Sunday, June 12, 2011

On the Fright Night remake

  Well ladies and gentlemen it's summer movie season. We got half-assed sequels that fail miserably (I'm talking to you Hangover 2), superhero hits and shits (Green Lantern in the shits category) and more terrible Michael Bay robot movies. However while lookin through IMDB the other day I happened to notice that some scumbag decided it was a good idea to remake Fright Night for summer consumption. I understand that remakes keep making money, but there is no reason to remake every fucking horror movie ever made is there? Fright Night for those of you who don't know was a horror/comedy from the 80's that paid homage to the great Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing Hammer Horror House movies from the 50's and 60's. It starred the guy who played Prince Humperdink as the vampire who moves next door to a horror movie obsessed high school kid. The kid, while watching his favorite shit on tv, accidentally sees Prince Humperdink murder some whore through his bedroom window a la Rear Window. Hilarity and vampire cliches ensue from there.
   I want to say that I love this movie. I know it's corny. I know it's not Shakespeare. However it was one of those great unsung horror movies from the 80's that you can't help but like. Which is why I fucking HATE the idea of a remake. That being said, I've decided to give you fine people a list of reasons why you should NOT see this almost certain pile of dogshit on film. Enjoy:

1. Colin Farrel is in it. Everything he touches turns to shit.

2. It's another horror movie remake. Name one that's good and I'll try not to laugh at you.

3. It has the kid who played McLovin in it. How the fuck am I supposed to take that seriously?

4. Not only is Colin Farrel in it, he plays the vampire. The original had Prince Humperdink. Humperdink!

5. This is clearly trying to cash in on the whole Twilight thing. Like every vampire movie since 2006 or whatever.

6. Did I mention Colin Farrel is in it?

7. It will completely miss the point of the original. Therefore it will be a giant piece of shit.

8. Speaking of vampire trendy bullshit...yeah that was the punchline. I think it's time to demand a little bit of originality in our entertainment. I for one am tired of this shit. It sickens me that a movie like this (and Transformers, and Hangover 2, and Green Lantern, and name another surefire piece of shit movie and insert it here) gets made and wide released and I have to TRAVEL to see the new Woody Allen movie.

Now that that's over, I would like to take the opportunity now to make a list of movies you should see INSTEAD of wasting money on this guaran-damned-teed pile of crap. Here ya go:

1. The original Fright Night. Or how about all the original movies Hollywood ruined with remakes.
2. Any Chuck Norris movie.
3. Any movie Colin Farrel isn't in.
4. Any movie NOT currently in theaters this summer.
5. Any fucking movie I tell you to.

I think you get the point.

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