Monday, October 22, 2012

The best horror movies you don't know shit about.

Everybody knows the classics of horror. You talk to any teenage kid on the street and you ask them to list their favorite horror movies they will probably name you all 20 Halloweens and Saws and all that shit. My point is we all know the big names. Some of those big names are bonafide classics. You’ll get no argument from me there. However there are literally thousands of movies that to me are classics in their own right, and you probably never heard of them. That sucks. I am here to change that. Here is a quick list of serious classics that you, my dear readers, should buy or steal or Netflix right fucking now. Here they are:

Re-Animator-  This one’s one of my top ten favorite horror movies. Ever. It’s about an up and coming medical student who takes in a classmate who may or may not be able to bring dead people back to life. He does this with a mysterious green potion that he injects into dead brains. We never know what the green shit is. The showstopper here is the scene where we have our re-animated antagonist place his severed head in between the legs of a female he has kidnapped. I’m going to let you read that again and let it swirl around your head for a minute. Got the mental picture? Good. Let’s move on then. If that didn’t already tell you, this movie has a lot of everything you want in a horror flick. It doesn’t hold back for any reason and actually has some very intentionally funny moments to break up the gruesomeness. Watch this. Right now.

The Beyond- This movie is bat-shit crazy. Simple as I can put it. It’s labeled as a zombie movie, but it’s really way more complicated than that. It’s about a woman who inherits an old hotel in New Orleans only to discover it was the sight of a horrible ritual that may or may not have opened the gates of Hell. That’s the last part that makes sense. You have a blind woman who has no purpose other than to declare that we’re all doomed. You have crazy death scenes that make no sense but are fun as fuck to watch (tarantulas eating a guy’s face very slowly for one example). You have a plot that deteriorates within the 4th minute of the movie. But that’s what makes this great. No plot? No fucking problem. I have watched this movie at least 200 times and it never gets old. See it. Now.

Hardware- I just had the pleasure of viewing this for the first time a few weeks ago. This takes place in a very plausibly shitty future world where overpopulation has caused severe shortages in just about everything, and people get by scavenging goods in trash heaps that dot the landscape. It’s in this setting where some guy finds a giant robot head that he thinks he can sell for food. Nobody wants it so he takes it home to his girl because she’s an artist and loves shit like that. Well the robot head turns out to be a self-rebuilding murder robot developed by the government to “control the population.” Homegirl is fucked. Literally because the robot actually tries to stick it to her with a drill piece. The robot brutally murders people and chases our lady friend for the entire 90 minute running time and every minute is great. Highly recommended.

City of the Living Dead- I am going to type one sentence and you will read it. I will say no more about this movie after that because I believe strongly that you will need no more praise from me. Here it is. In one scene, a woman literally vomits the entire contents of her body including all major internal organs for ten minutes. There. I am done.

Near Dark-  Fuck Twilight. This movie invented the teen vampire thing. Before The Lost Boys made a billion dollars and that bored housewife wrote those terrible books, there was Near Dark. This movie is fucking dark as fuck. It’s about a farm boy who meets a cute little lady out on the town one night. She takes him back to her place, he thinks for a bone sesh, and the bitch turns him into a being that can’t be in sunlight and needs blood to live. They never say vampire. So he is then forced to hang out with her “family.” This family kills people and drinks their blood. They love that shit. He isn’t into it. Hilarity ensues. This is a brutal movie that doesn’t puss out even if it is pretty much a teen vampire flick. You can even watch this one with the lady and she might still have sex with you after. I’d do it.

Pumpkinhead- I love me some creature movies. I am a monster movie fan. Therefore it is no surprise at all that I love this movie. This one’s about a rural farmer who encounters some idiot teenagers who patronize his country store for some food and beer. These kids accidentally kill our rural farmer country store owner’s young son in a horrendous dirt bike accident. Overcome with anger, our country dad enlists the help of a witch who lives in the woods to summon a revenge demon straight from hell. This demon is called upon to wreak vengeance on everyone who has wronged the person summoning it. The problem is that once you summon the demon your own soul is fucked. Fun times from here on, with an absolutely amazing demon that is pretty much a giant fuck you to the CGI shitfests we get today. See this.

Tombs of the Blind Dead- This is not your typical zombie movie. Straight outta Spain in the 1970s, this one’s about a vacationing couple who runs afoul of vicious undead Templar knights who will murder everyone and anyone they fucking feel like. Apparently this movie bases itself on an alternate history where the famous Knights Templar reject Christianity for Satan, and are therefore doomed to walk the Earth in an undead state forever. Plot doesn’t matter here. What matters is a creepy as fuck atmosphere and some of the most evil zombies to ever grace my DVD rack.  As I write this I am anxiously awaiting the three sequels that it took me like 8 years to find and purchase. More on this later.

Stay tuned for part 2 of this wonderful segment. Fuckers.

No comments: