Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Surprise Slasher Goodness Review: Slaughter High

Director: Seriously and I’m not kidding…There are three of them. No it is not worth naming them.

Stars: It is even less important to name these people. All I know is that this is a movie about high school, and post high school people. The actors look like they’re all pushing 40.

Plot: It’s a slasher movie. There is no plot. But I will attempt a synopsis so you have something to read while you’re taking a shit or bored on your Match.Com date.  This one starts out in a typical suburban high school. We begin as a nerdy looking guy (who kind of looks like Rivers Cuomo from Weezer ) is nervously talking to an exceptionally top heavy female classmate.  She looks about 45 years old. Her boobs look 18 and ready to attack Tokyo.  I exaggerate of course, but the bitch looks old. She is telling our dweeby friend that she wants to bump uglies in the bathroom. Our nerdy hero, stupid and thinking with his lower regions, agrees and follows her into the ladies room. It is my experience that kids in slasher movies are shitheads, and the nerdy dude should never believe the hot popular girl. Even if she does look 40. Clearly this guy has never seen Terror Train or Prom Night. He would have been better off I assure you. Well she takes him into the bathroom promising sexual activity, and of course it’s a prank. Her asshole friends barge in and take pictures of our nerdy hero naked, and then give him a swirly. Swirly- n, when a bully or group of bullies dunks a poor victim’s head into a toilet bowl and flushes.  Anyway, the jocks and their whores get caught by a gym teacher who punishes them all and lets nerdy guy go. Nerdy guy is already late to his chemistry lab, and while in there, the jocks  pull one final prank that goes horribly wrong. The lab blows up and the nerdy guy is now horribly scarred for life and probably clinically insane. You know where it goes from here. The jocks all get summoned a few years later to what they think is their high school reunion. It isn’t. Instead they get locked in the school (although not really). Pretty standard slasher stuff ensues. Turns out nerdy guy is pissed and wants everybody dead. Huge spoiler I know. 

Gore: This is what I meant by pleasant surprise. This is a slasher late bloomer so I wasn’t expecting much out of it but it brought the nasty when it counted. We have stabbings, tractor death, acid bath, syringe in eyeball death, hanging death, glass shard death, javelin death, melting stomach death, I could go on.

Wonderfully stupid logic: At one point in the movie, one of our victims manages to escape out of a window of the school and into his car. Granted, he gets skewered while in the car, but wouldn’t the rest of the crew inside use the one open window to also attempt escape? No they scream and then inexplicably have sex with each other and separate themselves from the group.

How the fuck:   
  a) Can the killer set up an acid bath death while simultaneously stabbing a dude outside in his car? Did the killer also control space-time?
  b) Did the kids not realize that a dark deserted, run-down high school probably wouldn’t be the proper venue for a reunion? I mean was the fact that no one else you graduated with showing up not tip you off that something may be wrong? No right had that happened I wouldn’t have seen a guy get mauled by tractor blades.

Idiocy award: The writers for having the killer wear a mask through the whole movie. We know who the fucking killer is. This negates the point of a mask. Stupid shits.

In conclusion: This was a surprisingly entertaining late 80’s slasher. You have decent kills, some sexy stuff, and enough shitty potential victims to make it all worthwhile. Now in NO way is this a quality movie. If you’re looking for Oscar winners go watch another Jane Eyre or Pride and Prejudice remake. I’ll say it, this isn’t even a really good slasher. It’s not even a kind of good slasher. It’s passable, but it’s fun. You can easily watch this with a few beers and some chips and some people around. It’s that kind of movie. It isn’t meant to do anything but cash in on a trend.  You can get this one super cheap too if you wanna check it out. I think I picked it up for like $4. 

Grade: 77%

 Don't fuck with Rivers Cuomo's clone.

This is why.


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