Everybody knows the classics of horror. You talk to any
teenage kid on the street and you ask them to list their favorite horror movies
they will probably name you all 20 Halloweens and Saws and all that shit. My
point is we all know the big names. Some of those big names are bonafide
classics. You’ll get no argument from me there. However there are literally
thousands of movies that to me are classics in their own right, and you
probably never heard of them. That sucks. I am here to change that. Here is a
quick list of serious classics that you, my dear readers, should buy or steal
or Netflix right fucking now. Here they are:
Re-Animator- This one’s
one of my top ten favorite horror movies. Ever. It’s about an up and coming medical
student who takes in a classmate who may or may not be able to bring dead
people back to life. He does this with a mysterious green potion that he
injects into dead brains. We never know what the green shit is. The showstopper
here is the scene where we have our re-animated antagonist place his severed
head in between the legs of a female he has kidnapped. I’m going to let you read
that again and let it swirl around your head for a minute. Got the mental
picture? Good. Let’s move on then. If that didn’t already tell you, this movie
has a lot of everything you want in a horror flick. It doesn’t hold back for
any reason and actually has some very intentionally funny moments to break up
the gruesomeness. Watch this. Right now.
The Beyond- This movie is bat-shit crazy. Simple as I can
put it. It’s labeled as a zombie movie, but it’s really way more complicated
than that. It’s about a woman who inherits an old hotel in New Orleans only to
discover it was the sight of a horrible ritual that may or may not have opened
the gates of Hell. That’s the last part that makes sense. You have a blind
woman who has no purpose other than to declare that we’re all doomed. You have
crazy death scenes that make no sense but are fun as fuck to watch (tarantulas
eating a guy’s face very slowly for one example). You have a plot that
deteriorates within the 4th minute of the movie. But that’s what
makes this great. No plot? No fucking problem. I have watched this movie at
least 200 times and it never gets old. See it. Now.
Hardware- I just had the pleasure of viewing this for the
first time a few weeks ago. This takes place in a very plausibly shitty future
world where overpopulation has caused severe shortages in just about
everything, and people get by scavenging goods in trash heaps that dot the
landscape. It’s in this setting where some guy finds a giant robot head that he
thinks he can sell for food. Nobody wants it so he takes it home to his girl
because she’s an artist and loves shit like that. Well the robot head turns out
to be a self-rebuilding murder robot developed by the government to “control
the population.” Homegirl is fucked. Literally because the robot actually tries
to stick it to her with a drill piece. The robot brutally murders people and
chases our lady friend for the entire 90 minute running time and every minute
is great. Highly recommended.
City of the Living Dead- I am going to type one sentence and
you will read it. I will say no more about this movie after that because I
believe strongly that you will need no more praise from me. Here it is. In one
scene, a woman literally vomits the entire contents of her body including all
major internal organs for ten minutes. There. I am done.
Near Dark- Fuck
Twilight. This movie invented the teen vampire thing. Before The Lost Boys made
a billion dollars and that bored housewife wrote those terrible books, there
was Near Dark. This movie is fucking dark as fuck. It’s about a farm boy who
meets a cute little lady out on the town one night. She takes him back to her
place, he thinks for a bone sesh, and the bitch turns him into a being that can’t
be in sunlight and needs blood to live. They never say vampire. So he is then
forced to hang out with her “family.” This family kills people and drinks their
blood. They love that shit. He isn’t into it. Hilarity ensues. This is a brutal
movie that doesn’t puss out even if it is pretty much a teen vampire flick. You
can even watch this one with the lady and she might still have sex with you
after. I’d do it.
Pumpkinhead- I love me some creature movies. I am a monster
movie fan. Therefore it is no surprise at all that I love this movie. This one’s
about a rural farmer who encounters some idiot teenagers who patronize his
country store for some food and beer. These kids accidentally kill our rural
farmer country store owner’s young son in a horrendous dirt bike accident.
Overcome with anger, our country dad enlists the help of a witch who lives in
the woods to summon a revenge demon straight from hell. This demon is called
upon to wreak vengeance on everyone who has wronged the person summoning it. The
problem is that once you summon the demon your own soul is fucked. Fun times
from here on, with an absolutely amazing demon that is pretty much a giant fuck
you to the CGI shitfests we get today. See this.
Tombs of the Blind Dead- This is not your typical zombie
movie. Straight outta Spain in the 1970s, this one’s about a vacationing couple
who runs afoul of vicious undead Templar knights who will murder everyone and
anyone they fucking feel like. Apparently this movie bases itself on an
alternate history where the famous Knights Templar reject Christianity for
Satan, and are therefore doomed to walk the Earth in an undead state forever.
Plot doesn’t matter here. What matters is a creepy as fuck atmosphere and some
of the most evil zombies to ever grace my DVD rack. As I write this I am anxiously awaiting the
three sequels that it took me like 8 years to find and purchase. More on this
later.
Stay tuned for part 2 of this wonderful segment. Fuckers.
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