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Rag of the Dead
Monday, August 2, 2010
"The Human Centipede" running commentary. haha!
So I decided to re-open the festivities on this here blog by doing a running commentary on the super-hyped "The Human Centipede". I've heard a ton of shit about this, so here we go:
-Popped in movie at 7:30. We got a weird dude looking at a picture of animals with their mouths and butts close together.
- Weird dude follows a trucker guy into the woods. Trucker guy has a roll of toilet paper in his hand. Weird guy has a rifle.
- Now that wasn't nice.
- Okay so here we have two silly bitches in a hotel room. Yeah they're fucking dumb....and this is sorta set-up like Hostel.
- Dumb bitches get a flat tire. Some other old guy stops and starts saying graphic sexual things in German. Fucking Germans.
- Well this is predictable.
- Yeah good knock on the fucking door to the house in the middle of the fucking woods.
- Ah hello weird guy from 10 minutes ago.
- Now he is creepy weird guy. New name. He has fish eyes. Vaguely looks like a Nazi.
- Also he is fluent in English. These bitches don't look like they can read.
- I will now name the stupid bitches in an attempt to not be such a dick. They will be named Asshole and Total Asshole.
-Weird Creepy Doctor (he just said he was), just slipped the ladies a mickey. The man knows how to entertain.
-"Do you live here with your wife?"
"No...I don't like humans." Best line so far
- Also he just cursed at them in German.
- Dr. Creeper is filling a syringe...The Asshole Twins seem to be getting sleepy
- Dr. Creeper just told them they were drugged. Reaction is poorly acted.
- Asshole vomits. So far this a lot like Hostel.
- Well, they're fucked.
-Looks like a hospital bed. Handcuffs.
- Stupid bitches and pooping guy together in a room. Bad acting.
- Pooper guy was just told he is going to die. The evil doc is pretty badass.
- Nothing too gross has happened yet.
- A new guy was just caught, looks like a Japanese dude. I only know that because he's yelling in Japanese.
- Doc has white lab coat. Hmmm.
- Doc just introduced himself as a surgeon who likes to put people together. He did it with his dog. I'm glad I didn't see that.
- He is now explaining what he's going to do to these people.
- Yeah, that's fucked up.
- Yeah I'd be screaming too.
- Well that's fucking gross.
- Japanese guy is screaming jibberish.
- Never go to Germany. I'm convinced.
- One of the asshole twins is running away. Typical girl in a horror movie. Run out the fucking door you stupid bitch.
- Whoever is playing the doctor is kind of awesome.
- Worst chick in a horror movie....ever.
- Jamie Lee would've fucked this guy up inside 12 seconds.
- "I know definitely, that YOU ARE THE MIDDLE PIECE!" hahahahaha
- Attempted drowning. The doc is saying "shit" in German.
- Stupid is temporarily alive, should be booking out of the broken window but instead is slowly walking and whimpering. He can't hear whimpering I guess.
- No asshole your friend is already fucked just go already.
- Jump scares? Really?
- Tranq dart!
- Shit here comes the operation.
- Movie was fairly tame to this point.
- So wait. That's the big deal?
- Okay no I was wrong.
- That's fucked up.
- Doc is kissing himself through a mirror. What the hell am I watching.
- The "What the fuck moment" just happened.
- I would have loved to be in the room when this movie was being pitched.
- He has Nazi boots. Not at all surprised.
- The other "What the fuck moment"? Yeah that was it. I haven't even seen anything it's the suggestion that's messed up.
- The Japanese guy has balls. Maybe.
- The cops are there. They might be filleted or turned into a human octopus for the sequel.
- German doctor getting pissy.
- Cops still alive.
- When the director's parents asked him what his movie is about I wonder if he said, "Three people eat each other's asses because a crazy Nazi doctor doesn't like people. Can I have a cookie mom?"
- I have a feeling I know what's coming...I am grossed out.
- Ok. I am officially over the "shock" of people connected ass-to-mouth
- Crawling people climax commence
- Samurai centipede!
- Wait no....Now suddenly this shit got all philosophical.
- Cops are back.
- Evil maniacal laughter.
- I got ca$h on the cops shooting the ass-to-mouth people.
- I lost the bet.
- Stupid fucking cops.
- That gives a whole (no pun intended) new meaning to the term "final girl".
- That was indeed fucked up.
My one sentence review of this movie:
What the hell did I just watch?
Too bad we didn't watch THIS gem together.
August 2, 2010 at 6:27 PM
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"The Human Centipede" running commentary. haha!