Thursday, October 28, 2010

Stupid Movie Review: Hellraiser 3

Director: Some Guy who probably never directed anything again.

Stars: The legend Doug Bradley as Pinhead. Who Better?

Plot: You know the deal with the Hellraiser movies. Some asshole finds the puzzle box (which is given an actual name in the 4th movie but honestly "the puzzle box" was fine) which frees Pinhead and his Cenobite  demon buddies fuck up whoever opened it in the grisliest way possible. Except this movie has very little to do with that concept. I mean it kinda does...Let me explain. Some ambulance chasing news reporter lady is at a hospital when some kid comes in on a stretcher with chains and hooks coming out of his head. Anyone who has seen the other Hellraiser movies knows that hooked chains are the Cenobite weapon of choice. Ok. After the kid turns into a bloody mess in the ER, the lady reporter now wants to find out what the fuck is going on. She first calls the whore that brought the kid into the hospital. This little trollup would be kinda hot if this weren't the early 90's and clothing wasn't so fucking weird. Anyway. We also see some dude buying this big statue with Pinhead's face on it. He likes shit that looks weird. It also turns out that he owns this goth club in town where the whore and the dead kid were hanging out before his trip to the ER. So ya know it's all connected. So one night at the club, our weirdo owner decides hes gonna hit the sack with this incredibly stupid blonde he picks up at the bar. After their nookie sesh, Pinhead suddenly wakes up from inside the statue where we literally skins and eats our bimbo chick alive. Awesome. He then tells the dbag club owner to fetch him more bodies. Meanwhile, reporter lady takes our hospital whore in to live with her while she digs for information. Her investigation leads to the retelling of the events in the first two movies, and an encounter with Pinhead's human alter ego in her dreams. Pinhead's human form tells her that everything she found out is totally true and she should watch out for Pinhead because he's about to come back. By the time she gets back to her house, hospital whore is gone. But not before giving the lady reporter the puzzle box. Ok whatever. Our hospital whore it turns out was a former conquest of our club owner. He pretty much lures the stupid slut to come to his apartment where he, and Pinhead's statue hang out. Death and mayhem ensue, and Pinhead is now freed from his concrete house. The rest is awesome.

Gore: It's a Hellraiser movie right? All sorts of creative and disgusting deaths occur almost every 10 minutes. Chain hook death, decapitations, head impalements, people being skinned alive, and a really cool face melt

Boots knocking?: It's a Hellraiser movie right?

Best line: Every word that comes out of Pinhead's mouth. Literally every single word. However, if I were to choose I would have to say: "Now come over here and die while you still have the option of doing it quickly!" Classic.

Favorite kill: The entire club massacre scene. For about 5 minutes of running time Pinhead kills every single person there using anything and everything. People's faces get torn off, CD's turn deadly, and one guy turns into a piece of roast beef.

Stupidity: The other "Cenobites" that Pinhead creates. They don't even come close to the glory and unfuckwithability of the original Cenobite gang from the first two movies. (See: Hellraiser and Hellraiser 2)

More stupidity: The entire "Daddy" dream sequence/subplot. Unnecessary.

Why the fuck: are they remaking the original Hellraiser? COME ON!

Why the fuck honorable mention: Why do all the sequels after this one suck out loud?

Other favorite scene: When Pinhead walks into the church like the gangster he is and just completely fucks with it, and the priest who works there. Everything he does in the church just kicks ass. I need to say no more.

I miss: Prosthetic makeup effects. Watch the face "merger" and you'll know exactly what the hell I'm talking about.

Conclusion: This is not the best Hellraiser movie. This isn't even the best sequel. What this is is a mid-90's cash in of a successful horror franchise designed to squeeze a few bucks out of the name. This is the type of pre-Scream 90's horror we would get back in Clinton's first term, and like most movies of the time it has its ups and downs. But goddammit I enjoy this movie. Doug Bradley makes the worst piece of shit movie totally awesome just by speaking in the Pinhead voice. I mean through 8 or 9 sequels he keeps the boat floating despite the fact that after this they get steadily worse. I mean I won't even talk about this series past the 4th movie, and frankly the 4th movie is kind of a piece of shit. Every line uttered by Pinhead is pure gold. Kind of like what Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing (previously mentioned on this fine ass blog) used to do for Hammer and their monster movies. The worst script on Earth made better by a great actor that will never, ever, be recognized for his work outside horror geek circles. That's fine I guess. The fact that we see a shit ton of Pinhead through this whole movie bumps the grade up like 10 points. Yes the plot is bologna, the other actors shitty, but I still like it. Fuck you.

Grade: 84%

It is unwise to fuck with this man.

Unless you wanna be this guy...

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