Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Stupid Movie Review: The Sentinel

Director: Some guy. I could look it up but the dvd rack is so far from my couch...

Stars: Burgess Meredith (Mick from "Rocky", The Penguin, The old old dad from Grumpy Old Men), Chris Sarandon (Prince Humperdink), the mom from the "Vacation" movies (in a weird lesbian scene no less), among others.

Plot: This model chick from NYC decides that she wants to have her own place before she decides to marry Prince Humperdink. So she starts lookin around at places when she suddenly finds this old brownstone with the best view ever. The realtor lady tells her that the place is real quiet and she'll love it. Never mind the weird old guy who lives upstairs and just stares out the window 24/7. Forget also that he happens to be a blind priest. Never trust the clergy, especially when they can't see what they're doing. Moving on. So she moves in, and immediately starts to meet the other tenants, beginning with Burgess Meredith and his pets. The Penguin is super nice to her and tells her all about the place and some of its history, blah blah. She then meets the two chicks who live together downstairs. All they wear are leotards. What the fuck. One is a seriously busted hag of a woman and the other is the mom from the "Vacation" movies. They like to do each other. The hag even says so. We also see a weird and completely unnecessary "Girl Time" scene where Mrs. Clark Griswold goes solo while our model protagonist watches. What the fuck. Then the girl meets the rest of the tenants, and shit just gets weirder from there. She's haunted by this vision of her abusive father with a bunch of whores. I think she may have killed him in real life, I'm drawing a blank. Anyway, our lady starts having these weird dreams at night, and her apartment is rapidly showing signs that it's haunted. Awesome. Does our model lady move out? No. Her lack of sleep and her weird hallucinations are causing her to fuck up at work (how you fuck up posing for a picture standing still is beyond me but whatever), and her relationship with Prince Humperdink (also the vampire from Fright Night) starts to get a little tense. Then, in what has to be the creepiest scene ever, our heroine wakes up to a loud thud and while searching for it's origins, the audience sees what looks like a person in the shadows. She shines a light on the thing, and it darts across the room. What the fuck. Then there's some bloody stuff. The bloody stuff continues as we the audience begin to find out what the hell is going on in the house. It turns out that the house is a gateway to hell, and our blind priest is guarding the door. Also, the other tenants are undead demons that are trying to corrupt the new chick because she has been chosen to be the next guardian, or sentinel. What the fuck.

Gore: There's a good amount of bloody stuff. A stabbing or two, some face melts, etc.

Nudity: Well there is that weird Ellen Griswold (I just remembered her name) scene if that floats your boat. Weirdo.

This movie, if I were to cheaply describe it to someone in one sentence, I would say: It's a cross between "Rosemary's Baby" and "The Exorcist", though not as good as either.

Creepy scene not mentioned in the plot synopsis: The ending which included all manner of satanic mayhem and some actual deformed people mixed in with people wearing makeup.

I forgot to mention: The very beginning of the movie which had members of every religion meeting to discuss something really important. Oh well.

Question: Does the realtor lady work for Satan?

Prince Humperdink: still a douche.

Never: move into an apartment building where a creepy old priest lives. Especially if said clergy member never gets up from his chair and is totally blind.

Also: I've said this before but I feel I must stress it again. The clergy is absolutely useless when supernatural shit actually goes down. They are always too late, or too frail, to actually help fight the denizens of hell when they come up from hell to fuck with shit. Therefore, when you see some demon hellspawn shit going down, run or kill it yourself. You'll live longer.

Conclusion: This isn't the best, but it certainly isn't the worst demon movie I've seen. It's entertaining if not really weird in some spots. What's more, this was a studio movie. Like there was actual financial backing behind this movie, which is rare for something on this blogger thing here. The production values show all over this movie. However, it also should be noted that this was made pretty much to cash in on the Satan movie trend of the time. That shows too. In certain spots you just get the feeling that this shit was rushed out to meet demand. That doesn't take away from the fact that this is definitely a pleasant surprise. I was not expecting this movie to be as good as it was. Despite its flaws I recommend it. If for no other reason than to make your significant other uncomfortable. Ladies will be creeped out by the scary, dudes will be creeped out by Ellen Griswold's "Girl Time" scene.

Grade: 83%


This however, is infinitely more disgusting

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