Sunday, October 17, 2010

Stupid Movie Review: The Boogeyman (1980)

Director: Uli Lommel

Stars: I don't even think these people were real actors. I think they were people the director met in a McDonald's somewhere.

Plot: In what has to be the single most ridiculous concept in horror movie history, this is what is called a supernatural slasher movie. What the fuck does that mean? I'll tell you. The movie starts in a farmhouse sometime in the past. We see two kids looking through a window at their mom getting plowed by some dude who I am going to guess and say isn't their dad. The mom stops her whoring session for a second to yell at her kids for watching, and then the guy gets up and ties the older son to a bed. Meanwhile mommy is yelling at the other kid, her daughter to go to bed or the same thing will happen to her. Mother of the year hands down. The girl disobeys and gets a huge knife from the kitchen. She cuts her bro loose, and he takes the knife. Meanwhile, mommy is bumping fuglies in the other room, not at all concerned about her children. Might I add also that it would appear that they are role playing a rape fantasy. I say this because the asshole boyfriend is wearing pantyhose on his head. Whatever. Anyway, the kids walk into the room, and the boy then brutally stabs mommy's dickhead boyfriend. Then we fast forward about 15 years later. The kids are grown up, live on a farm, and the girl has her own family. The boy is a mute who hasn't said a word since he stabbed the shit out of that guy all those years ago. Why the fuck isn't he in a mental ward or some kind of prison? Anyway, the memories of what happened continue to trouble the kids in their adult lives, and the girl decides on the advice of a shrink to go back to their childhood home where the shit hit the fan. She goes, and while there sees the guy her brother stabbed in a mirror. She goes nuts and smashes the mirror, to the surprise of the people who currently live there and her husband. Judging by the ominous music, this was a bad idea. After a series of camera shots showing pieces of the broken mirror (that her husband brought back home for some reason) people start getting killed brutally by an unseen force that causes scissors and knives to stab people. Ok whatever. A few more killings and an "Excorcist" ripoff later and our movie ends. Sure.

Gore: Yeah the red stuff flows pretty freely. We have multiple stabbings, some "Scanners" style mind flayings, and a machete through the mouth of a guy and then his face gets stuck in another girl's face, killing them both. I don't know how else to explain this but it was pretty original.

What the fuck moment: When the mute kid suddenly chokes a lady, which has nothing to do with the plot, makes no sense, and isn't even explained at all afterwards. I don't get it.

Stupid concept alert: The killer is trapped in the mirror, right? So one scene, the child of our original girl gets a shard of the mirror stuck to the bottom of his shoe. The shard reflects in the sun, and the reflection then kills a bunch of people unrelated to our story. Why?

Stupid concept alert, part 2: This same shard of evil mirror gets stuck in our sister protagonist's eye, and then she turns evil or something. A priest's forehead gets melted because of this. What?

Why the fuck: did you keep the evil broken mirror?

What did we learn?: Apparently when you fillet your whore mother's shithead boyfriend their spirits get stuck in mirrors. Wait no that never happens.

In conclusion: This was a dumb fucking movie. Entertaining, but dumb. Nothing ever gets explained. For example, why the killer is stuck in a mirror or how that even happened. There are nonsensical occurrences throughout the movie. The concept is fucking dumb to say the least, but like I said earlier, it's kind of entertaining. The death scenes are pretty good, nice and gory and disgusting. I gotta give the director props for trying to do something slightly original. But he kinda sucks at it, not gonna lie. I think in a more competent director with a better script there might be a pretty decent movie in there somewhere. Nah probably not.

Grade: 67%

Mommy's a whore.

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