Monday, August 23, 2010

Stupid Movie Review: The Burning

Director: I don't know, who cares?

Actors: George from Seinfeld (with hair no less), and plenty of people to kill off.

Plot: Alright so this is a slasher from the early 80's. You already know the plot. You want more information? Fine. Basically this is your standard stalk and slash about a dude who was the victim of a terribly stupid camp prank where he was burned alive. A few years ( I think) later, and he's out. The first thing he does is kill a hooker with floppy bologna boobs. She deserved it. She was gonna give everyone the HIV. Anyway, right after this we go to a camp full of kids and counselors. The burned pissed off guy begins to stalk everybody to get his revenge for being turned into half man, half dog poo. A lot of these people (victims) look familiar, like they had careers after this movie or something. Anyway, after a long while we get a few gory deaths, including the absolute showstopper on the rafts. There, done.

Gore: We have a lot of death by scissors, the aforementioned showstopper and a half on the rafts. Interestingly enough, a lot of the good kills were cut out by those rat bastards at the MPAA when this came out. In fact, I heard that up until the recent DVD (the one I bought) the whole raft scene was completely missing. The movie is almost not worth watching without it. I mean we have fingers cut off, throats slashed open, multiple stabbings, arterial spray, all in one sequence. Can't beat that. All hail Tom Savini, king of the gore.

Boobs: Yes.

Why: does every camp slasher movie have the "I can't find my clothes after skinny dipping" scene? And why do kids seem to want to skinny dip in a lake? Aren't there leeches and poop in there? That's a whole horror movie by itself.

Also: I think the "final girl (or in this case guy)" should die in these movies just like everyone else. What makes these people so fucking special? They are just as stupid as any other character in the movie. Just because they don't bump uglies or drink or smoke doesn't mean they get to live. Fuck that they should die even more horribly for being puritanical little fuckers. Like buzzsaw to the face death.

Best line: Camper: "So what are we supposed to be looking for anyway"
              George from Seinfeld: "Your mother"

Worst character: Glazer the super-bro. It's like a blonde haired "Situation" type dude. If this movie was made in 2010 instead of 1981 he'd be a Tapout shirt wearing, Blow-Out sporting  parasite. I'm glad he dies terribly.

In conclusion: This is a pretty decent 80's slasher. If you haven't seen it, try to rent it or something. It's worth the time. Especially for the death raft scene.

Grade: 83%

      That sucks dude.

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