Friday, August 20, 2010

The Expendables list of death

  I know this post has nothing to do with horror movies but I don't care it's my blog I'll do with it as I please. This is about the return of the real deal action movie. The Expendables and then Machete later on to me marks a return to the silly, over the top, tough guy action movie. No more Pg-13 Michael Bay suck out louds, no more CGI stunts (well probably a little bit I haven't seen the movie yet), none of that shit. The Expendables pretty much has 2 decades worth of action heroes in one movie, with a few notable exceptions. In my opinion however, you shouldn't be allowed in the theater without seeing the following movies for homework. These movies may not have everyone in The Expendables, but they should be seen and loved regardless. In no particular order, here they are:

1. Delta Force (Chuck Norris saves Israel)
2. Delta Force 2 (Chuck Norris wins the war on drugs by himself)
3. Commando (Arnold kills an entire South American army, and saves a pre-teen Alyssa Milano from certain death at the hands of a weirdly accented chain mail clad bad guy)
4. Hard to Kill (Seagal awakens from a coma and kills everyone in the movie in three moves or less)
5. Double Impact (Van Damme and Van Damme and a hot chick fight bad guys in Hong Kong)
6. Invasion USA (Chuck Norris saves America from Commie terrorists. Like 800,000 of them.)
7. Die Hard (Bruce Willis' best movie)
8. Die Hard 2 (Bruce Willis survives more terrorists)
9. Marked for Death (Seagal kills an entire gang of Jamaican drug dealers in three moves or less)
10. The Punisher (1989 Dolph Lundgren classic where he kills the whole mob and the Yakuza. Way better than any other Punisher movie that came out afterwards.)
11. Cliffhanger (Stallone on a mountain. Excellent death by rock bolt gun thing.)
12. Red Scorpion (Dolph Lundgren kills the whole Soviet army. Because he feels like it.)
13. Rambo II (Stallone goes back to 'Nam. And fucks everybody up)
14. Universal Soldier (Van Damme and Dolph Lundgren in the same movie. It was The Expendables about 20 years before that shit came out)
15. Under Siege (Seagal kills every terrorist on a Battleship. And he gouges Tommy Lee Jones' eyes out)
16. Missing in Action (Chuck Norris goes back to 'Nam to rescue every POW there. And he succeeds. Obviously)
17. Rambo 3 (Stallone goes to Afghanistan, and unwittingly helps the Taliban)
18. Above the Law (Seagal's first and best movie. He cleans up Chicago and still has time to bang Sharon Stone before she was showing her cooter in Basic Instinct)
19. Predator (I am not going to describe this. If you don't know I hate you)
20. Total Recall (Arnold on Mars killing bad guys who stole his identity. Big Mistake)
21. Robocop (I don't even know where to start.)
22. Showdown in Little Tokyo (Dolph and Brandon Lee vs. The Yakuza. Also Tia 'Wayne's World' Carrere has a sex scene.)
23. Rapid Fire (Brandon Lee fucks up the mob.)
24. The Octagon (Chuck Norris vs. a horde of ninjas)
25. The Last Boyscout (Bruce Willis is a dirty PI who shoots everyone that moves. Except DamonWayans for some reason.)
26. Cobra (Stallone vs. about 3000 evil violent serial killer dudes)
27. Raw Deal (Arnold goes undercover. Shoots people.)
28. Red Heat (Arnold is Russian. Shoots people.)
29. Road House (Best movie Patrick Swayze was ever in.)
30. Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man (Trust me this is the best action movie you've never seen)
31. Code of Silence (Chuck Norris takes out drug dealers and dirty cops. Not to be fucked with)
32. Lone Wolf McQuade (Chuck Norris drives a car out of six feet of earth and then kills David Carradine.)
33. Eraser (Arnold kills corruption with giant cannon things)
34. Sniper (Tom Berenger shoots a lot of people in the head with a sniper rifle)
35. Hard Target (Van Damme and his mullet in a lot of cool gun battles)
36. Death Wish (Charles fucking Bronson)
37, Under Siege 2 (Seagal's last decent movie. He pretty much kills a bunch of terrorists. Again.)
38. The Hitman (Chuck Norris and his mullet. Sidekicks all over the place)
39. Black Mask (Jet Li is a superhero type. A lot of people get their ass kicked)
40. Out for Justice (Seagal and a bad Brooklyn accent violently kill everyone who fucks with him. In two moves or less)
41. Missing in Action 2 (Chuck Norris escapes from 'Nam in a flashback movie. Everyone dies but him)
42. American Ninja (My favorite movie when I was 6 years old)
43. The Glimmer Man (Seagal is a cop who used to be a CIA guy. He kinda looks Buddhist. Yet he brutally kills people)
44. Escape from New York (The fact that Kurt Russel isn't on here yet makes me think somewhere along the line I fucked up)
45. Executive Decision (Kurt Russel and Seagal in the same movie. Except Seagal dies. What?)
46. True Lies (The last good James Cameron movie)
47. Point Break (Whoa.)
48. Lethal Weapon 2 (Before Mel Gibson was a twat)
49. They Live (Roddy Piper killing aliens. Also epic fist fight with the guy from Men at Work)
50. Braddock: Missing in Action 3 (Chuck Norris returns to 'Nam. He's got a kid who gets kidnapped by a VietCong General. Bad idea)

When I think of more I'll add them.

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