Monday, November 2, 2009

Monthly constitutional

So I've decided that every month I'm going to highlight a movie that I think changed the game forever in horror movies. On the B side of that, I will also highlight a movie that I think made everything worse. This will be called the "Monthly Constitutional". Both movies every month are going to be influential and well known. Also, you are not always going to agree with me. You may think I'm a blithering idiot (if you don't already) but that's what comments are for.


Halloween- The story goes that John Carpenter was told to make a teen exploitation movie. For no money. No script. No stars (at that time). And yet, there is no better slasher movie in existence than Halloween. I'm serious. Some may be bloodier, with more studio gloss and a complicated plot, but none are nearly as effective. Why was this movie the game changer? It inspired every single slasher movie made for the next 30 years. In fact, it practically invented the subgenre. An entire decade's (plus) worth of horror films, for better or worse, owe John Carpenter millions of dollars in back royalties. Not to mention all the shitty sequels and remakes that would besmerch Halloween's good name in the years to follow. I will now take this opportunity to fart in Rob Zombie's general direction once again. Everything that was wonderful and right about John Carpenter's masterpiece was utterly destroyed by Rob Zombie's gigantic piece of shit. All of the subtlety, the atmosphere, and the suspense of the original was obviously lost on Rob Zombie. Whoever decided to give him money to remake a classic should be drawn and quartered. The fact that he is re-making "The Blob" makes want to shove my head in a blender with a hammer. Wait, no. Why should I die he's the one who sucks? Anyway, Halloween is an undisputed classic. Respect.


Scream - So it's the mid-nineties. Horror is at an all-time low point. The major studios are simply not making any movies worth shit and there was a definite need for something new. Along comes Scream and everything changed for the absolute worst. I hate Scream. It was meant to be a tongue in cheek slasher that was painfully self-aware that it was a slasher. It was a big budget mockery of everything I love about slasher movies. However, it made a ton of money. Of course Hollywood predictably rides the new wave and tried to duplicate the success no matter what. Never underestimate the power of money. The major studios then began to pour out these big(for horror movies anyway) budget slashers with casts full of actors from shitty TV shows. This terrible trend continues to this day. The difference now is instead of shitty TV actors we have Abercrombie kids running around in PG-13 land. What makes matters worse is that this travesty was directed by Wes Craven. A guy who should know better. His decisions continue to baffle me to this day. Thank you Scream. You ruined everything.

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