Thursday, April 7, 2011

Stupid Movie Review: Nightmare City

Director: Umberto Lenzi

People in the movie: Some guy named Hugo (more on this later) and a bunch of Italian people.

Plot: Haha. I should end it there. In the interests of entertaining the four or five people who will accidentally google this, or catch it off Facebook, I'll keep going. Our movie opens in the home of a news reporter, we will call him Hugo (his name in real life), watching the news. Apparently, a nuclear reactor accident has occurred around the area where the movie takes place, and an eminent professor is returning to try and fix it. That's what it sounded like to me anyway. So then Hugo gets a call, and tells his pretty doctor wife he's gotta go. Apparently he's been given the task of interviewing the good doctor when he lands in the city. So after a stop at the station to get chewed out by his dickhead British accented boss, Hugo and a camera guy go to the airport. The most poorly run airport ever I might add. When the doc's plane finally comes in, the air traffic controllers don't even know to signal a runway for the plane to land. So Hugo and the camera guy wait for the plane to land, and when it does shit already just seems off. No one's coming out of the plane, nor are they responding to any of the people, and later cops, trying to communicate with them. Suddenly the door opens, and a multitude of zombies with faces that look like burned meat loaf pop out, and slaughter everyone they see. Hugo runs like a bastard. A wise decision. He immediately goes back to the TV station to try and warn everybody. He gets there, and he walks in on a weird European dance session. Europe is fucking strange. Hugo kinda stands there and watches for a sec before suddenly remembering that the meat loaf terror squad just landed. When he composes himself finally, he tries to interrupt the broadcast to warn the public. His dickhead boss is having none of it, and then an army officer appears to tell Hugo to shut the fuck up, "we don't want a panic". Yes, better humanity gets massacred quietly. Then the meatloaf zombies burst into the dance thingy, and brutally stab everyone. Apparently the zombies don't want anything but human blood to sustain them. You never really find out why. A few more massacres, Hugo vs. zombie chase scenes, and awkward sex scenes later, and our movie ends. And then (spoiler alert) Hugo wakes up. It was all a dream. Until the beginning of the movie repeats itself. What the fuck.

Plot stuff I left out, part 1: The side story of the General and his hot artist wife who is topless the whole movie. She dies brutally.

Plot stuff I left out, part 2: The other side story of another general and his hippy daughter and her husband. They both get stabbed in the face.

Gore: There's a lot of stabbings, blood drinking, hatchet to the head, a brutal eye gouge, and  two vicious scenes of breast violence. Yes. Breast violence.

Nudity: Awkward weird Euro sex occurs quite often in this one. Also many unnecessary and not entirely welcome boob shots sprinkled throughout.

Trivia moment: The reporter is played by a guy named Hugo Stiglitz. You may remember that as the name of one of the characters in Tarantino's Inglourious Basterds. Tarantino apparently is a big fan of Mr. Stiglitz so he named a character after him. Don't ask me how I know that shit.

Cheap special effects award: The boob impalement. There are actually two of these but the first one where the meat loaf zombies attack the dance show will be the focus here. The zombie takes a knife and basically cuts a woman's boob off. However, look closely enough (which I did solely for your benefit dear readers) and you can clearly see where the real boob ends and the fake one is being cut off. Look even closer, and you can see that the real boob is fine and unharmed.

Best Massacre: The hospital. Everyone dies brutally and the effects don't look so shitty.

Dubbing?: Yep. Also shitty.

Favorite zombie kill: The general shooting his recently zombified girlfriend (from plot point number 1 above) and her head like flies off with brains and blood squirting everywhere.

Favorite zombie attack: When Hugo and his wife (did I mention Hugo was married?) go to a church thinking they're safe and the Priest attacks them with a weapon. Hugo then beats him to death with a giant cross.

In conclusion: This movie despite being a giant piece of shit is a really good time. The plot is nonexistent, but since there's a violent massacre every 7 seconds you don't even notice. It's got your basic trash movie elements, and some weird shit too. Most of the time I didn't know what the fuck was going on but who cares. If you have like a sixer of Pabst and a buddy it's not the worst 90 minutes you'll ever spend. See it if you can find it and can overlook some big flaws. And giant plot holes. And awkward Euro-Sex. And bad special effects.

Grade: 68%

Now you tell me his face doesnt look like cafeteria meat loaf? Or prison food?

No comments: