Thursday, October 29, 2009

My favorite movie monsters...ever

The title makes this pretty obvious. These are my absolute favorite disgusting creatures from the horror (sci/fi too) genre. You will notice that these monsters are from specific movies. I am not using general terms like "vampire" (I kind of hate them now anyway) because that's boring and this blog is a boring-free blog of death. Enjoy:

Pumpkinhead- Stan Winston created this ugly bastard for his film of the same name. Ugly and pissed, this guy enjoys tearing stupid rednecks apart. Sometimes he likes killing city folk who fuck with rednecks. Either way, Pumpkinhead kicks ass.

Dr. Pretorious from "From Beyond"- This evil bug-eyed tentacled slimy monster does some truly awesome/horrible things throughout the movie. He especially likes eating people. And the ladies. If you haven't seen it, I suggest you do so immediately.

Jeff Goldbloom's Fly from "The Fly"- How did they make Jeff Goldbloom look more like an insect than he does normally? Also, how cool was it when he spit fly juice on that magazine editor guy and his leg melted? Or when he fused with a piece of metal to create a grotesque fly/washing machine hybrid? Love the creature effects.

Grant Grant from "Slither"- More bug-eyed slimy monster goodness. This guy likes to eat/absorb people. He likes to impregnate silly redneck girls with slug monster babies. He likes meat. He has an inexplicably hot wife. I love this movie and you should too. I mean look at this guy. Ladies I ask you, you would totally take him home wouldn't you?

The Thing- The best creature ever. It turns into whatever it wants to and fucks everything up. Anyone around when this thing shows itself gets eaten in a brutal fashion. Plus, nothing is better than seeing Wilford Brimley, diabetes and al,l turn into a large alien creature. I just wish it didn't kill all the dogs. I like dogs.

The Chatterer from "Hellraiser"- If he talked he'd be cooler than Pinhead. Either way he just looks fucking awesome.

The devil/oracle thing from "Nightbreed"- After seeing this movie I'm still not entirely sure what the hell this thing is supposed to be, but it looks cool. It also can burn priests at will and tell monster/human people their futures. I think that's pretty cool.

The 1986 version of the Blob- It's a huge gelatinous mass that devours humanity in the grossest ways possible. Face melting like you see after an Iron Maiden triple guitar solo. Love it.

The queen from "Aliens"- "Get away from her you BITCH!"

The mom monster from "Dead Alive"- This picture in no way does this vile creature any justice. Saggy boobed monster zombie bitch from hell. That is my description and I am sticking to it. Bless Peter Jackson for his grotesque imagination.

The Creature from the Black Lagoon- I had to go old school for at least one of these. I love how cheesy this guy is. It's a dude in a rubber suit. So what it was fucking 1954. You go ahead and do better.

I might do another volume of this. I want feedback dammit.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

The best zombie movies you have never heard of

So you might be wondering what the hell these pictures are all about. Well observant readers, I felt that they would be a fitting way to introduce the bullshit I feel like posting tonight. Now I direct this post at those of you who really are not huge horror fans. This is a list of obscure or lesser known zombie movies. If you are a big horror nerd like me then you probably have not only seen most of the movies I'm about to list, but you own them as well. Now don't look at this list expecting George Romero or Shaun of the Dead or even Zombieland. No 28 anything later, either. Nothing on this list is very popular and if you are the casual horror fan you probably haven't seen them. Unless you're my roommate. In no particular order, here they are:

1. Zombie- This is the first Lucio Fulci zombie bloodbath on the list. Also known as Zombie Flesh Eaters, it was pretty much a ripoff of Dawn of the Dead. At least that's what it was considered to be at the time (1979) it came out. However, while the rules of Romero's world are followed (zombies get shot in the head they die, etc.), there are a lot of things that make this movie pure gold. Absolutely disgusting zombie gore, eyeball gouging, shark vs. zombie in underwater battle (no I'm not making that up), topless scuba diving, and that's just the highlight reel. Check it out.

2. The Living Dead at Manchester Morgue- Pre-dates Dawn of the Dead by a few years. Also known as Let Sleeping Corpses Lie, we got a lot to like in this one. Zombies are created when British scientists build a machine that's supposed to kill every bug within 100 miles using some sort of radioactive, I don't fucking know what technology nonsense. Who cares about that? We have decent zombie gore and an actual plot and atmosphere. By that I mean I actually cared about the characters. See it.

3. Return of the Living Dead 3- Most people know about Return of the Living Dead. It pretty much re-invented the zombie movie and gave it new rules. Like for example, you can't kill them with anything other than fire and zombies eat brains. Well Return of the Living Dead 3 probably slipped under most sane people's radar. This one's about an army brat who after witnessing his dad fuck up an experiment involving zombies, accidentally kills his slutty girlfriend in a motorcycle wreck. He stupidely re-animates her with the zombie gas and mayhem and chaos ensue. Pretty cool zombie gore, a decent if somewhat stupid plot, and a really entertaining ending. It's probably cheap too.

4. Dead Alive- Maybe you have actually heard of this one. Peter Jackson before he went to Middle-Earth. This is literally the grossest movie on earth. Entrails and goo fly everywhere for the majority of the film. We have lawnmowers used inappropriately. We have lots of ugly creature effects (including the money shot at the end of the movie that I won't ruin here if you didn't see it). Also, this movie is hilarious. There is a scene where a priest kicks the crap out of a bunch of zombies using advanced ninja moves. He also says, "I kick ass for the lord". What excuse do you have not to see this?

5. City of the Living Dead- More Fulci. This one's also gross. It's about a priest who hangs himself in a small town, opening up one of the gates of hell. Don't ask me why this happens because I've seen this movie like a dozen times and I still don't know. Either way, this makes dead people come back to life. We have some of the most vile gore scenes in film history in this one. I don't even want to ruin them by mentioning them here, but in one scene a couple in a van about to do stuff come across the dead priest, now an evil magic zombie. Suddenly the girl starts crying blood and throwing up her insides as we watch for ten minutes. The guy she's with then promptly gets his brains ripped out of his head. If this sounds like a good time to you, check this one out.

6. Cemetary Man- This movie should have been huge. It deals with a cemetary caretaker that has one job. Make sure the dead people don't walk out of the cemetary. I'm being very simple in explaining the plot. Believe me it is far more complicated than I am making it sound. It actually asks a lot of questions and is almost by the end a morality play. An artsy zombie movie. It's also gory and it has one of the most amazingly beautiful women I have ever seen on film. Enough said. Buy it.

7. The Beyond- Fulci's best movie. It is another one of his "gates of hell unleash zombies" films. Like the others before it, the plot is pretty much incomprehensible but I'll try to explain. In a flashback we see a bunch of angry villagers beat the crap out of a guy with chains and then crucify him on a wall. Why do they do this? Apparently the guy's pretty evil. When they're done they throw acid on his face just for fun. This is how every movie should start. We fast forward to the present, and some silly whore has just bought the hotel where this guy died. This turns out to be one of the gates of hell and as a result of it being opened, shit goes downhill. The plot matters very little but the gore scenes matter a lot. We have tarantulas eating a dude's face, exploding heads, eyes ripped out, and all manner of other disgusting shit. Plus the ending is pretty awesome. Go online to get this if you're interested.

8. Nightmare City- So apparently scientists do something stupid causing humans to turn into murdering, rampaging zombies. I let many things slide with this movie. For example, zombies using weapons to kill people. The fact that they run (you know how I hate when zombies run). This is in no way a good movie but it is entertaining as hell. Ask me about it.

9. Night of the Creeps- This technically counts as a zombie movie. Space aliens drop a cannister full of brain eating slug creatures on to unsuspecting 1950's America. Fast forward to 1986. The kid from European Vacation and his cute lady friend (also the good guy from Halloween 3) realize that the slug creatures turn people into zombies and if they don't want to die they better kill every one of them. This movie is an homage to every horror movie ever made to that point (all the characters have horror director names), and this works out pretty well. I have fun with this movie. You can't beat lines like "Well girls I have good news and bad news. The good news is your dates are here. The bad news? They're dead".

10. Re-Animator- This is one of my favorite movies. A crazy scientist develops a green goo that when injected into newly dead people, brings them back to life. The only problem with this is they are usually pretty fucking pissed when they come back. This movie has a lot of gross humor. We have pretty cool gore scenes, but the absolute touchdown in this movie is the scene where a headless evil guy tries to perform oral on a girl he has kidnapped. Wait, what the hell did I just say? Yeah. An evil dead zombie guy picks up his severed head and tries to perform unwanted oral pleasures on a helpless female. How the hell did they get away with that? If this sounds like something you're into, seek help or see this movie.

I want comments dammit. I know I'm not mentioning like a hundred movies. Give me some suggestions.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

The best (and worst) movies about satan and demon stuff

So it's Halloween and if you go to any fine retailer selling dvd's, you'll notice that horror movies are marked way down and you can actually afford them. Well, as your personal guide to all things horror movie related, I will now give you another fine list of movies. This time involving the denizens of hell and what they do to people on earth. Now this is a list of the good AND the awful. Why both? Because all deserve to be mentioned and before you spend your hard earned greenback on a cheap dvd you should have all this information at your disposal. So without further nonsense bullshit from me, here's the list. Enjoy.

1. The Exorcist- If you don't know about this movie you suck. period. Quite possibly the best satan movie ever and it was made in 1973. Nothing else even comes close. Not even the sequels/prequels. Most of those suck. Except The Exorcist 3. More on this later.

2. End of Days- Arnold Schwartzenegger. He's taken on aliens in jungles, an entire South American army, Commies, terrorists, liquid metal killing machines, Jamie Lee Curtis, kindergarteners, himself, Danny DeVito, bad guys on Mars...pretty much anything or anyone you can think of. This left only one enemy to fight. Satan himself. So yeah this movie was all kinds of stupid. Somehow Arnold actually wins a fistfight with Satan. Like several times. He also shoots satan a lot. Arnold had no choice but to run for governor. How could anyone vote against the guy who beat up the fucking devil?

3. The Omen trilogy- The original trilogy: The Omen, Damien: Omen 2, and the Final Conflict. The remake and the 4th one with the creepy little girl do not count. The original trilogy was perfect. My favorite actually is Final Conflict because it really is pretty messed up. All in all, these movies are cheap and well worth your dollars. My mom still hates the theme song.

4. The Ninth Gate- Roman Polanski (and his kiddy touching ways) directed this atmospheric creepy movie about a rare book guy (I'm not sure what he was, a dealer? A book detective? Maybe a pirate of books?) who goes searching for copies of a book that is supposed to unleash satan on earth. This is a creepy little movie (actually its like 3 hours long) that you should like. Unless you're stupid. It's pretty subtle, but really good. Buy it.

5. The Devil's Rain- William Shatner. That's all I really have to say. For blog purposes I will explain further. This is B-movie heaven. See John Travolta get his face melted off. See Ernest Borgnine as a satanic rabbi/priest guy. See Ernest Borgnine turn into a goat. See Capt. Kirk with his eyes missing. See many people with melted satan face. So bad it's good. Buy it if you can find it.

6. The Exorcist 3- The only other decent Exorcist movie. George C. Scott plays the role of the detective Kinderman from the first film. This time he's after a serial killer who kills people in an almost ritualistic way. Turns out there's some crazy satan shit going on that I won't spoil. However, George C. Scott (General Patton himself) is amazing. Especially when he delivers his speech at the end of the movie that should be the new pledge of allegiance. This movie actually has some really scary moments in it as well. Go figure. This one's really cheap at the store so go buy it.

7. Rosemary's Baby- More Polanski (is it too soon to make fun of him for being a toddler groper? Oh well). This time satan is Mia Farrow's baby daddy and she doesn't know it. She thinks her husband got it done, even though we know he made a deal with satan so he could have an acting career. I'm pretty sure Nicholas Cage did the same thing. Whatever. She figures it out eventually that her nosy neighbors and her shitty doctor are all working for the devil and want her to give birth to Satan's ugly chud offspring. Great ending. Also cheap.

8. The Unholy- I saw this movie years ago and I think it's out of print because I can't get it anywhere. Anyway It's about a priest who comes to a church after the former priest was horribly murdered and no one knows why. Turns out the church is being haunted by a demon. Thing about this demon is that it likes to corrupt priests by seducing them and then killing them horribly. I remember the demon being awesome. But I don't remember much else about this movie. I want it to be rereleased so I can see it.

9. The Satanic Rites of Dracula- Here we get horror gold. We have satanic rituals, Christopher Lee as Dracula, Peter Cushing as Van Helsing, boobs (what?), lots of vampire stuff, and a really weird Dracula death scene. I'd see it if I were you.

10. The Devil's Advocate- The only thing worse than Keanu Reeves and a fake British accent(Bram Stoker's Dracula) is Keanu Reeves with a fake Southern accent. Yeah. He should stop doing accents. He should stick to running after speeding buses and surfer bank robber guys. On the bright side we do have Al Pacino as Satan (haaaaa), lots of sexy stuff, and a decent ending. I'd see it for 5 bucks.

This concludes tonites post. Fucking comment assholes.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Review City: A couple Stephen King adapts' and a Clive Barker

So I finished watching some movies. I wanna tell ya about 'em. And you will read my reviews and treat them as gospel. Or I will find you...

First up we got The Dark Half. This is based on a Stephen King novel and was directed by George Romero. I'm gonna let that settle in for a minute...All ready? Good. So this should be the best movie ever. It isn't but it is in no way bad. The movie opens with a boy struggling with voices in his head and severe headaches that cause him to collapse. After being examined by his doctor, it is discovered that he has a developed twin living embedded in his skull like a brain tumor. After the "tumor" is removed, the boy grows up into a writer and teacher who ends up being blackmailed (by a true scumbag version of Robert Joy who you might remember from Romero's "Land of the Dead") for using a pseudonym to sell books. The problem is Thad Beaumont (the writer played by Timothy Hutton) can't sell what he writes unless he uses his darker side to create vulgar crime stories. So to solve this little blackmail issue, Thad decides to "kill off" his assumed name and write what he wants to. This proves to be a bad decision as his "dark half" gets tremendously pissed off and basically "ain't goin out like that". I won't spoil the rest of it but shit gets hairy.

So does this add up to a good movie? Yeah I'd say so. Romero gives us a pretty atmospheric creepy movie that sort of reminds me of Cape Fear at times. Timothy Hutton is awesome in a dual role as Thad and his darker half. He makes the evil twin version of himself nasty as hell and really deserves more recognition than I'm sure he got. The acting all around is solid and while the movie isn't a dripping gore fest (weird for a Romero movie right?) we do get some of the red stuff as the film moves along. So what's wrong with the movie? It's a bit overlong and I think Romero could have given us some more of his trademark nastiness. Either way, a solid King adaptation that you should pick up if you see it. Plus it's probably really cheap. I like when movies are cheap. 87%

Next up we have Clive Barker's Nightbreed. You have never heard of this movie and that is probably a shame. This is one of the most original and weird monster movies I have ever been lucky enough to see. This one is about a guy who dreams about monsters and the mystical land they live in called Middian. He sees a psychiatrist (played by fuckin David Cronenberg. If you need me to tell you who this is stop reading my blog) who leads a double life as a serial killer with a sick mask. You could've made a whole movie based on this alone. It turns out that the monsters are real and so is the underground dwelling they live in. Our hero stumbles on to the monsters hideout and then ends up having to try and protect them from the outside world and the real monster that is humanity.

This is like I said before, one of the weirdest movies ever. The monster makeup is amazing. The creatures who live in Middian look like rejects from the Mos Eisley Cantina on meth. It's a Clive Barker movie, so there is quite a lot of bloody stuff going on (the money shot being when a guy in a mental hospital rips his own scalp off). We also have a really interesting morality play that asks some tough questions of its viewers. Also, David Cronenberg was fucking great in this. Who knew the guy who directed Scanners and The Fly (and Eastern Promises, go figure) could act? One more thing. I wish Clive Barker would direct more movies. This and Hellraiser alone should be evidence enough that this guy has as much talent behind a camera as he does with a pen. So go to the store and buy this movie. It's cheap believe me. We all know how awesome that is. 90%

The last movie tonite is Stephen King's The Mist. I avoided this movie when it came out for some reason. I am a huge douchebag for doing this. A huge dbag. I should be taken outside and beaten. Anyway, this King adaptation was directed by Frank Darabont who also did The Shawshank Redemption and The Green Mile. So basically the guy is a Stephen King fan and since those movies are pretty good there is no reason to expect this to be any different. This one's about a group of people trapped in a supermarket after a freak storm causes a weird mist that for some reason hurts people. It turns out that this mist contains B-movie alien monsters that love to eat humans. Like every good "people trapped hiding from monsters" siege movie, the monsters outside are no where near as scary as the people inside. I won't get into what this means really. I don't want to ruin it if you haven't seen it. I will say that this movie plays out more like a commentary on the stupidity of the human race than a straight up 50's/60's B monster movie. Everyone in this film is great. Thomas Jane (the guy who played the Punisher) was good, and Marcia Gay Harden should have gotten an Oscar for her psychotic religious zealot that tears the people in the supermarket apart. The only gripe I have is the CGI creatures. I hate CGI to begin with and I usually think that filmmakers are being lazy shits when they use it. The monsters would have been so much better if they were done using practical effects. That is not to say they were bad or looked cheesy, but you could definetely tell they were CGI. I'm just nitpicking really. I shouldn't bitch so much. Anyway, we have great monster gore scenes, lots of tension, and the most depressing ending I have seen in a long time. Like literally I felt like a shitty person after the movie was over. This makes two movies I have been wrong about (the other being Drag Me to Hell, review coming soon). I should learn not to be so judgmental. 92%

This concludes tonite's post. Now fucking comment already.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

A list of remakes that never should have happened

So anyone who has been paying attention to what the big studios have given us the last few years must have noticed a few troubling things. Ever since 2003's Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake (maybe the Amityville Horror remake was first? Doesn't matter) we have seen a steady stream of familiar titles being redone or "re-imagined". The majority of these films suck out loud. There are exceptions of course. Most notably "The Hills Have Eyes". Even the "Friday the 13th" remake was halfway decent. That is of course because you really can't fuck up a "Friday" movie unless you put Jason in space or have him fighting other 80's horror monsters. Therefore I bring you, in no particular order, the worst of the worst in remake hell. Enjoy.

1. The Hitcher- This movie was an absolute mess. The film completely missed the point of the original and did not even coming close to trying to make an effective horror film. All the tension and nastiness of the original movie (with Rutger Hauer find it if you can) was completely nonexistant. Instead we get Abercrombie models running away from the James Bond villain from Goldeneye. A total waste of time.

2. Prom Night- I didn't even bother to see this. You'd do well not to waste your time either.

3. Halloween- I am going to probably piss a few people off when I say this. Oh well, here goes. Rob Zombie is a no talent hack who can't direct himself out of a garbage bag. He utterly destroyed the franchise with this overdone, cluttered landfill of a movie. I have seen pornos with better screenplays. You are not a brilliant writer when every other word out of your characters' mouths is some derivative of "fuck". Rob Zombie, please stop making movies and stick to making bad music no one wants to hear. Thank you.

4. Dawn of the Dead- There is no reason to have remade this movie. The original was perfect. It was smart, funny, and with a healthy dose of social commentary to go with all the entrails. All of these things completely absent from this giant piece of shit. Also, zombies are dead people. They DO NOT under any circumstances, run. And furthermore, CGI zombie baby? Are you fucking kidding me? Zack Snyder go to hell and stop ruining things I love (Watchmen).

5. The Omen- Another perfect movie that was just fine the first time around. What we got here is a movie completely lacking the sinister nature of the original. The only thing scary about this movie is that when I talk about "The Omen" in conversation people automatically think I'm talking about this piece of shit. Why do you do this to me Hollywood?

6. The Wicker Man- I didn't even bother. I see Nicholas Cage in a movie and I automatically make sure I use my money to buy toilet paper instead. Maybe a hamburger. See the original.

7. House of Wax- Having nothing to do with the plot of the original Vincent Price classic, I didn't even bother here either. I am told the only reason to even watch this is to see Paris Hilton get her head skewered. Tempting, but I have better uses for my time.

8. War of the Worlds-Ok so this is not technically a horror movie. It is still a terrible remake. Maybe it's because I hate Tom Cruise. Maybe it's because I think Dakota Fanning is annoying. Maybe the movie is just that bad. Either way, I'd avoid this movie like it was a crack addicted prostitute if I were you. Just saying.

9. The Stepfather- This just came out and I will not see it. I just know it sucks. It can't possibly be any other way.

10. Black Christmas- The original was the first actual slasher movie and therefore deserves all the praise in the world. The remake is god-awful and like little Damien should've been destroyed at conception. Yes, there are some decent kill scenes. That alone does not make a passable horror movie. Terrible.

Upcoming remake that will be an utter abomination:

Nightmare on Elm Street- Why?

Saturday, October 24, 2009

courtesy of IMBD

'Paranormal Activity' slays 'Saw VI' for top Friday box office

Categories: Box Office, News

Little-horror-movie-that-could Paranormal Activity continues to defy all box office rules, leaping to the number one spot at the box office on Friday with an estimated $7.6 million — in its fifth weekend in theaters. Okay, technically, it’s the ultra-low-budget flick’s first weekend opening in a true wide release (1,945 theaters), but it still managed to snag enough horror fans to force Saw VI into the second spot with $7 million, well below the opening-day take of every Saw film since the first one. None of the other new releases this weekend are faring well, either: Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant dug up $2.2 million for seventh place, the animated sci-fi action film Astro Boy struggled mightily with just $1.8 million for eighth place, and the biopic Amelia landed outside the top 10, with $1.3 million in 818 theaters. Be sure to check back here tomorrow for the full box-office report.

1. Paranormal Activity – $7.6 million
2. Saw VI — $7 million
3. Where the Wild Things Are — $4.4 million
4. Law Abiding Citizen — $4.1 million
5. Couples Retreat — $3.7 million

I love this picture

Review: Paranormal Activity

So I finally had a chance to see this the other night and I have to say, it was worth the $9.50. For those of you who are unaware, Paranormal Activity just got a wide release a week ago after being shuffled around in limited release hell for a long time. I could go on at length about the marketing of the film. I could comment about how for once a major studio did the right thing and put out a little movie that isn't a remake or a CGI shit fiesta. I could also talk about how for the first time ever I saw an audience actually scared by a horror film in a theater. But I won't get into all of that.
I will say this howver, Paranormal Activity was directed by Oren Peli for about $11 and right now is the best horror movie to see this Halloween. Period. This is not a statement that I make lightly. In fact those of you who have seen it might disagree. That's fine. But you're wrong.

I will not give you any sort of plot synopsis. To do this would ruin it for people who haven't seen it and you need to go into the theater knowing as little about the actual plot as possible. Also, keep an open mind. I say this because I have heard an awful lot of talk about how this "just another Blair Witch" and somehow that makes it not worth seeing. First of all, yes Blair Witch was atrocious but it was groundbreaking for the time. Also, Blair Witch was not the first "found footage" style horror movie. Cannibal Holocaust was. Respect. Believe me when I tell you this is not the Blair Witch Project. The movie is a "found footage on shitty camera" film. The pacing is slow and uses a night and day cycle. That, however, is where the similarities end. Paranormal Activity does a great deal with very little. A camera, a house, two actors. Entire theater full of people screaming and yelling various things to the tune of "That shit is crazy".
I will warn you that this is not a fast paced movie. There are no flash cuts, and there is very little actual violence. If that's what you're expecting save your money or go waste it on another Saw sequel. If you want to be scared, and want to see the best ending in a horror movie in years, open your wallet and enjoy. Grade: 95%

That being said, since I'm just starting out I'd love feedback. Bitch, yell, tell me I'm an asshole. I don't care just comment bitches.

Friday, October 23, 2009

My horror blog of death

So I decided to start a horror blog. It will rule. I'm gonna kick it off tomorrow with my Paranormal Activity review. So watch this spot. Jerks.