Sunday, March 14, 2010

Stupid Movie Review: Return of the Living Dead 3

Actors of note: The bad guy from Marked for Death, yeah that's about it

Plot: Some stupid whiny kid (today he would be called emo) and his whore girlfriend sneak into a secret government lab where the kid's dad works. They watch as an experiment goes horrendously wrong and a zombie pretty much eats three people. The kid's father is the one running the experiment, and as a result of it getting completely fucked up gets transferred by his military superiors. The kid and his slut sneak back out of the lab and bump uglies until his dad gets home to tell him they gotta move. The kid has a whiny tantrum and tells his dad he's not going with him, then he and the whore leave on the kid's motorcycle. Of course they have a terrible accident, and the whore gets killed. The kid now has a bright idea to bring her back with the Trioxin, the chemical stuff that turns people into zombies. After this, the kid and his undead whore go on the run from the military, the cops, and later on a bunch of Latin gangstas. Zombie mayhem then commences.

Gore: Yeah we got plenty of the gooey stuff. We have brain eating, general people eating, gross out gunshot wounds, drills to the head, the completely impossible tearing of a head with the spinal cord still attached, and the really unnecessary undead whore piercing herself with all manner of sharp objects

Logic Alert: Why the hell would you want your girlfriend to be a zombie? Did this kid not just see what she will eventually turn into? And also, not to be vulgar but I think in this case I have to be, did this whiny toad even stop to think for one second that if his little fix worked, and she didn't turn into undead hellslut that he would essentially be boning a dead girl? I mean come on now.

I was slightly uncomfortable with: The lovely Latin American stereotype gangstas. I mean this was just a bit racist. That and the Asian convenience store owner who eventually has his brain eaten.

Bad Acting award: Goes to the bad guy from Marked for Death who played The Riverman. He was a crazy homeless guy who lives in a sewer, yeah I get it. But did he have to talk so much?

Don't ever trust: The government. Apparently they make zombies.

What the fuck? moment: When the undead superwhore starts poking herself with every sharp object in the sewer and sort of becomes the zombie terminatrix. What the hell was this? And also who thought that would be a good idea in a movie? Someone watching would be completely justified if they turned the movie off right here, despite being about 80% done with the film. This scene, while thus setting up some great zombie carnage, completely takes me out of the movie. I can stretch my imagination only so far and then I have to say "No that's dumb". A super undead zombie weapon whore is really just that, a dumb idea.

Logic Alert, part 2: After the sequence mentioned above, when the Latin Gangstas are roughing up whiny kid and his homeless sewer dwelling friend, the zombie predator bitch walks in (all decked out in her new sharp object suit of armor and causing me to laugh at how dumb this is). The head gangsta thinks shes hot and walks into a room with her. He thinks her piercing herself with sharp things is a kinky sex act and that she'll bone him if he walks into the other room with her. Meanwhile, his other gangsta buddy is dying from a zombie bite on the floor. Now if I ever saw some slut with broken glass and nails sticking out of all of her various body parts, I'd fucking run like hell or at least ask this person what the hell her deal was. I would not, and I'm fairly certain 98% of people would agree, enter any room with her nor think she was at all attractive. So instead of doing what normal people would have, he goes into the room with her and like 2 minutes later his head is detached from his body with his spinal cord dangling. Very smart and very logical writing script guy.

In conclusion: Despite my misgivings, this is actually a really fun movie. You just kind of have to forget about logic for an hour and a half. In fact, the best thing to do is not think at all while watching this movie. Just enjoy it for what it is. A silly zombie movie. The acting is passable but not great, there's some gratuitous nudity, lots of zombie on person violence, decent zombie makeup that ranges from really awesome to really weird looking, and a plot you kind of just have to forget about. Overall I would recommend it. I'm just warning you that what you're watching isn't exactly Shakespeare.

Grade: 81%

Really, what the fuck is this?

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