Wednesday, July 6, 2011

"Hobo with a Shotgun" Running commentary:

Well as the previews are rolling, I'll take the time now to introduce my Hobo with a Shotgun running commentary. It's been a while since this was done here on these fine pages, and I decided that since the last one was Human Centipede, this one would have to be equally ridiculous in concept. Enjoy:

8:22- Popped in movie.
8:23- Rutger Hauer. Still awesome. Especially when shown playing harmonica on a train all Depression style.
8:24- This city looks shitty. Like Newburgh shitty.
8:25- A bum fight? Yeah. A bum fight.
8:28- Barb wire noose, man stuck in a manhole with his head sticking out. Everyone sounds Canadian.
8:30- Well...That seemed gratuitous.
8:32- Rutger shows us the world of the homeless guy. I now know how the guy by Gully's makes his living.
8:34- Just yelled "Oh shit" because a bunch of assholes just crushed a man's head with bumper cars. It appears these people don't like the homeless.
8:36- "The only thing I'm gonna let my dick in your pussy" Wow. I smell an Oscar.
8:38- Man who said above statement actually picks up the little slut he was talking to. And she says "Are we gonna fuck or what?"
8:39- Rutger is now pissed. "Shut your filthy mouth, Mother Theresa is a saint". Rutger dialogue. I'm not sure of the context here.
8:41- Rutger doesn't have a shotgun yet.
8:42- Cops work with the bad guys. Rutger just got stabbed brutally. Apparently not enough to kill him however.
8:44- So the lady from before is a hooker. Weird.
8:46- Hooker with a heart of fucking gold I'd say. Rutger's chest now says "Scum" on it.
8:48- "Well, I fuck for a living" Hahahahaha!
8:50- Our lady of the night has taken Rutger in. What a nice whore she is.
8:52- Still no shotgun.
8:53- Was that Santa Claus kidnapping a child?
8:54- Rutger is now chewing glass. For twenty bucks. What the hell is happening in this movie?
8:55- Bunch of robbers are threatening to kill a baby. Rutger is there. And now we have a shotgun.
8:56- "I'm going to sleep in your bloody carcasses tonight!" Also Rutger just Charles Bronson'd the shit out of the robbers.
8:57- Bum fights guy. Dead.
8:58- I now love this movie.
9:01- Rutger just killed pedophile Santa. And everyone else in the town. The Punisher ain't shit.
9:04- I'm not sure what happened there but some dude lost his organs and the bad guys just sorta laughed about it. This movie has no plot.
9:05- I think the bad guys are now torching a school bus full of kids. While "Disco Inferno" plays in the background. The crime boss in this movie is a fucked up dude. So is the director.
9:06- The cops are now going to kill homeless people. In creative and disgusting ways. Canadians are fucked up people.
9:07- Our whore with a heart of gold is running away from a cop with really bad sexually explicit dialogue.
9:08- Rutger is fucking Superman. The whore is Lois Lane.
9:10- Rutger really wants to buy a lawnmower.
9:12- One of the bad guys is kicking Rutger with hockey skates on. Brutal.
9:14- One of these fuckers looks a lot like Shia Labeouf or however you spell that turd's name.
9:15- Shia is sawing off the hooker's head. Rutger just burned a guy with a toaster. This director is just full of good ideas.
9:17- Rutger just ruined Shia's weekend. I don't think you can fix that. I now hurt in strange places.
9:18- So...a bunch of dudes are now wearing armor and gearing up for war, presumably with Rutger. They look like Mad Max characters.
9:20- Rutger saved the hooker's life somehow. Freebie?
9:23- The Mad Max killers are kind of brutal. They're like Nazi samurai. They are also killing the whole hospital.
9:26- I can't really describe what's happening but...I'm impressed.
9:28- Nazi Samurai Mad Max Death Squad just kidnapped Rutger. That won't end well.
9:30- Normal well-adjusted people don't make movies like this. Normal well-adjusted people don't give people money to make movies like this.
9:30, part 2: Our superhero hooker is now preparing to bust Rutger outta the pokey.
9:32- Ok. The Mad Max death guys are called The Plague.
9:34- This really reminds me of like an unrated version of "Escape from New York" if John Carpenter was completely bat shit crazy. Also, I think this movie would've been great with Gary Busey in it.
9:36- The hooker is rescuing Rutger with a lawnmower. Dead Alive style.
9:37- That was brutal.
9:38- This lady is having a shitty day.
9:39- I don't understand.
9:41- .....
9:44: Ok. Every one's dead. Spoiler alert.

In conclusion: I sit here now wondering if I liked it, loved it, or had no idea what the fuck just happened. I mean I knew what I was getting walking in, but I didn't think they would take it where they did. Now I should warn you, this is in no way a "good" movie by any normal definition of the term. Just like Machete, or Black Dynamite this is kind of a spoof of bad movies, not to be taken seriously. I is called Hobo with a Shotgun. Shakespeare this is not. Still, I had fun.

Grade: 88% (The sheer stupidity and the concept bump this movie up like 20 points)

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