Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Stupid Movie Review: The Prowler

Director: Joseph Zito. He would later do "Friday the 13th part 4". AKA the best Jason movie ever.

Stars: A bunch of college (sorta) age kids who deserved to be killed. A crippled guy, and a stupid cop.

Plot: Another quality 80's slasher. This one opens up at the end of WWII. We see newsreel footage of the troops coming home and happily celebrating not dying or being crippled. Then we cut to a shot of a letter that turns out to be a "Fuck off soldier guy! I'm doing somebody else because I'm a whore and couldn't wait for your dumb ass to come back before opening my legs again" letter. Bummer. The next shot takes us to what looks like a big ball room dance for graduation '46 or whatever. We then see a couple who decide to blow the party and go make out in a secluded spot. I'm going to guess that this is the aforementioned whore from the letter and her new boyfriend. They end up at a gazebo and start preparing for entry. We keep cutting back to the dance where everyone's happy and having fun. Suddenly as the couple starts to get down, a dude dressed up like a soldier comes and pitchforks the shit out of the couple. I will make the leap and guess that this is the pissed off soldier boyfriend who seems to have taken his break-up very badly. Blood flies everywhere, and our movie is well under way. Fast forward to 1980, and a new graduation dance is being set up for the first time since our initial brutal slaying. We have a group of stupid as shit college kids, a worthless young cop, and a bunch of grizzled townspeople. We also have a sheriff to go along with the worthless cop who I guess is his deputy. That makes two cops for the entire town. That's right. Two fucking cops. Our sheriff decides to go on vacation...now we have one cop. Yes, the conditions seem right for a multiple homicide. The dance begins, and our first victims get brutally skewered. It seems our psycho soldier is back, and pissed about the dance. He also seems to have not lost his touch despite being about 30 years older. A few scares and a few dead bodies later, our dumb as dogshit "final girl", along with worthless deputy cop guy, start digging for answers to find the killer. He kills more people in a variety of creative ways, and eventually our retarded couple find out who he is. This leads to a cool climax and awesome final showstopping gore scene. It also leads to a cheap "Carrie" scare at the end of the movie. More on this later.

Gore: Yeah, we have a lot of the goo in this one. A bayonet through the skull, several pitchfork kabobs, throat stabbings, throat slashings, exploding heads, and the list goes on. Another Tom Savini gore effects masterpiece.

Who is Tom Savini?: It has come to my attention that perhaps you fine people don't know who the fuck I'm talking about. I'm going to rattle off a few movies. Maybe you heard of them. Dawn of the Dead (original not shitty remake), Friday the 13th 1 and 4, The Burning, Day of the Dead, etc. He did all of the gore effects for these fine films. Respect the technique.

Holy Shit moment: The exploding head death by shotgun. Holy...Shit.

I'm not sure: That when you get stabbed through the head by bayonet that your eyes roll all the way back. I mean I don't know and there's no way to find out, but that seems kind of odd to me.

Oh my God you stupid fucking bitch moment: Our first victims die in the dorm room of our main character, stupid as hell "final girl". Our idiot protagonist, about three seconds after the killings, spills punch on her dress and decides to go back to the dorm and change. She walks in, takes out another dress, and changes. She does not seem to notice the copious amounts of blood all over the fucking room. How the fuck can you NOT see the blood literally right in front of you?!?!? Like honestly YOU'RE THE FINAL GIRL? REALLY?!?!? Meanwhile, the killer is still in the room putting a flower on his victims in the shower where he placed them. You fucking idiot.

Irrational and ill-advised skinny dipping?: Yes.

Boobs?: Yes a nice pair in the shower. Unfortunately, their owner is quickly impaled by a pitchfork to the abdomen.

Why: was it necessary to have the stupid "Carrie" scare at the end of this? For those of you who don't know what I mean, a "Carrie" scare refers to the final scene in the movie "Carrie" where the director gave the audience that final 'jump'. In that case, it was the dream sequence where the girl goes to put a flower where Carrie White's house burned down, and a hand, presumably Carrie's, pops out of the ground to grab the girl. Another example is when the disfigured Jason pops out of the water at the end of Friday the 13th. You get the point. In this movie the "Carrie" scare is not only completely unnecessary, it's fucking stupid. The idiot "final girl" goes back to her dorm after killing off the bad guy, opens the shower and suddenly a hand pops out and grabs her. It belongs to the dude who got his skull stabbed way back in the beginning. The guy is fucking dead. Why would you do this? Luckily it was a dream sequence or something. Still, very stupid.

In conclusion: Despite my ranting above, this is a pretty good slasher movie. We have good kills, a lot of them I might add. We have a decent plot, some boobs, and a showstopper head explosion at the end. However, the acting is bad, the characters are stupid to the point where no one should have sympathy for them at all, and there are some serious leaps of logic in some of the scenes. Either way, this shit is on XBOX Netflix so give it a watch. It's worth the time.

Grade: 85%

That can't feel good.

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