Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Stupid new review system

Like I said, I am relaunching this shit here. Therefore, I am changing how some of the stuff on here is done. I read one of my old reviews, and it sucked. To subtract from the suck factor, I am going to do each movie review the same way I do the show reports on the other blog (for those of you familiar with that other piece of shit I write). There will be spoilers all over all of these so if you are one of those people who don't want to be told the twist in a non-existent plot, don't read them. Otherwise, if you like it when I make fun of stuff then by all means read. And comment. Enjoy.


Director: Jess Franco (like you know who that is or give a shit)

Plot (I think anyway.): The movie starts with terrible 80's music. After a lengthy introduction and opening credit sequence we see a well dressed guy with two ladies on each arm walking in a parking complex. Suddenly, a car pulls up and some pissy scarred lady throws acid at the group, hitting one of the girls in the face. This girl turns out to be the well dressed guy's sister, and the well dressed guy is revealed to be a famous plastic surgeon. The movie then is about a plastic surgeon and his hot, but murderous assistant (girl who didn't have her face melt off) who kidnap whores so they can replace the other girl's face. Some really weird sexual stuff occurs, followed by the doctor and assistant hiring an old Nazi surgeon to help them replace the other girl's face. Meanwhile, one of the girls the gruesome crew kidnap is a model with a rich daddy who hires a detective to look for her. Basically, I had no real idea what the fuck was going on with this movie.

Gore stuff: We got face melts, scissors to the throat, lobotomy by drill, chainsaw decapitation, head to hook death, disgusting botched facial reconstruction, disgusting successful facial reconstruction, and a hypodermic needle to an eyeball.

This would be the reason to spend the 7 bucks I did for the movie.

Sexy stuff: Um, yeah but it was pretty strange and unnecessarily graphic. Also it really just made me think French people have a lot of syphilis.

Actors of note: The bald guy from The Dirty Dozen.

Scary?: No.

Stupid?: Yes, but the gory stuff kept it fun at least.

Grade: 65%. This was a weird European trash movie. However, I didn't buy it for plot. I heard it was gross so I wanted to see how gross and for 7 bucks it was worth a look. The plot reminded me of Italian Giallo stuff (mystery for those of you who aren't horror nerds) except really crappily done. The gore effects were cool and the Nazi doc was especially creepy. Yet there was no real climax of the movie, it just kinda ended. I wouldn't really recommend it unless you happen to be watching it with me, and then after you're allowed to yell at me for making you watch this piece of shit.

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