Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Stupid Movie Review: Virus

Actors of note: Jamie Lee Curtis, Donald Sutherland, a Baldwin, and a bunch of other guys you swear you've seen in like 900 movies but don't know who they are.

Plot: The crew of a cargo tugboat stumble upon a huge Russian ship in the middle of the ocean that seems to be abandoned by its crew. They get on board, hoping to salvage the ship and get a shit ton of money for it. They soon find out that some sort of alien presence is also on board causing the machines on the ship to kill every last human around and turn them into gross cyborg zombies. Jamie Lee and some of the smarter crew members then pretty much have to do everything they can to get off the ship before the cyborg things fuck them all up.

Dumbest line: "If you get me killed I'm gonna kick your ass". Who writes this shit?

Gorey stuff: We got all sorts of human body parts grafted onto machines, a robot punches through a guy's stomach and his guts fall out, we have nail gun violence, rocket violence, brains ripped out, Jamie Lee getting beat up like its 1978 and she's a babysitter, the list goes on...

Boobs: No. Jamie Lee kept them in her shirt and the only other chick in the movie was too busy running and screaming and shooting.

Nonsensical occurrence: When the Pacific Islander tough guy pulls out a piece of wood from his leg after the evil robot computer drops an anchor through the tugboat, Jamie Lee stitches him up but this apparently has no effect on his running ability.

Nonsensical occurrence, part 2: When Jamie Lee and a Baldwin escape they use this catapult like device built by another crew member. As they launch themselves off the boat, the apparatus is apparently attached to a makeshift bomb rocket thing that is detonated after they launch, saving their lives and sinking the ship just as they were about to be mauled by the huge robot death machine. Utter nonsense.

Alien ripoff?: Of course.

In conclusion: Despite the fact that I am making fun of the utter silliness of the movie, it is a lot of fun. Jamie Lee screams and shoots her ass off trying to kill these metallic beasts. Donald Sutherland always plays a great scumbag. The Baldwin was tolerable (although I think he should have been viciously mauled by a metal death beast). The supporting cast was decent in their roles, you know being viciously killed and turned into skin grafted cyborg meat. The best thing about the movie is probably the creature effects. You have to love the meat laboratory where the machines are making their human machine slaves. There's gore all over the place, and the beasts are great when they attack people. However, all this good stuff does not make this a great movie by any stretch of the imagination. The plot is hole city. We never get any answers as to what this thing is or why it's come to Earth. Just that it thinks people are a virus and that we need to all be killed. Whatever. Basically who gives a shit, it's an Alien ripoff where humans get killed one by one slasher style in the most disgusting ways possible.

Grade: 72%
sucks to be this guy...

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