Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Stupid Movie Review: Prince of Darkness

Director: John Carpenter

Actors that matter: Donald Pleasance, A bunch of guys from Big Trouble in Little China, and...Alice Cooper?

Plot: The movie opens with a priest on his deathbed. On his stomach there is a little treasure box thing. I think he mutters something, and then he croaks. We then see Donald Pleasance and a bunch of other priests looking nervous and constipated. Inside the chest holds a key to an old church. Inside the church basement there is this giant cylinder full of swirling Ecto-Cooler. Donald Pleasance looks more constipated. We then cut to what looks like a university, and we then meet the rest of our main characters. Basically a bunch of grad student types and their professor. Our main hero is some dude with a moustache who creepily looks at the hot chick in his class. Only she's not that hot. They end up knocking boots. Good job moustache guy. A little bit later the professor (one of the old Chinese guys from Big Trouble in Little China) and Donald Pleasance the priest go to the church to look at the Ecto-Cooler tube. They decide this shit is sinister, and the professor says he wants to run tests on the green crap. Suddenly, all the people in the professor's class are told to cancel their plans and go with the professor to the church, presumably to run tests on the green shit in the tube. All the grad students get there, and immediately begin running tests. Meanwhile, an army of creepy homeless people led by Alice Cooper wait motionless outside the church. Some of them are covered in cockroaches. Cool. As the kids run the tests, they soon realize there is some weird shit going on and the priest then tells them all that this liquid shit is the essence of Satan, who is trying to bring his dad, the Anti-God, to Earth. The grad students aren't sure they believe this shit, but then the green goo starts to come alive and squirts itself into some poor woman's mouth. Probably not the first time she's been surprised like that. Anyway, if the green stuff gets on you, you turn into a satan zombie. Satan zombies can also squirt the green shit on people. Suddenly, the grad students start dying off, and then it becomes readily apparent that the satan zombies are really trying to bring this Anti-God dude to Earth. One woman gets the whole contents of the cylinder inside her, and she turns into a melting hell bitch with superpowers. Basically, everyone in the church is fucked. The homeless people outside stab anyone who gets away, so everyone left alive is trapped. The satan zombies attack, and the hell bitch tries to bring the Anti-God guy to Earth through a mirror. Some fighting happens, a slit throat, some death, axe dismemberment, and finally our mustachioed hero's love interest sacrifices her life to save everyone else.

Gore: We don't have a ton of gore in this one, but what we do have is pretty cool. There's limb dismemberment, one multiple stabbing, one of the dead grad students returning to life to deliver a creepy message only to completely fall apart, bloating, neck snapping, face melting (kind of), and impalement by bicycle.

What I learned from this movie: Priests are completely worthless when real deal evil shit comes to Earth. Also, when the evil goes away they like to take credit when they did nothing to stop it.

Creepy shit: The recurring dream sequence that every character has where the camera (looks like something from Paranormal Activity) pans around the church to reveal a shadowy cloaked dude in the doorway. All while weird transmission like sounds play in the background.

Never trust: Alice Cooper. He will impale your ass on a bicycle.

Graduate Science students should: Say "no" when their eccentric professor wants them to run tests on shit without telling them why. Also they should leave when they see an army of creepy homeless people gathered outside of the building they're in.

Boobs?: None. Not that kind of movie.

Best Lines: "YOU WILL NOT BE SAVED" and "I have a message for you. You're not gonna like it. Pray for dead"

Donald Pleasance: Should have thrown the fucking axe before the girl jumped through the mirror. Asshole.

In conclusion: I hadn't seen this movie for a long time before popping it in last night. I forgot how cool it is. A lot of people give this movie shit as well as John Carpenter but they can all eat it. I really hate it when people who think they know something berate a director for making a movie that isn't exactly like their previous classic. Prince of Darkness is not Halloween. Nor is it The Thing. No shit. That's no reason to shit on this movie. It more than stands on its own merits and is actually pretty creepy. John Carpenter movies all have one thing in common. The good guys never truly "win". Even in Halloween, Michael Myers gets shot 6 times and the bastard still gets up. Another example? James Woods killed Valek in Vampires, but his partner was turned into one in the process. More? Kurt Russel kills The Thing, but no one's coming to rescue him. There is always that sense that everyone in the film is totally fucked no matter what happens. This movie is no exception. It ends with the same sense of dread that it built up since the opening scene. Basically, the good guys win the battle, but never the war. The acting is halfway decent and the movie has some creepy moments for once. A seriously underrated movie.

Grade: 89%

                  Satan found her on E-Harmony.

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