Monday, October 8, 2012

Triumphant Return of the Rag. And The Unholy.

It’s October. I was going to leave this blog for dead. To be found by archeologists as a representation of the high watermark of 21st Century culture. However I was told by a big fan of the page to bring it back. That the people now more than ever (October 1-31) need to hear the gospel. I decided to give the people what they want.  I want to take this opportunity now to thank this person (who I will not name in an effort to maintain anonymity) for pushing me to write on this page again. I have other blogs, but I always liked this one the best as it was the most fun to write.
So where the fuck have I been you might ask (all 4 of you)? I’ve been a bit busy for the last year and a half. Job, life, neither of these things are conducive to writing a bullshit blog no one pays me for anyway. Along with friends telling me to reboot this one, I have been looking around the internet lately (it is horror movie season after all) and I’ll tell ya, the corporate websites just aren’t cutting it anymore. Therefore, time to bring it all back. So here it is, the opening reboot post. Best enjoyed on the crapper or long train ride. 

The Unholy

Director: Some Italian guy I never heard of.

Stars: Ben Cross (Spock’s dad in the new Star Trek movie), Ned Beatty (fat guy who’s in Superman with Christopher Reeve),  Hal Holbrooke (who’s in everything) and a bunch of midget hell demons and a red-haired superwhore.

Plot: I want to begin this by saying that this movie and I have a long history together.  Until last night, the first and only time I saw this movie was when I was home sick when I was 12 years old. I was lying in bed with the TV on when I turned on USA and saw a clip of the movie. It was a priest fighting a monstrous rubbery creature that was drooling everywhere. That’s the only scene I remember. I may have seen more of the movie but that’s what sticks out. For the next decade and beyond I vowed to see the rest of the movie. I remember looking at the preview channel for the title, which for the next decade I would remember wrongly as “The Un-Nameable” which is a completely different movie altogether. When I finally got it right, I found to my dismay that it was out of print on DVD. For years I checked the horror section for it to no avail. Then I found it two days ago in Best Buy in a Horror Movie 8-pack. $4. I win. 

So now what the fuck is this about? The movie begins in a church with a very haggard looking priest praying at the altar. We then see a mist, and out of it comes a red-headed super slut from hell. I only use such derogatory language because she was only wearing a see through black cape thing and her boobs were all in the priest’s face. Well soon after the booby face scene, the priest gets his throat ripped out. Sucks for him. We then meet our hero priest played by Ben Cross. He’s a very serious dude. When responding to an attempted suicide by some dude on a building ledge, he gets thrown out of the building 17 flights. He wakes up and has no injuries. This miracle prompts the arch-bishop (should that be capitalized?) played by Hal Holbrooke, and his blind old man priest companion to think Ben Cross is “the chosen one.” In my experience it is NEVER a good thing to be the chosen one. Never ever. So our priest bosses send Ben Cross to a church. The same one where the priest from the beginning got his throat ripped out. The movie becomes a mystery story, with some supernatural shit thrown in for fun. Finally Ben Cross learns what he was chosen for, and has to face Demon Bitch Barbie on his own. Apparently the demon was sent to Earth by Satan specifically to fuck with priests. And literally fuck them as well. The moment the priest breaks his vow, the demon kills them and drags their ass to hell. So this is what our hero priest has to deal with. With no help from his bosses save for a tiny little prayer. A prayer.  On a piece of paper. No that will not work assholes give the man a weapon of some sort. Shit.

Gore: Yeah we have a decent amount of gooey stuff. Throat rips, upside-down cross disembowelment, blood vomit and stomach explosion, exploding demon midgets, booby stabbing, and more exploding midgets.

Boobs: Yes but since they are from hell the surgeon general has asked me to warn everybody that they are not safe for human consumption.

Things learned while viewing: Never trust old priests. When they say you’ve been chosen for something, say fuck you and go somewhere else immediately. 

A note to Demon Bitch Barbie: Dear Demon Bitch Barbie,
We could’ve been something. Then you went and turned into a four-legged rubbery demon hellhound. While I love the new look, do you always have to be such a bitch? And what’s with the midget creatures you hang out with? Seriously get new friends and stay human. Then we can talk.

Overall: Was this worth the wait? Yeah I think it was. It’s a typical post-Exorcist 80’s Satan movie, but just a little better. I personally like it better than a lot of other demon movies out there. It’s entertaining, it’s disgusting. I like it. 

Grade: 88%

  Demon Bitch Barbie. Happy mode.

 This must be when her monthly "friend" comes.

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