Friday, July 1, 2011

Really Stupid Movie Review: Watchers

Director: I don't know and really no one gives a shit.

Actors: Corey Haim (RIP dude), a dog, and Michael Ironside.

Plot, at least my interpretation of one: The movie starts with a huge explosion in the woods somewhere in California I think. We then see a golden retriever running like hell through the woods. We also get the impression that something large and angry is chasing this poor puppy. There's a lot of roaring and such, and then we are taken to a somewhat random farmhouse somewhere nearby. A semi cute girl is walking through the farm area towards her horse stables when none other than Corey Haim scares her. And then they make out. Hardcore style. As things start getting uncomfortable for me to watch, the couple hears a roar and something breaking. The girl thinks immediately that it's her dad and she puts her shirt back on and tells Corey to get the fuck out of there. Corey obviously stricken with a large case of blue balls reluctantly does as hes told and leaves. The girl meets her dad by the stable (he's got a rifle) and as he's questioning his slutty daughter, the two are immediately attacked by the angry creature who was chasing the dog earlier. But we don't see the creature, nor what he does to dear old dad. What a fucking waste of a good kill scene. The girl somehow escapes certain mauling at the hands of the vicious creature. In fact I don't remember what happens to her during the attack but I know she was knocked out in a corner somewhere. Anyway, the cops come and it seems apparent to me that their are only two cops in this entire town. More on this later. Suddenly Michael Fucking Ironside (you may remember him from such fine work as Total Recall) arrives with a government badge and a bad ass attitude. He takes charge of the investigation and tells the cops to fuck off. He also goes in the ambulance with the girl. I should maybe have mentioned that Mr. Ironside was in the way beginning talking to some shadowy government figure who ordered him to "contain the problem". Sorry about that. So next we see Corey in all his curly mulleted glory driving a pickup truck, trying to avoid cops. We then notice that our pooch from before has stowed himself away on the truck bed. Corey finds him, all sorts of bullshit Disney animal talking ensues from there. It doesn't take Corey long to figure out that his new puppy is a super intelligent lab experiment. It also doesn't take him long to figure out that wherever they go, somebody gets mauled by the feral monster that's chasing the doggy. Yet we don't see any of the mauling. Fucking lame. Once Corey's house is attacked, Corey, Corey's mom, and the puppy go on the lam. They're running not only from the monster, but from Michael Ironside and his sidekick. Finally at this point of the movie, shit starts to get bloody as the bodies pile up. About fucking time. The government guys find the hotel Corey and his mom run to and somehow Corey escapes. Corey and the dog run to a cabin in the woods, and immediately Corey goes into monster killing preparations. By this point, Corey Haim is a fuckin pro at this shit. After his near death at the hands of the werewolf from Silver Bullet, and the emo vampires from Lost Boys, Corey isn't fuckin around anymore. He somehow buys a shit ton of guns and weaponry and prepares for war. The government gets there first, with Corey's mom and girl in tow as hostages. Corey then takes on these government pricks like a champ, and kills Michael Ironside with a knife to the neck and some gunshots. Then the monster shows up, and it's Corey vs. the monster in a fight to the death.

Gore: This movie should have been a monster violence extravaganza. But no. We get the director attempting to be all artsy and such by not showing the monster, or the monster killing anyone. What the fuck is that shit?! When I watch a creature movie I am there to see one thing and one thing only. I want creatures to maul people brutally. That's it. But no. This movie decided to have a lame creature with no monster on person violence (shown at least) until the very end of the movie. What a waste of fuckin time.

The town probably: should have had more than two cops. I mean to kill the monster Corey had to shoot the fucker like 80 times. The cops, when confronted with said creature peed themselves and one ended up dead. The other cop was then killed by Michael Ironside. Now you have no cops.

Boobs: No. None. In fact there were barely any females in the movie at all. No gore, no boobs.

Awards: Lamest creature ever award. Like it looked like a retarded sasquatch. The three seconds that you actually see the creature anyway.

Who writes this shit?: Dean Koontz. He wrote this shit. He's like a diet Stephen King only instead of zero calories he's got zero talent.

Corey Haim: Learned his lesson in this movie. I mean he seriously prepared himself well for the fight with the monster. So well he barely got a scratch. He may get the posthumous monster killer of the 80's award. RIP soldier.

Michael Ironside: is one of the best villains ever. In any movie. Even this giant piece of shit.

Pre-Columbine moment: The fact that Corey Haim could walk into a gun store and buy like a fuckin arsenal that would have made Saddam jealous with barely any questions asked. Also where the hell did a kid get the money to buy all that shit?

In conclusion: This is kind of a shitty movie. Like there isn't enough to make fun of but there isn't anything to recommend. It's a disney movie with monsters. That is somehow rated R with absolutely nothing to make it an R rated movie. There are better things you can do with 90 minutes of your time. Also Dean Koontz is a fuckin hack. The end.

Grade: 48%


Beware the scary monster.

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