays in the background. The crime boss in this movie is a fucked up dude. So is the director.
9:06- The cops are now going to kill homeless people. In creative and disgusting ways. Canadians are fucked up people.
9:07- Our whore with a heart of gold is running away from a cop with really bad sexually explicit dialogue.
9:08- Rutger is fucking Superman. The whore is Lois Lane.
9:10- Rutger really wants to buy a lawnmower.
9:12- One of the bad guys is kicking Rutger with hockey skates on. Brutal.
9:14- One of these fuckers looks a lot like Shia Labeouf or however you spell that turd's name.
9:15- Shia is sawing off the hooker's head. Rutger just burned a guy with a toaster. This director is just full of good ideas.
9:17- Rutger just ruined Shia's weekend. I don't think you can fix that. I now hurt in strange places.
9:18- So...a bunch of dudes are now wearing armor and gearing up for war, presumably with Rutger. They look like Mad Max characters.
9:20- Rutger saved the hooker's life somehow. Freebie?
9:23- The Mad Max killers are kind of brutal. They're like Nazi samurai. They are also killing the whole hospital.
9:26- I can't really describe what's happening but...I'm impressed.
9:28- Nazi Samurai Mad Max Death Squad just kidnapped Rutger. That won't end well.
9:30- Normal well-adjusted people don't make movies like this. Normal well-adjusted people don't give people money to make movies like this.
9:30, part 2: Our superhero hooker is now preparing to bust Rutger outta the pokey.
9:32- Ok. The Mad Max death guys are called The Plague.
9:34- This really reminds me of like an unrated version of "Escape from New York" if John Carpenter was completely bat shit crazy. Also, I think this movie would've been great with Gary Busey in it.
9:36- The hooker is rescuing Rutger with a lawnmower. Dead Alive style.
9:37- That was brutal.
9:38- This lady is having a shitty day.
9:39- I don't understand.
9:41- .....
9:44: Ok. Every one's dead. Spoiler alert.

In conclusion: I sit here now wondering if I liked it, loved it, or had no idea what the fuck just happened. I mean I knew what I was getting walking in, but I didn't think they would take it where they did. Now I should warn you, this is in no way a "good" movie by any normal definition of the term. Just like Machete, or Black Dynamite this is kind of a spoof of bad movies, not to be taken seriously. I is called Hobo with a Shotgun. Shakespeare this is not. Still, I had fun.

Grade: 88% (The sheer stupidity and the concept bump this movie up like 20 points)

Friday, July 1, 2011

Tribute: The Phantasm series


 I know I've been going super hard on the posts here lately. I got a lot of time on my hands what can I say. Anyway, I wanted to take the time (and waste all of yours) on paying tribute to, in my mind, one of the most underrated series, if not the MOST underrated series of horror movies to ever be made. Everyone knows about Nightmare on Elm Street or Friday the 13th. Everyone also knows Child's Play (Chucky series assholes) and obviously Scream and Saw. But how many people have ever heard of, much less seen the Phantasm series? I can probably count that number of people I know at least on one hand. That's a fucking crying shame. This series has more ideas in 20 minutes of film then any of the series I mentioned above through 8 or 9 whole movies.

  Yeah, some people (assholes) won't get these movies. Some people will also say if they watch them the inevitable, "whoever made these movies was on a lot of drugs". Like no one can be fucking creative without copious amounts of mind altering substances. Yet, there is one thing you can not deny about all four of these movies. They are fucking completely original. I dare anyone to watch these movies and then tell me you've seen anything like them before. I will try not to mock you like the little liar you are.

So what makes them so great? Several things. In the interest of time and space restrictions I will briefly break these all down right now.

1. One of the BEST villains in horror movie history: The good guys in the Phantasm series are being terrorized by The Tall Man, played by Angus Scrimm. The Tall Man starts out in the original movie as what appears to be a creepy undertaker that the good guys suspect is up to some sinister shit at the funeral home. Turns out it's a shit load of a lot worse than that. My interpretation is that he is the ruler of another dimension and his mission is to kill the entire human race and enslave them to build his army of feral dwarves, and to trap their souls in his death orbs. More on that later. The Tall Man, like Pinhead from Hellraiser, is a completely developed, evil as fuck character. He's not some mindless brute like Jason or Michael Myers, nor is he some wise cracking jokester like Freddy Kruger. He's evil and he doesn't fuck around with catch phrases. He is just out to straight up murder the world. Not to be fucked with.

2. The premise itself: I sort of alluded to this above, but I will explain the basic idea behind the movies. Basically, these friends from a small town stumble upon the activities of the Tall Man whose mission is to kill every fucking human on Earth. When a person dies, The Tall Man steals their bodies, shrinks and disfigures them, steals their brains, and sets them loose on the next victim. He does this to build his army of the undead to rule time and space. How fucking awesome is that shit?!

3. The Death Orbs: When the Tall Man steals your brain, he traps it into these flying death balls (which kind of look like big Chinese Stress Balls). When these things come after you, they have all manner of sharp objects that slice and dice you. Their primary way to kill you, however, is a three pronged blade thingy (see picture below). When they stab you in the head, a tiny drill comes out of the orb and drills into your skull causing your brains and blood to shoot out. In the interest of better explaining this to the uninitiated, I have provided many pretty pictures.

4. The fact that you can't kill ANY of the Tall Man's zombie people: When the Tall Man takes a human slave, either to dig up graves or whatever, they are like super powerful and you can't fucking kill them no matter how hard you try. I mean they die eventually, but you pretty much have to light them on fire or blow their heads off.

5. The quad-barreled shotgun: Reggie, one of the good guys, builds himself a super shotgun with four barrels of death. He uses this throughout the whole series, and as a result murders dwarf and zombie fuckers on the regular.

6. The endings to each movie: I have written before on these fine pages in regards to the "Carrie" scare, which you may recall was the last scare of a horror movie, usually cheap and ineffective. Phantasm takes this idea, turns it around, and tells it to go fuck itself. For the entire duration of the series, just when there's 2 minutes of downtime, the Tall Man fucks shit up again. It never seems to stop. At the end, just when the good guys think they finally beat him, he comes back for one last attack, usually killing one of their new companions. In fact, every time our good guys meet someone new who isn't a servant of the Tall Man, it's almost like the guy on an old Star Trek episode wearing the red shirt. You just know the guy (or child, or woman) is going to die miserably.

In conclusion: There will be people out there who are going to say I'm retarded for writing this post. They will disagree and tell me I have taste up my ass. These people suck at life. Phantasm as a series is probably the most creative and original series in horror history. The entire series is like a low brow Dali painting. You're not sure what's going on, and it's pretty messy, but you know that it's fucking interesting. I wish that just once I will see another movie or series in my lifetime with this much originality. But no. I have already resigned myself to the fact that all I will see in the next 20 years is rehashed bullshit and remakes. So if Saw is your thing, don't bother with Phantasm. You want something a little different, Netflix has them all. It's a good use of your time.

Fuck that's gotta hurt.

Really Stupid Movie Review: Watchers

Director: I don't know and really no one gives a shit.

Actors: Corey Haim (RIP dude), a dog, and Michael Ironside.

Plot, at least my interpretation of one: The movie starts with a huge explosion in the woods somewhere in California I think. We then see a golden retriever running like hell through the woods. We also get the impression that something large and angry is chasing this poor puppy. There's a lot of roaring and such, and then we are taken to a somewhat random farmhouse somewhere nearby. A semi cute girl is walking through the farm area towards her horse stables when none other than Corey Haim scares her. And then they make out. Hardcore style. As things start getting uncomfortable for me to watch, the couple hears a roar and something breaking. The girl thinks immediately that it's her dad and she puts her shirt back on and tells Corey to get the fuck out of there. Corey obviously stricken with a large case of blue balls reluctantly does as hes told and leaves. The girl meets her dad by the stable (he's got a rifle) and as he's questioning his slutty daughter, the two are immediately attacked by the angry creature who was chasing the dog earlier. But we don't see the creature, nor what he does to dear old dad. What a fucking waste of a good kill scene. The girl somehow escapes certain mauling at the hands of the vicious creature. In fact I don't remember what happens to her during the attack but I know she was knocked out in a corner somewhere. Anyway, the cops come and it seems apparent to me that their are only two cops in this entire town. More on this later. Suddenly Michael Fucking Ironside (you may remember him from such fine work as Total Recall) arrives with a government badge and a bad ass attitude. He takes charge of the investigation and tells the cops to fuck off. He also goes in the ambulance with the girl. I should maybe have mentioned that Mr. Ironside was in the way beginning talking to some shadowy government figure who ordered him to "contain the problem". Sorry about that. So next we see Corey in all his curly mulleted glory driving a pickup truck, trying to avoid cops. We then notice that our pooch from before has stowed himself away on the truck bed. Corey finds him, all sorts of bullshit Disney animal talking ensues from there. It doesn't take Corey long to figure out that his new puppy is a super intelligent lab experiment. It also doesn't take him long to figure out that wherever they go, somebody gets mauled by the feral monster that's chasing the doggy. Yet we don't see any of the mauling. Fucking lame. Once Corey's house is attacked, Corey, Corey's mom, and the puppy go on the lam. They're running not only from the monster, but from Michael Ironside and his sidekick. Finally at this point of the movie, shit starts to get bloody as the bodies pile up. About fucking time. The government guys find the hotel Corey and his mom run to and somehow Corey escapes. Corey and the dog run to a cabin in the woods, and immediately Corey goes into monster killing preparations. By this point, Corey Haim is a fuckin pro at this shit. After his near death at the hands of the werewolf from Silver Bullet, and the emo vampires from Lost Boys, Corey isn't fuckin around anymore. He somehow buys a shit ton of guns and weaponry and prepares for war. The government gets there first, with Corey's mom and girl in tow as hostages. Corey then takes on these government pricks like a champ, and kills Michael Ironside with a knife to the neck and some gunshots. Then the monster shows up, and it's Corey vs. the monster in a fight to the death.

Gore: This movie should have been a monster violence extravaganza. But no. We get the director attempting to be all artsy and such by not showing the monster, or the monster killing anyone. What the fuck is that shit?! When I watch a creature movie I am there to see one thing and one thing only. I want creatures to maul people brutally. That's it. But no. This movie decided to have a lame creature with no monster on person violence (shown at least) until the very end of the movie. What a waste of fuckin time.

The town probably: should have had more than two cops. I mean to kill the monster Corey had to shoot the fucker like 80 times. The cops, when confronted with said creature peed themselves and one ended up dead. The other cop was then killed by Michael Ironside. Now you have no cops.

Boobs: No. None. In fact there were barely any females in the movie at all. No gore, no boobs.

Awards: Lamest creature ever award. Like it looked like a retarded sasquatch. The three seconds that you actually see the creature anyway.

Who writes this shit?: Dean Koontz. He wrote this shit. He's like a diet Stephen King only instead of zero calories he's got zero talent.

Corey Haim: Learned his lesson in this movie. I mean he seriously prepared himself well for the fight with the monster. So well he barely got a scratch. He may get the posthumous monster killer of the 80's award. RIP soldier.

Michael Ironside: is one of the best villains ever. In any movie. Even this giant piece of shit.

Pre-Columbine moment: The fact that Corey Haim could walk into a gun store and buy like a fuckin arsenal that would have made Saddam jealous with barely any questions asked. Also where the hell did a kid get the money to buy all that shit?

In conclusion: This is kind of a shitty movie. Like there isn't enough to make fun of but there isn't anything to recommend. It's a disney movie with monsters. That is somehow rated R with absolutely nothing to make it an R rated movie. There are better things you can do with 90 minutes of your time. Also Dean Koontz is a fuckin hack. The end.

Grade: 48%


Beware the scary monster.