Sunday, March 14, 2010

Stupid movie review: The Mangler

Director: Tobe Hooper. He made one good movie. Maybe two if we're being kind.

Actors of any importance: Robert Englund (yeah Freddy Krueger himself), the guy who played Buffalo Bill

Plot (nearest I can tell): A young girl who works in an industrial laundry factory cuts herself trying to operate this huge machine. Right after this, two idiots carrying what they say is an icebox nearly drop the fucker on this poor girl, and there's huge sparks and lightning and every one's crying blah blah blah. After this the machine decides to eat an elderly lady as she operates it. Apparently the machine is an automatic folding apparatus as it eats the woman and then folds her like a huge sheet. Then a detective guy played by Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs begins to investigate what happened. He encounters the factory owner played by Freddy Krueger who is made up to look like an old half crippled Southern plantation owner from the 1860's. His first instinct is to have the machine shut down but those who run the town rule the death as accidental and business at the factory resumes as normal. This is when I lost track of what the fuck was going on. We then meet the detective's hippy friend who has a strange working knowledge of stupid shit and eats organic food. We also keep seeing a weird old photographer who uses a camera from like 1923 or some shit. Accidents keep happening at the factory, and nobody gives a shit but the detective. Then as he's investigating he finds the icebox and it has apparently killed a child. The detective goes on a poorly acted temper tantrum smacking the icebox with a weapon I can't remember at it releases a strange power thing complete with lightning. He now of course thinks supernatural shit is at work so him and his hippy friend keep investigating. They find out that the machine is possessed by some demon and they now have to stop it. Robert Englund of course wants to stop them because it now turns out that he and the powerful rich people in town made a deal with Satan to become rich and powerful. The only requirement is that they must make human sacrifices to the machine, called the mangler. What...the...fuck.

Gore: In this one we have all kinds of machine on human death. We have an arm hacked off, fingers severed, the hippy guy gets gutted, we have innards folded like linens, and burn victims.

What the fuck moment: This whole movie is a "what the fuck" moment. However if I can narrow it down a bit I will pick the icebox of death killing a small boy and the resulting reaction from the detective. He's smashing the shit out of this thing and every one's just watching him, and then lightning flies out of it. Who writes this shit? Oh yeah, Stephen King wrote this shit.

What the fuck moment, part 2: Here's a spoiler. But you won't see it anyway. The detective and his hippy friend perform an exorcism on the mangler. Yes you read that right.

Robert Englund: Is the only reason this movie was even close to watchable. He was great as a slave driving evil crippled Colonel Sanders. This guy is B movie royalty.

Tobe Hooper: What happened to you?

Best line: When the detective and his stupid hippy friend fail at their exorcism and the machine suddenly turns into a dinosaur (another what the fuck moment) the hippy says, "I think we're fucked".

In conclusion: This was a gigantic piece of shit, yet mildly entertaining in a weird way. I mean the plot is gibberish, the acting is atrocious on every imaginable level (except Robert Englund), and the premise is utter nonsense. Yet for some reason, I can't totally hate this movie. I never read the Stephen King story this crap pile was made from, but Tobe Hooper wrote the screenplay. I mean after Texas Chainsaw I guess the only place to go was down. And down he went. Like a cheap hooker in a pickup truck. I think the only decent movie he made after Chainsaw was The Funhouse, and that wasn't great trust me. Like I said though, there are some redeeming qualities to this movie. It's utter stupidity alone makes it entertaining on a strange level. Also, I have seen far worse in my years than this. Robert Englund alone carries this movie and he's in it maybe 40 minutes tops. The best is the cover of the DVD. They bold letter Tobe Hooper and Stephen King's name's to appeal to us silly horror fans. I bought it a long time ago because it was 5 bucks. Don't make the same mistake I did. Both director and author probably wish this piece of shit disappeared a long time ago. As bad as it is, IT'S STILL BETTER THAN AVATAR.


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