Sunday, October 25, 2009

A list of remakes that never should have happened

So anyone who has been paying attention to what the big studios have given us the last few years must have noticed a few troubling things. Ever since 2003's Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake (maybe the Amityville Horror remake was first? Doesn't matter) we have seen a steady stream of familiar titles being redone or "re-imagined". The majority of these films suck out loud. There are exceptions of course. Most notably "The Hills Have Eyes". Even the "Friday the 13th" remake was halfway decent. That is of course because you really can't fuck up a "Friday" movie unless you put Jason in space or have him fighting other 80's horror monsters. Therefore I bring you, in no particular order, the worst of the worst in remake hell. Enjoy.

1. The Hitcher- This movie was an absolute mess. The film completely missed the point of the original and did not even coming close to trying to make an effective horror film. All the tension and nastiness of the original movie (with Rutger Hauer find it if you can) was completely nonexistant. Instead we get Abercrombie models running away from the James Bond villain from Goldeneye. A total waste of time.

2. Prom Night- I didn't even bother to see this. You'd do well not to waste your time either.

3. Halloween- I am going to probably piss a few people off when I say this. Oh well, here goes. Rob Zombie is a no talent hack who can't direct himself out of a garbage bag. He utterly destroyed the franchise with this overdone, cluttered landfill of a movie. I have seen pornos with better screenplays. You are not a brilliant writer when every other word out of your characters' mouths is some derivative of "fuck". Rob Zombie, please stop making movies and stick to making bad music no one wants to hear. Thank you.

4. Dawn of the Dead- There is no reason to have remade this movie. The original was perfect. It was smart, funny, and with a healthy dose of social commentary to go with all the entrails. All of these things completely absent from this giant piece of shit. Also, zombies are dead people. They DO NOT under any circumstances, run. And furthermore, CGI zombie baby? Are you fucking kidding me? Zack Snyder go to hell and stop ruining things I love (Watchmen).

5. The Omen- Another perfect movie that was just fine the first time around. What we got here is a movie completely lacking the sinister nature of the original. The only thing scary about this movie is that when I talk about "The Omen" in conversation people automatically think I'm talking about this piece of shit. Why do you do this to me Hollywood?

6. The Wicker Man- I didn't even bother. I see Nicholas Cage in a movie and I automatically make sure I use my money to buy toilet paper instead. Maybe a hamburger. See the original.

7. House of Wax- Having nothing to do with the plot of the original Vincent Price classic, I didn't even bother here either. I am told the only reason to even watch this is to see Paris Hilton get her head skewered. Tempting, but I have better uses for my time.

8. War of the Worlds-Ok so this is not technically a horror movie. It is still a terrible remake. Maybe it's because I hate Tom Cruise. Maybe it's because I think Dakota Fanning is annoying. Maybe the movie is just that bad. Either way, I'd avoid this movie like it was a crack addicted prostitute if I were you. Just saying.

9. The Stepfather- This just came out and I will not see it. I just know it sucks. It can't possibly be any other way.

10. Black Christmas- The original was the first actual slasher movie and therefore deserves all the praise in the world. The remake is god-awful and like little Damien should've been destroyed at conception. Yes, there are some decent kill scenes. That alone does not make a passable horror movie. Terrible.

Upcoming remake that will be an utter abomination:

Nightmare on Elm Street- Why?


Rosie said...

"that like little Damien should have been destroyed at conception" I just found your blog. Because of this statement, I will continue to check in on it from time to time.

xRAGx said...

Thank you and keep checking because I'm going to put more nonsense on here daily.