Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Stupid Movie Review: Prince of Darkness

Director: John Carpenter

Actors that matter: Donald Pleasance, A bunch of guys from Big Trouble in Little China, and...Alice Cooper?

Plot: The movie opens with a priest on his deathbed. On his stomach there is a little treasure box thing. I think he mutters something, and then he croaks. We then see Donald Pleasance and a bunch of other priests looking nervous and constipated. Inside the chest holds a key to an old church. Inside the church basement there is this giant cylinder full of swirling Ecto-Cooler. Donald Pleasance looks more constipated. We then cut to what looks like a university, and we then meet the rest of our main characters. Basically a bunch of grad student types and their professor. Our main hero is some dude with a moustache who creepily looks at the hot chick in his class. Only she's not that hot. They end up knocking boots. Good job moustache guy. A little bit later the professor (one of the old Chinese guys from Big Trouble in Little China) and Donald Pleasance the priest go to the church to look at the Ecto-Cooler tube. They decide this shit is sinister, and the professor says he wants to run tests on the green crap. Suddenly, all the people in the professor's class are told to cancel their plans and go with the professor to the church, presumably to run tests on the green shit in the tube. All the grad students get there, and immediately begin running tests. Meanwhile, an army of creepy homeless people led by Alice Cooper wait motionless outside the church. Some of them are covered in cockroaches. Cool. As the kids run the tests, they soon realize there is some weird shit going on and the priest then tells them all that this liquid shit is the essence of Satan, who is trying to bring his dad, the Anti-God, to Earth. The grad students aren't sure they believe this shit, but then the green goo starts to come alive and squirts itself into some poor woman's mouth. Probably not the first time she's been surprised like that. Anyway, if the green stuff gets on you, you turn into a satan zombie. Satan zombies can also squirt the green shit on people. Suddenly, the grad students start dying off, and then it becomes readily apparent that the satan zombies are really trying to bring this Anti-God dude to Earth. One woman gets the whole contents of the cylinder inside her, and she turns into a melting hell bitch with superpowers. Basically, everyone in the church is fucked. The homeless people outside stab anyone who gets away, so everyone left alive is trapped. The satan zombies attack, and the hell bitch tries to bring the Anti-God guy to Earth through a mirror. Some fighting happens, a slit throat, some death, axe dismemberment, and finally our mustachioed hero's love interest sacrifices her life to save everyone else.

Gore: We don't have a ton of gore in this one, but what we do have is pretty cool. There's limb dismemberment, one multiple stabbing, one of the dead grad students returning to life to deliver a creepy message only to completely fall apart, bloating, neck snapping, face melting (kind of), and impalement by bicycle.

What I learned from this movie: Priests are completely worthless when real deal evil shit comes to Earth. Also, when the evil goes away they like to take credit when they did nothing to stop it.

Creepy shit: The recurring dream sequence that every character has where the camera (looks like something from Paranormal Activity) pans around the church to reveal a shadowy cloaked dude in the doorway. All while weird transmission like sounds play in the background.

Never trust: Alice Cooper. He will impale your ass on a bicycle.

Graduate Science students should: Say "no" when their eccentric professor wants them to run tests on shit without telling them why. Also they should leave when they see an army of creepy homeless people gathered outside of the building they're in.

Boobs?: None. Not that kind of movie.

Best Lines: "YOU WILL NOT BE SAVED" and "I have a message for you. You're not gonna like it. Pray for dead"

Donald Pleasance: Should have thrown the fucking axe before the girl jumped through the mirror. Asshole.

In conclusion: I hadn't seen this movie for a long time before popping it in last night. I forgot how cool it is. A lot of people give this movie shit as well as John Carpenter but they can all eat it. I really hate it when people who think they know something berate a director for making a movie that isn't exactly like their previous classic. Prince of Darkness is not Halloween. Nor is it The Thing. No shit. That's no reason to shit on this movie. It more than stands on its own merits and is actually pretty creepy. John Carpenter movies all have one thing in common. The good guys never truly "win". Even in Halloween, Michael Myers gets shot 6 times and the bastard still gets up. Another example? James Woods killed Valek in Vampires, but his partner was turned into one in the process. More? Kurt Russel kills The Thing, but no one's coming to rescue him. There is always that sense that everyone in the film is totally fucked no matter what happens. This movie is no exception. It ends with the same sense of dread that it built up since the opening scene. Basically, the good guys win the battle, but never the war. The acting is halfway decent and the movie has some creepy moments for once. A seriously underrated movie.

Grade: 89%

                  Satan found her on E-Harmony.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Stupid Movie Review: The Prowler

Director: Joseph Zito. He would later do "Friday the 13th part 4". AKA the best Jason movie ever.

Stars: A bunch of college (sorta) age kids who deserved to be killed. A crippled guy, and a stupid cop.

Plot: Another quality 80's slasher. This one opens up at the end of WWII. We see newsreel footage of the troops coming home and happily celebrating not dying or being crippled. Then we cut to a shot of a letter that turns out to be a "Fuck off soldier guy! I'm doing somebody else because I'm a whore and couldn't wait for your dumb ass to come back before opening my legs again" letter. Bummer. The next shot takes us to what looks like a big ball room dance for graduation '46 or whatever. We then see a couple who decide to blow the party and go make out in a secluded spot. I'm going to guess that this is the aforementioned whore from the letter and her new boyfriend. They end up at a gazebo and start preparing for entry. We keep cutting back to the dance where everyone's happy and having fun. Suddenly as the couple starts to get down, a dude dressed up like a soldier comes and pitchforks the shit out of the couple. I will make the leap and guess that this is the pissed off soldier boyfriend who seems to have taken his break-up very badly. Blood flies everywhere, and our movie is well under way. Fast forward to 1980, and a new graduation dance is being set up for the first time since our initial brutal slaying. We have a group of stupid as shit college kids, a worthless young cop, and a bunch of grizzled townspeople. We also have a sheriff to go along with the worthless cop who I guess is his deputy. That makes two cops for the entire town. That's right. Two fucking cops. Our sheriff decides to go on we have one cop. Yes, the conditions seem right for a multiple homicide. The dance begins, and our first victims get brutally skewered. It seems our psycho soldier is back, and pissed about the dance. He also seems to have not lost his touch despite being about 30 years older. A few scares and a few dead bodies later, our dumb as dogshit "final girl", along with worthless deputy cop guy, start digging for answers to find the killer. He kills more people in a variety of creative ways, and eventually our retarded couple find out who he is. This leads to a cool climax and awesome final showstopping gore scene. It also leads to a cheap "Carrie" scare at the end of the movie. More on this later.

Gore: Yeah, we have a lot of the goo in this one. A bayonet through the skull, several pitchfork kabobs, throat stabbings, throat slashings, exploding heads, and the list goes on. Another Tom Savini gore effects masterpiece.

Who is Tom Savini?: It has come to my attention that perhaps you fine people don't know who the fuck I'm talking about. I'm going to rattle off a few movies. Maybe you heard of them. Dawn of the Dead (original not shitty remake), Friday the 13th 1 and 4, The Burning, Day of the Dead, etc. He did all of the gore effects for these fine films. Respect the technique.

Holy Shit moment: The exploding head death by shotgun. Holy...Shit.

I'm not sure: That when you get stabbed through the head by bayonet that your eyes roll all the way back. I mean I don't know and there's no way to find out, but that seems kind of odd to me.

Oh my God you stupid fucking bitch moment: Our first victims die in the dorm room of our main character, stupid as hell "final girl". Our idiot protagonist, about three seconds after the killings, spills punch on her dress and decides to go back to the dorm and change. She walks in, takes out another dress, and changes. She does not seem to notice the copious amounts of blood all over the fucking room. How the fuck can you NOT see the blood literally right in front of you?!?!? Like honestly YOU'RE THE FINAL GIRL? REALLY?!?!? Meanwhile, the killer is still in the room putting a flower on his victims in the shower where he placed them. You fucking idiot.

Irrational and ill-advised skinny dipping?: Yes.

Boobs?: Yes a nice pair in the shower. Unfortunately, their owner is quickly impaled by a pitchfork to the abdomen.

Why: was it necessary to have the stupid "Carrie" scare at the end of this? For those of you who don't know what I mean, a "Carrie" scare refers to the final scene in the movie "Carrie" where the director gave the audience that final 'jump'. In that case, it was the dream sequence where the girl goes to put a flower where Carrie White's house burned down, and a hand, presumably Carrie's, pops out of the ground to grab the girl. Another example is when the disfigured Jason pops out of the water at the end of Friday the 13th. You get the point. In this movie the "Carrie" scare is not only completely unnecessary, it's fucking stupid. The idiot "final girl" goes back to her dorm after killing off the bad guy, opens the shower and suddenly a hand pops out and grabs her. It belongs to the dude who got his skull stabbed way back in the beginning. The guy is fucking dead. Why would you do this? Luckily it was a dream sequence or something. Still, very stupid.

In conclusion: Despite my ranting above, this is a pretty good slasher movie. We have good kills, a lot of them I might add. We have a decent plot, some boobs, and a showstopper head explosion at the end. However, the acting is bad, the characters are stupid to the point where no one should have sympathy for them at all, and there are some serious leaps of logic in some of the scenes. Either way, this shit is on XBOX Netflix so give it a watch. It's worth the time.

Grade: 85%

That can't feel good.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Stupid Movie Review: The Burning

Director: I don't know, who cares?

Actors: George from Seinfeld (with hair no less), and plenty of people to kill off.

Plot: Alright so this is a slasher from the early 80's. You already know the plot. You want more information? Fine. Basically this is your standard stalk and slash about a dude who was the victim of a terribly stupid camp prank where he was burned alive. A few years ( I think) later, and he's out. The first thing he does is kill a hooker with floppy bologna boobs. She deserved it. She was gonna give everyone the HIV. Anyway, right after this we go to a camp full of kids and counselors. The burned pissed off guy begins to stalk everybody to get his revenge for being turned into half man, half dog poo. A lot of these people (victims) look familiar, like they had careers after this movie or something. Anyway, after a long while we get a few gory deaths, including the absolute showstopper on the rafts. There, done.

Gore: We have a lot of death by scissors, the aforementioned showstopper and a half on the rafts. Interestingly enough, a lot of the good kills were cut out by those rat bastards at the MPAA when this came out. In fact, I heard that up until the recent DVD (the one I bought) the whole raft scene was completely missing. The movie is almost not worth watching without it. I mean we have fingers cut off, throats slashed open, multiple stabbings, arterial spray, all in one sequence. Can't beat that. All hail Tom Savini, king of the gore.

Boobs: Yes.

Why: does every camp slasher movie have the "I can't find my clothes after skinny dipping" scene? And why do kids seem to want to skinny dip in a lake? Aren't there leeches and poop in there? That's a whole horror movie by itself.

Also: I think the "final girl (or in this case guy)" should die in these movies just like everyone else. What makes these people so fucking special? They are just as stupid as any other character in the movie. Just because they don't bump uglies or drink or smoke doesn't mean they get to live. Fuck that they should die even more horribly for being puritanical little fuckers. Like buzzsaw to the face death.

Best line: Camper: "So what are we supposed to be looking for anyway"
              George from Seinfeld: "Your mother"

Worst character: Glazer the super-bro. It's like a blonde haired "Situation" type dude. If this movie was made in 2010 instead of 1981 he'd be a Tapout shirt wearing, Blow-Out sporting  parasite. I'm glad he dies terribly.

In conclusion: This is a pretty decent 80's slasher. If you haven't seen it, try to rent it or something. It's worth the time. Especially for the death raft scene.

Grade: 83%

      That sucks dude.

Editorial: What we don't need or want

  I've been reading a lot on the internet lately. I've got a lot of time on my hands what can I say? Anyway, I've seen that there is a rumored Scream sequel on the way. They've even started casting it. I am less than thrilled to hear this. I also saw a trailer for a new M. Night Shammamamakanhdhfuebdbdfdejd movie. Again, not thrilled. I always see news about the latest great 80's horror movie being remade into a piece of shit. Again, not thrilled. Let's not even begin talking about the next Saw sequel. What is this, number 12? My question to filmmakers and the community at large is...Why? Why the fuck do we need this crap? The answer is, obviously, that we don't. There was a spoof of the slasher movie made in 1982 called Student Bodies. The advertising campaign, designed to be funny, started with the sentence, "Last year 26 horror films were released...None of them lost money". That, dear readers (all three of you), is what it's all about. Studios don't want to take a chance at anything unless they know it's going to make them a shit ton of money. That's why half of the decent horror movies since 2000 have come out on dvd and never in a theater. Back in the same 1980's, there was a place for the horror movies the big studios didn't release. That place was the Grindhouse or the Drive- In's across the country. Now if the studios don't release it, we may get it on an unrated DVD. That's another problem. The MPAA is so fucked up that any director or producer of a horror film has to fight tooth and nail just to get an "R". That's nothing new of course. I don't want to sound all high and mighty and righteous but I know that The Expendables didn't have to fight nearly as hard for their "R" rating, and trust me that shit was gory. Just like in the 80's when half of every slasher or creature movie was cut to shreds but Die Hard 2 went in no problem. It's all about money. If you don't think the MPAA isn't a bribe machine you're dreaming. I'm positive that Antichrist and Human Centipede didn't even bother trying to get rated by the board.
       Ah it seems I have gotten off topic. Well, not really. The point here is that new ideas in horror films are being shot down and destroyed by the almighty dollar. All we get these days are recycled ideas from old movies, remakes of old movies, or PG-13 watered down Crystal Light movies with no balls. The studios are for lack of a better word, scared. The argument put to me would be, "Well the economy is bad. And people can just download movies now. What do you expect?". That's a bullshit argument. This whole cycle of crap began way before the economy was so shitty. And let us not forget the 70's and 80's when the economy was also a giant shithole. Filmmakers somehow found ways to deliver the goods then didn't they? No. The problem isn't the economy, the problem is lack of creativity We line up every year (well I don't) to see the 89th Saw movie. The kiddies go to see every PG-13 piece of shit because they can. Older people looking for nostalgia line up to see the newest shit remake. I am just as guilty in that department. If we didn't go, the studios wouldn't make them anymore. M. Night Shabalamamamama would be out of a job, and Wes Craven would be poor as shit (he should be thrown off of a bridge for his crimes against horror but whatever).
        There is light at the end of the tunnel however. A few people out there seem committed to making good stuff despite this shitty climate. Guillermo Del Toro is making like 128 movies this year and I guarantee they will all be good. We need more guys like him out there. We also need the big names to step up and make something awesome. Okay I'm done. I'm going to watch something disgusting now.

Friday, August 20, 2010

The Expendables list of death

  I know this post has nothing to do with horror movies but I don't care it's my blog I'll do with it as I please. This is about the return of the real deal action movie. The Expendables and then Machete later on to me marks a return to the silly, over the top, tough guy action movie. No more Pg-13 Michael Bay suck out louds, no more CGI stunts (well probably a little bit I haven't seen the movie yet), none of that shit. The Expendables pretty much has 2 decades worth of action heroes in one movie, with a few notable exceptions. In my opinion however, you shouldn't be allowed in the theater without seeing the following movies for homework. These movies may not have everyone in The Expendables, but they should be seen and loved regardless. In no particular order, here they are:

1. Delta Force (Chuck Norris saves Israel)
2. Delta Force 2 (Chuck Norris wins the war on drugs by himself)
3. Commando (Arnold kills an entire South American army, and saves a pre-teen Alyssa Milano from certain death at the hands of a weirdly accented chain mail clad bad guy)
4. Hard to Kill (Seagal awakens from a coma and kills everyone in the movie in three moves or less)
5. Double Impact (Van Damme and Van Damme and a hot chick fight bad guys in Hong Kong)
6. Invasion USA (Chuck Norris saves America from Commie terrorists. Like 800,000 of them.)
7. Die Hard (Bruce Willis' best movie)
8. Die Hard 2 (Bruce Willis survives more terrorists)
9. Marked for Death (Seagal kills an entire gang of Jamaican drug dealers in three moves or less)
10. The Punisher (1989 Dolph Lundgren classic where he kills the whole mob and the Yakuza. Way better than any other Punisher movie that came out afterwards.)
11. Cliffhanger (Stallone on a mountain. Excellent death by rock bolt gun thing.)
12. Red Scorpion (Dolph Lundgren kills the whole Soviet army. Because he feels like it.)
13. Rambo II (Stallone goes back to 'Nam. And fucks everybody up)
14. Universal Soldier (Van Damme and Dolph Lundgren in the same movie. It was The Expendables about 20 years before that shit came out)
15. Under Siege (Seagal kills every terrorist on a Battleship. And he gouges Tommy Lee Jones' eyes out)
16. Missing in Action (Chuck Norris goes back to 'Nam to rescue every POW there. And he succeeds. Obviously)
17. Rambo 3 (Stallone goes to Afghanistan, and unwittingly helps the Taliban)
18. Above the Law (Seagal's first and best movie. He cleans up Chicago and still has time to bang Sharon Stone before she was showing her cooter in Basic Instinct)
19. Predator (I am not going to describe this. If you don't know I hate you)
20. Total Recall (Arnold on Mars killing bad guys who stole his identity. Big Mistake)
21. Robocop (I don't even know where to start.)
22. Showdown in Little Tokyo (Dolph and Brandon Lee vs. The Yakuza. Also Tia 'Wayne's World' Carrere has a sex scene.)
23. Rapid Fire (Brandon Lee fucks up the mob.)
24. The Octagon (Chuck Norris vs. a horde of ninjas)
25. The Last Boyscout (Bruce Willis is a dirty PI who shoots everyone that moves. Except DamonWayans for some reason.)
26. Cobra (Stallone vs. about 3000 evil violent serial killer dudes)
27. Raw Deal (Arnold goes undercover. Shoots people.)
28. Red Heat (Arnold is Russian. Shoots people.)
29. Road House (Best movie Patrick Swayze was ever in.)
30. Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man (Trust me this is the best action movie you've never seen)
31. Code of Silence (Chuck Norris takes out drug dealers and dirty cops. Not to be fucked with)
32. Lone Wolf McQuade (Chuck Norris drives a car out of six feet of earth and then kills David Carradine.)
33. Eraser (Arnold kills corruption with giant cannon things)
34. Sniper (Tom Berenger shoots a lot of people in the head with a sniper rifle)
35. Hard Target (Van Damme and his mullet in a lot of cool gun battles)
36. Death Wish (Charles fucking Bronson)
37, Under Siege 2 (Seagal's last decent movie. He pretty much kills a bunch of terrorists. Again.)
38. The Hitman (Chuck Norris and his mullet. Sidekicks all over the place)
39. Black Mask (Jet Li is a superhero type. A lot of people get their ass kicked)
40. Out for Justice (Seagal and a bad Brooklyn accent violently kill everyone who fucks with him. In two moves or less)
41. Missing in Action 2 (Chuck Norris escapes from 'Nam in a flashback movie. Everyone dies but him)
42. American Ninja (My favorite movie when I was 6 years old)
43. The Glimmer Man (Seagal is a cop who used to be a CIA guy. He kinda looks Buddhist. Yet he brutally kills people)
44. Escape from New York (The fact that Kurt Russel isn't on here yet makes me think somewhere along the line I fucked up)
45. Executive Decision (Kurt Russel and Seagal in the same movie. Except Seagal dies. What?)
46. True Lies (The last good James Cameron movie)
47. Point Break (Whoa.)
48. Lethal Weapon 2 (Before Mel Gibson was a twat)
49. They Live (Roddy Piper killing aliens. Also epic fist fight with the guy from Men at Work)
50. Braddock: Missing in Action 3 (Chuck Norris returns to 'Nam. He's got a kid who gets kidnapped by a VietCong General. Bad idea)

When I think of more I'll add them.

Monday, August 2, 2010

"The Human Centipede" running commentary. haha!

So I decided to re-open the festivities on this here blog by doing a running commentary on the super-hyped "The Human Centipede". I've heard a ton of shit about this, so here we go:

-Popped in movie at 7:30. We got a weird dude looking at a picture of animals with their mouths and butts close together.
- Weird dude follows a trucker guy into the woods. Trucker guy has a roll of toilet paper in his hand. Weird guy has a rifle.
- Now that wasn't nice.
- Okay so here we have two silly bitches in a hotel room. Yeah they're fucking dumb....and this is sorta set-up like Hostel.
- Dumb bitches get a flat tire. Some other old guy stops and starts saying graphic sexual things in German. Fucking Germans.
- Well this is predictable.
- Yeah good knock on the fucking door to the house in the middle of the fucking woods.
- Ah hello weird guy from 10 minutes ago.
- Now he is creepy weird guy. New name. He has fish eyes. Vaguely looks like a Nazi.
- Also he is fluent in English. These bitches don't look like they can read.
- I will now name the stupid bitches in an attempt to not be such a dick. They will be named Asshole and Total Asshole.
-Weird Creepy Doctor (he just said he was), just slipped the ladies a mickey. The man knows how to entertain.
-"Do you live here with your wife?"
   "No...I don't like humans."   Best line so far
- Also he just cursed at them in German.
- Dr. Creeper is filling a syringe...The Asshole Twins seem to be getting sleepy
- Dr. Creeper just told them they were drugged. Reaction is poorly acted.
- Asshole vomits. So far this a lot like Hostel.
- Well, they're fucked.
-Looks like a hospital bed. Handcuffs.
- Stupid bitches and pooping guy together in a room. Bad acting.
- Pooper guy was just told he is going to die. The evil doc is pretty badass.
- Nothing too gross has happened yet.
- A new guy was just caught, looks like a Japanese dude. I only know that because he's yelling in Japanese.
- Doc has white lab coat. Hmmm.
- Doc just introduced himself as a surgeon who likes to put people together. He did it with his dog. I'm glad I didn't see that.
- He is now explaining what he's going to do to these people.
- Yeah, that's fucked up.
- Yeah I'd be screaming too.
- Well that's fucking gross.
- Japanese guy is screaming jibberish.
- Never go to Germany. I'm convinced.
- One of the asshole twins is running away. Typical girl in a horror movie. Run out the fucking door you stupid bitch.
- Whoever is playing the doctor is kind of awesome.
- Worst chick in a horror movie....ever.
- Jamie Lee would've fucked this guy up inside 12 seconds.
- "I know definitely, that YOU ARE THE MIDDLE PIECE!" hahahahaha
- Attempted drowning. The doc is saying "shit" in German.
- Stupid is temporarily alive, should be booking out of the broken window but instead is slowly walking and whimpering. He can't hear whimpering I guess.
- No asshole your friend is already fucked just go already.
- Jump scares? Really?
- Tranq dart!
- Shit here comes the operation.
- Movie was fairly tame to this point.
- Ick.
- Yuck.
- So wait. That's the big deal?
- Okay no I was wrong.
- That's fucked up.
-  Doc is kissing himself through a mirror. What the hell am I watching.
- The "What the fuck moment" just happened.
- I would have loved to be in the room when this movie was being pitched.
- He has Nazi boots. Not at all surprised.
- Oh...My....Fucking...God!
-  The other "What the fuck moment"? Yeah that was it. I haven't even seen anything it's the suggestion that's messed up.
- The Japanese guy has balls. Maybe.
- The cops are there. They might be filleted or turned into a human octopus for the sequel.
- German doctor getting pissy.
-  Cops still alive.
- When the director's parents asked him what his movie is about I wonder if he said, "Three people eat each other's asses because a crazy Nazi doctor doesn't like people. Can I have a cookie mom?"
- Oh!
- I have a feeling I know what's coming...I am grossed out.
- .........................
- Ok. I am officially over the "shock" of people connected ass-to-mouth
- Crawling people climax commence
- Samurai centipede!
- Wait no....Now suddenly this shit got all philosophical.
- Eww.
- Cops are back.
- Evil maniacal laughter.
- I got ca$h on the cops shooting the ass-to-mouth people.
- I lost the bet.
- Stupid fucking cops.
- That gives a whole (no pun intended) new meaning to the term "final girl".
- That was indeed fucked up.

My one sentence review of this movie: What the hell did I just watch?