Wednesday, October 28, 2009

The best zombie movies you have never heard of

So you might be wondering what the hell these pictures are all about. Well observant readers, I felt that they would be a fitting way to introduce the bullshit I feel like posting tonight. Now I direct this post at those of you who really are not huge horror fans. This is a list of obscure or lesser known zombie movies. If you are a big horror nerd like me then you probably have not only seen most of the movies I'm about to list, but you own them as well. Now don't look at this list expecting George Romero or Shaun of the Dead or even Zombieland. No 28 anything later, either. Nothing on this list is very popular and if you are the casual horror fan you probably haven't seen them. Unless you're my roommate. In no particular order, here they are:

1. Zombie- This is the first Lucio Fulci zombie bloodbath on the list. Also known as Zombie Flesh Eaters, it was pretty much a ripoff of Dawn of the Dead. At least that's what it was considered to be at the time (1979) it came out. However, while the rules of Romero's world are followed (zombies get shot in the head they die, etc.), there are a lot of things that make this movie pure gold. Absolutely disgusting zombie gore, eyeball gouging, shark vs. zombie in underwater battle (no I'm not making that up), topless scuba diving, and that's just the highlight reel. Check it out.

2. The Living Dead at Manchester Morgue- Pre-dates Dawn of the Dead by a few years. Also known as Let Sleeping Corpses Lie, we got a lot to like in this one. Zombies are created when British scientists build a machine that's supposed to kill every bug within 100 miles using some sort of radioactive, I don't fucking know what technology nonsense. Who cares about that? We have decent zombie gore and an actual plot and atmosphere. By that I mean I actually cared about the characters. See it.

3. Return of the Living Dead 3- Most people know about Return of the Living Dead. It pretty much re-invented the zombie movie and gave it new rules. Like for example, you can't kill them with anything other than fire and zombies eat brains. Well Return of the Living Dead 3 probably slipped under most sane people's radar. This one's about an army brat who after witnessing his dad fuck up an experiment involving zombies, accidentally kills his slutty girlfriend in a motorcycle wreck. He stupidely re-animates her with the zombie gas and mayhem and chaos ensue. Pretty cool zombie gore, a decent if somewhat stupid plot, and a really entertaining ending. It's probably cheap too.

4. Dead Alive- Maybe you have actually heard of this one. Peter Jackson before he went to Middle-Earth. This is literally the grossest movie on earth. Entrails and goo fly everywhere for the majority of the film. We have lawnmowers used inappropriately. We have lots of ugly creature effects (including the money shot at the end of the movie that I won't ruin here if you didn't see it). Also, this movie is hilarious. There is a scene where a priest kicks the crap out of a bunch of zombies using advanced ninja moves. He also says, "I kick ass for the lord". What excuse do you have not to see this?

5. City of the Living Dead- More Fulci. This one's also gross. It's about a priest who hangs himself in a small town, opening up one of the gates of hell. Don't ask me why this happens because I've seen this movie like a dozen times and I still don't know. Either way, this makes dead people come back to life. We have some of the most vile gore scenes in film history in this one. I don't even want to ruin them by mentioning them here, but in one scene a couple in a van about to do stuff come across the dead priest, now an evil magic zombie. Suddenly the girl starts crying blood and throwing up her insides as we watch for ten minutes. The guy she's with then promptly gets his brains ripped out of his head. If this sounds like a good time to you, check this one out.

6. Cemetary Man- This movie should have been huge. It deals with a cemetary caretaker that has one job. Make sure the dead people don't walk out of the cemetary. I'm being very simple in explaining the plot. Believe me it is far more complicated than I am making it sound. It actually asks a lot of questions and is almost by the end a morality play. An artsy zombie movie. It's also gory and it has one of the most amazingly beautiful women I have ever seen on film. Enough said. Buy it.

7. The Beyond- Fulci's best movie. It is another one of his "gates of hell unleash zombies" films. Like the others before it, the plot is pretty much incomprehensible but I'll try to explain. In a flashback we see a bunch of angry villagers beat the crap out of a guy with chains and then crucify him on a wall. Why do they do this? Apparently the guy's pretty evil. When they're done they throw acid on his face just for fun. This is how every movie should start. We fast forward to the present, and some silly whore has just bought the hotel where this guy died. This turns out to be one of the gates of hell and as a result of it being opened, shit goes downhill. The plot matters very little but the gore scenes matter a lot. We have tarantulas eating a dude's face, exploding heads, eyes ripped out, and all manner of other disgusting shit. Plus the ending is pretty awesome. Go online to get this if you're interested.

8. Nightmare City- So apparently scientists do something stupid causing humans to turn into murdering, rampaging zombies. I let many things slide with this movie. For example, zombies using weapons to kill people. The fact that they run (you know how I hate when zombies run). This is in no way a good movie but it is entertaining as hell. Ask me about it.

9. Night of the Creeps- This technically counts as a zombie movie. Space aliens drop a cannister full of brain eating slug creatures on to unsuspecting 1950's America. Fast forward to 1986. The kid from European Vacation and his cute lady friend (also the good guy from Halloween 3) realize that the slug creatures turn people into zombies and if they don't want to die they better kill every one of them. This movie is an homage to every horror movie ever made to that point (all the characters have horror director names), and this works out pretty well. I have fun with this movie. You can't beat lines like "Well girls I have good news and bad news. The good news is your dates are here. The bad news? They're dead".

10. Re-Animator- This is one of my favorite movies. A crazy scientist develops a green goo that when injected into newly dead people, brings them back to life. The only problem with this is they are usually pretty fucking pissed when they come back. This movie has a lot of gross humor. We have pretty cool gore scenes, but the absolute touchdown in this movie is the scene where a headless evil guy tries to perform oral on a girl he has kidnapped. Wait, what the hell did I just say? Yeah. An evil dead zombie guy picks up his severed head and tries to perform unwanted oral pleasures on a helpless female. How the hell did they get away with that? If this sounds like something you're into, seek help or see this movie.

I want comments dammit. I know I'm not mentioning like a hundred movies. Give me some suggestions.

1 comment:

dapperDan said...

I actually read your blog and if comments will inspire you to continue, then so be it. I weed through so much faggoty-ass self-sucking blogs that I feel refreshed when reading this shit. Thank you for not being a douche fuck. I think these movies are some of the best ever birthed into the minds of men. That might have come off a little strong. Basically, I like your blog. Keep up the good work.