Tuesday, October 27, 2009

The best (and worst) movies about satan and demon stuff

So it's Halloween and if you go to any fine retailer selling dvd's, you'll notice that horror movies are marked way down and you can actually afford them. Well, as your personal guide to all things horror movie related, I will now give you another fine list of movies. This time involving the denizens of hell and what they do to people on earth. Now this is a list of the good AND the awful. Why both? Because all deserve to be mentioned and before you spend your hard earned greenback on a cheap dvd you should have all this information at your disposal. So without further nonsense bullshit from me, here's the list. Enjoy.

1. The Exorcist- If you don't know about this movie you suck. period. Quite possibly the best satan movie ever and it was made in 1973. Nothing else even comes close. Not even the sequels/prequels. Most of those suck. Except The Exorcist 3. More on this later.

2. End of Days- Arnold Schwartzenegger. He's taken on aliens in jungles, an entire South American army, Commies, terrorists, liquid metal killing machines, Jamie Lee Curtis, kindergarteners, himself, Danny DeVito, bad guys on Mars...pretty much anything or anyone you can think of. This left only one enemy to fight. Satan himself. So yeah this movie was all kinds of stupid. Somehow Arnold actually wins a fistfight with Satan. Like several times. He also shoots satan a lot. Arnold had no choice but to run for governor. How could anyone vote against the guy who beat up the fucking devil?

3. The Omen trilogy- The original trilogy: The Omen, Damien: Omen 2, and the Final Conflict. The remake and the 4th one with the creepy little girl do not count. The original trilogy was perfect. My favorite actually is Final Conflict because it really is pretty messed up. All in all, these movies are cheap and well worth your dollars. My mom still hates the theme song.

4. The Ninth Gate- Roman Polanski (and his kiddy touching ways) directed this atmospheric creepy movie about a rare book guy (I'm not sure what he was, a dealer? A book detective? Maybe a pirate of books?) who goes searching for copies of a book that is supposed to unleash satan on earth. This is a creepy little movie (actually its like 3 hours long) that you should like. Unless you're stupid. It's pretty subtle, but really good. Buy it.

5. The Devil's Rain- William Shatner. That's all I really have to say. For blog purposes I will explain further. This is B-movie heaven. See John Travolta get his face melted off. See Ernest Borgnine as a satanic rabbi/priest guy. See Ernest Borgnine turn into a goat. See Capt. Kirk with his eyes missing. See many people with melted satan face. So bad it's good. Buy it if you can find it.

6. The Exorcist 3- The only other decent Exorcist movie. George C. Scott plays the role of the detective Kinderman from the first film. This time he's after a serial killer who kills people in an almost ritualistic way. Turns out there's some crazy satan shit going on that I won't spoil. However, George C. Scott (General Patton himself) is amazing. Especially when he delivers his speech at the end of the movie that should be the new pledge of allegiance. This movie actually has some really scary moments in it as well. Go figure. This one's really cheap at the store so go buy it.

7. Rosemary's Baby- More Polanski (is it too soon to make fun of him for being a toddler groper? Oh well). This time satan is Mia Farrow's baby daddy and she doesn't know it. She thinks her husband got it done, even though we know he made a deal with satan so he could have an acting career. I'm pretty sure Nicholas Cage did the same thing. Whatever. She figures it out eventually that her nosy neighbors and her shitty doctor are all working for the devil and want her to give birth to Satan's ugly chud offspring. Great ending. Also cheap.

8. The Unholy- I saw this movie years ago and I think it's out of print because I can't get it anywhere. Anyway It's about a priest who comes to a church after the former priest was horribly murdered and no one knows why. Turns out the church is being haunted by a demon. Thing about this demon is that it likes to corrupt priests by seducing them and then killing them horribly. I remember the demon being awesome. But I don't remember much else about this movie. I want it to be rereleased so I can see it.

9. The Satanic Rites of Dracula- Here we get horror gold. We have satanic rituals, Christopher Lee as Dracula, Peter Cushing as Van Helsing, boobs (what?), lots of vampire stuff, and a really weird Dracula death scene. I'd see it if I were you.

10. The Devil's Advocate- The only thing worse than Keanu Reeves and a fake British accent(Bram Stoker's Dracula) is Keanu Reeves with a fake Southern accent. Yeah. He should stop doing accents. He should stick to running after speeding buses and surfer bank robber guys. On the bright side we do have Al Pacino as Satan (haaaaa), lots of sexy stuff, and a decent ending. I'd see it for 5 bucks.

This concludes tonites post. Fucking comment assholes.


ES said...

You're an amusing writer at times. However, you are also a horrible person and your very existence is the bane of humanity. You should be wiped off the face of the earth, for the good of all humankind.

Lee said...

I've always been a fan of Burnt Offerings (1976). But what the fuck do I know?